Welcome to Broken Heart, Mended Fences!
This blog came about in my head shortly after the death of our son Jackson Jeffrey. He passed away at 22 weeks gestation after an accident caused me to lose my mucus plug. When medical staff didn’t catch it in time, I found myself 3 centimeters dilated, and there was no turning back. There are questions as to whether things could have been different had medical staff done their part to listen, observe, and prevent. However, looking back to the past will not bring our dear boy back and would only lead to anger and bitterness.
During the worst moment in my life to date, I never thought I would ever be able to move forward let alone find joy again. God spoke to me through the despair and shared many key points to life that I will share with you.
One is that I didn’t do anything wrong! Nothing I did made God take the child that the Dr.’s told us for years would never be conceived. In fact He shared a miracle with us when Dr.’s said we couldn’t, but 8 years later, we did, without medical intervention and by surprise!
Two, He loves me! As I wept, so did He. As I grieved in the night hours, He put his hand on my heart, kissed my head and told me HE would hold me up because I couldn’t stand.
Three, Nowhere does it say that there won’t be trials or “valleys”. There ARE dark hours. God never promises us that bad things won’t happen. What He DOES promise is that He’ll be there to hold us up when we can’t move.
Today a little over a year since the passing of my son, I am happy to say that I am standing. Not because of my own doing. It’s with each day that He gives me the means to move forward. The means to LIVE!
I heard it said from a couple who is a friend of Michael W. Smiths, that "To be absent from the flesh" means to immigrate, "to be with The Lord" means to be in one's HOMELAND. Check it out. Grab your Bible and look up 2 Corinthians 5:8 which says, “We are confident, and willing rather to be absent from the body, and to be present with the Lord”.
You see, to be present with the Lord means to be at HOME. We are the ones, ladies and gentlemen, who are waiting to go home. Our sons, daughters, parents, brothers, sisters, and friends who have passed on?? THEY are at HOME waiting for US!
In my grief, I felt as though I couldn’t MOVE. I didn’t want to try again for another child, I didn’t want to celebrate another birthday or another holiday without my son. I had 25 blessed minutes with him and poof! I went home without him in my arms while the other moms delivered and had the joy of a little one. My husband and I lost the hope and dreams we had for our son. In fact, there are days we STILL wonder what Jackson Jeffrey would be doing, what kind of man he would have been. While others celebrate birthdays, we decorate a gravestone. At times, it can be heartbreaking….that is, if I look at what I see before me here on earth. If I focus on our Almighty and Powerful Father in Heaven, then it all becomes clear. Jackson would say, “MOM, I’m here waiting for YOU! I love it here, and while your grieving my presence on earth, we’ll have a whole eternity together in Heaven”.
That’s when God spoke to me and said, “ I’ll heal your broken heart Bek! I can bind up that wound if you’ll let me”.
That was the first day of the rest of my life. You see, my son isn’t in the past. He’s in our future. WE are walking TOWARD Heaven. I’ll have an eternity with Him. In that time though, God has a plan for Doug and I here on earth. I HAVE to move forward, and while some days are better than others, I have an AMAZING opportunity ahead which God already knows as His plan moves forward for my life.
This blog was created to share my heartache and my newfound joys in life. I am moving forward and trying things I’ve always wanted to do but became too afraid to do so. In this process, I hope to allow God to mend that fence of mine and hope to share HOPE with those who visit here.
Without further ado, please join me as I jot down my daily journey’s and come back during my unveiling of Jackson’s Hope Charity Chain where I pray those around me would help create crafted projects for children’s charities in memory of our son Jackson Jeffrey.
May God Bless you all!