It's been about 7 months and my heart still cries out for my son. Oh, it's better than it used to be. Hours of not sleeping and screaming out for my baby in the am's or the first time making love to my husband only to uncontrollably be crying. I wonder what he must have felt during those moments?!
There are still moments that trigger tears. A woman walking out the door as she slams her kid in a door and says the f-word without knowing what a blessing she has, seeing children born on or about the time Jackson was. The emptyness I feel when someone walks by me with a stroller. Quiet moments when all I do is stare at Jackson's picture and wonder what he's doing with Jesus, then as I ask our Lord and Savior to kindly share with my son that I love him, miss him and to please kiss him for mommy.
Life goes on YES. I'm sure the years will pass. But not a day or moment will go by that I don't think about my precious son in heaven.
Sometimes you'll find me in the cemetary just quietly walking around. I have comfort that there is much history in our cemetary and sadly many MANY women lost their children young. Like today, there are many who have lost more than one child and I just cannot imagine it.
Some may say I'm being too graphic with my post. I write because I share with others like me. Those who bore a child and wonder what to feel or how they'll move on. Making love to your spouse is a natural thing and sadly it's something that can cause much emotion after a premature loss. I'm sure we could take it a bit further to say any loss is a great loss.
The good thing in all this, is that while my heart still aches, my spirit knows I must move on. It's bitter-sweet that we move forward to try again knowing that my dear boy isn't with us. When people ask me if I have children I say yes. We have a dear angel baby waiting for us with Jesus. I don't mean a REAL angel of course. I won't get into that talk....but our son is very much himself and very much in heaven enjoying himself and honestly what I could give him here, well, there's no comparison.
I'm still working on his memorial quilt and can't wait to finish it so I can show you. Sadly It may not get finished until wintertime because our landlord foreclosed on all his properties and we have to be out by the end of June. Which leaves us packing YET AGAIN.
We had planned to start looking for a home of our own again in July. But with the time crunch, it's just not wise to buy in desperation and anything we rent now most likely will need a lease. So again we wait until another year to buy. I know God's timing is good so maybe there's a home out there He wants us to wait on. I'm at peace, I just long for stability and can't wait to have a home of our own where we're not paying over the top for our dogs or rent and where we won't have to be concerned when ppl foreclose.
Please keep us in prayer with this matter because he has refused to give us our 1195.00 deposit back and has even gone as far to say he'll file bankruptcy if any of his tenants file suit.We plan to file small claims court and may join a joint suit but are still praying on it.
We still have part of Jackson's stone to pay for and a small amount left on the second plot to place the stone we had hoped to have in by the end of this month.
I have no idea where we're moving, how we'll deal with the finances or anything else for that matter. I am tired, spent and emotional. I DO love God though, and I know He has everything covered. I just have a hard time grasping with my fleshy mind, how it will all come together.
I miss my Jackson. As we pack, I stare at the boxes filled with boys clothes and nursery items. Then there's his memorial board with our picture and comments from everyone who left kind thoughts for us.
I cry for my boy, but I smile thinking one day I'll see him again. He's in our future not our past, and it's refreshing to know it's not the end.
Blessings Dear Friends!