Saturday, December 24, 2011

Merry Christmas!

                                               Merry Christmas and A Blessed New Year!

Friday, December 16, 2011

A Blessed Christmas And A Hope-Filled New Year

Hello there friend!

I do hope your doing well.  I wonder if your taking some quiet time amongst the hustle and bustle of the Holiday season?  Right now I have instrumental Christmas music on and I'm FINALLY resting with quiet time.

The past two days I've been able to find some time to get chores done around the house.  Balancing my life as wife and mommy haven't been so easy but I'm finally getting the hang of it with Gods help.

Amelia is right here by my side taking a little nap.  As I look at her precious face I am again in mighty praise for this little gift God has provided us with.  She encourages me along with God to be the best person I can be in and through Christ.  I WILL tell you it hasn't come easy at times but I am confident that God is ALWAYS doing a good work within me. I pray that my example will shed some light in my husbands life just as I hope it will my daughters life.

How are you getting on?  It feels like forever that I've kept in touch regularly with my blog.  This was an idea in my head after the loss of our son Jackson.  It's helped me to write and to heal.  While I'd like to keep this blog as it's intended goal, I'm also hoping to add just one more blog in the next few months to share more happy moments as our daughter and family grows along with passions of my own. That would be sewing, gardening, knitting, cooking, baking, quilting, a hopeful new passion of healthy living as well as budgeting, coupon and such.  I'm looking forward to sharing it with you when I finally get that  vision up and running as well. I've envisioned what my family is right now.

I still want to keep Broken Heart, Mended Fences as it's healing source to those who have lost a child.  I hope it will become a resource in the future.  While I find peace and joy in the future I have with our son in Heaven, my heart still hurts and yearns for a little boy who isn't here.  How will I share this little gift with our beautiful daughter and her siblings one day?  Most importantly, how can I share Jesus with others through the life and death of our son? I pray God will continue to give me wisdom to know what to do and the time to do it.

It seems fitting that Christmas is almost here as I sit here and share this thought with you.  The birth of a Savior who gave His life for us so that WE may live eternally in heaven.  So that we may praise Him, be illness free without a tear and so we may reunite with our loved ones who were lost. Those who knew Him and now know Him better than we do here on earth as we read of His Word.

I pray during this Christmas season that you find yourself with Gods peace and great joy. Even through the darkness if you find yourself there! This too shall pass.

If you find yourself alone, I pray also God would fill your cup and let it overflow.  That you would feel His mighty presence and know that you are loved by Him just as I love you today dear friend.

And so with this message comes the hope of a new year right around the corner.  I look forward to sharing the New Year with you as I look forward to a future of hope through Christ Jesus with my family and ask that You and Yours have a year full of abundant blessings in His Mighty name!   Amen.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Day 10...Let Me In

2 Corinthians 4:6  
For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Day 9...Let My Plans Delight You

Jeremiah 29:13 
You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.
I've been contemplating on Gods will for us.  In my world full of fuzzy brain lately, I haven't had much time to sit for long periods of time and just relax in Him as I did before our precious angel arrived. It's taken time to understand that it's okay NOT  to have it all together.  I'm so used to having everything organized and planned or having control over things that now it just seems like total chaos.  In the midst of it all though, I've come to realize that in all honesty all He cares about and all His will is for Us is to SEEK Him.  Even when we think there's no time there is.  The bathroom break, before getting out of bed, even before bed we can seek Him and KNOW Him as well as find Him.  He has said we will with the above passage.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Day 8...Let My Purposes Direct You

Jeremiah 29:11, ' For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope'.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Day 6...Let My Grace Transform You

Your worst days are never so bad that you are beyond the reach of God’s grace. And your best days are never so good that you are beyond the need of God’s grace. – Jerry Bridges

Monday, December 5, 2011

Day 5...Let My Forgiveness Heal You

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. - Colossians 3:12-13

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Day 3...Let my Living Water Refresh You.

Jesus is the water that brings life to the soul. By drinking the living water one can live and never thirst again. Jesus is that Living Water.

John 7:38 (KJV)"He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water".

Friday, December 2, 2011

Day 2...Let My Word Satisfy You

Contemplating on the following today:

"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled".  Matthew 5:6

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Day 1 of 12 Days Of Eternal Gifts

Let my holy Spirit fill you.

“ On one occasion, while he was eating with them, he gave them this command: “Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit.” ... “But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:4-5, 8).

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Stationery card

Classic Plaid Wishes Christmas Card
Turn your favorite photos into Christmas cards at Shutterfly.
View the entire collection of cards.

Saturday, November 19, 2011

12 Days Of Eternal Gifts

Please join me in treasuring the eternal gifts of the Christmas season.  Link to 12 Days of Eternal Gifts over at More To Be.

Day 1 ~ Let my Spirit fill you.
Day 2 ~ Let my Word satisfy you.
Day 3 ~ Let my Living Water refresh you.
Day 4 ~ Let my love surround you.
Day 5 ~ Let my forgiveness heal you.
Day 6 ~ Let my grace transform you.
Day 7 ~ Let my mercy undo you.
Day 8 ~ Let my purposes direct you.
Day 9 ~ Let my plans delight you.
Day 10 ~ Let me. Let me in.
Day 11 ~ Let me rule. Let me reign.
Day 12 ~ For my glory.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

Introducing Our Rainbow Baby

Sorry it's been awhile since posting.

Amelia Gabrielle Shearer arrived at 8:29am on Sept. 29th by c-section.  The section over all went well but felt kind of odd being pulled.  She came in weighing 8lbs 13oz's

She went up to NICU and they let her down two hours later only for her to go back up the following day because her sugars weren't stabilized.  It became rough from there. NICU was only "open" during certain times. DURING those times you had to breastfeed or feed your baby.  Amelia was learning to attach but has issues with peanut butter tongue...meaning her tongue goes to the roof of her mouth instead of lying at the bottom.  So that made our time spent there much later and gave her less time to latch on and get food. All the while, we'd get downstairs eat and instead of sleeping, we'd go back up for her feeding times.  It was awful seeing her on lead lines, being poked and prodded for testing.  I was obviously emotional seeing it.

She was finally sent back to us but then they said she had jaundice.  They wanted to keep her and we said okay, however the testing they did and then the light therapy left her without clothes on, cold, unswaddled and eyes always covered.  By the last 6 hours she'd had it and so did we. It was horrifying to go through with our little one.

We came home on day 5 of our stay and life has been better.  Amelia is latching on nicely, my milk has just come in and we're getting sleep when it comes.  It's been better together at home where we all belong. We're enjoying being a family now! My cup runneth over with abundant joy.

Wanted to share a few pics with you all.

                                                  The 1st time I saw my miracle baby.

                                                        Welcome Amelia Gabrielle!

                                      Cute little one.  I just love her more and more each day.

                                                   Amelia's first hour in her bassinete.

As of now, I'm recovering from the incision, have contracted PUPPS rash from pregnancy.  My abdomen is mishapen and my body has TONS of water retention in the abdomen especially, that is now leaking like I broke my water. I kept crying because I wondered if my body would look disfigured forever but have been told it will take time, and will get back to normal.

As I recover from the harder issues, I just keep looking at my daughter Amelia, my husband and our dogs and remember how blessed I am. My cup truly runneth over with abundant love! I thank God for all things INCLUDING my family. Praise be to God!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Latest Update

Hello Dear Friends!

Please forgive me for not posting so much.  As I start Week 38 of my pregnancy, there has been a whole lot going on.

Amelia is doing well. Still transverse, but doing well.  I on the other hand have high blood pressures along with swollen feet, ankles, legs and lower abdomen.  Fridays appointment, my Dr. decided she wants us to have an amnio to check Amelia's lung function and she wants a c-section done this week.  If I have proteins in my urine, they'll forgo the amnio altogether and go straight to the c-section.  We could have our little Amelia by next week.

I'm excited but nervous.  I have to say by tonight I am READY to have her.  I feel like the size of a truck from the water retention and am just ready to be myself again, ready to see the daughter we've waited 10 years for, ready to be with my husband and be a new family.  My emotions are all over the place. I'm excited, happy, amazed....I'm also scared, hopeful and wondering if I'll be a good mommy. This is all new to Doug and I. We've been praying for over 10 years and God blessed us with this child.  Now the day is at hand and I just don't know what to do. It's like everything is coming so quickly and I'm ill prepared for her arrival.  The bitter-sweetness of it all is that I'll also miss the beautiful movements I've felt as she kicks or moves.  This little girl has blessed me already beyond what I could have ever comprehended.  I'm amazed and bewildered at Gods creation. I'm thankful to Him!

At any rate. I'm excited and can't wait to share our little blessing with the world.  A blessing of Hope after the loss of a child.  I'm reminded that my daughter is considered a "rainbow baby".  A child born after a loss.  While her brother, Jackson Jeffrey, went home to be with the Lord.  God followed through on a promise.  You see, Many friends and I have been praying. One in particular, Patti and I have been praying.  She called me one day after my loss. We cried together and prayed.  We prayed as Hannah gave her son unto the Lord, She asked God for more children.  We stood on that promise and kept asking God to fulfill this for me too.  We weren't sure if it would be by conception (well, Patti was sure) or through adoption which is STILL our hearts desire.  But we stood on it.

After a year of grieving the loss of our son, we were ready to try again.  This time we knew we needed help so we went through fertility treatment with a means to stop if IVF treatment was recommended.  Our reasoning behind it was because we have ALWAYS wanted to adopt and the money to do either was similar in cost however there were no guarantees that IVF would actually work yet we knew there were plenty of children and still are who need loving homes with mommies and daddies willing to love them as their own.....Or in our case....a child who would be willing to call US their own.

We started an adoption blog in the middle of our treatment.  LITERALLY at the 11th hour just as the medical staff were giving up and ready to refer us to IVF treatment, we found out we were pregnant with the child we now know is our Amelia.  It was then we put the rest of our adoption blog on hold to care and advocate for myself and our daughter.

After Noah built the Arch and God followed through to wipe out the sinful population that refused to heed His call, God promised He would NEVER do that kind of thing again.  To show His promise, He created a beautiful rainbow.  Rainbows are symbols of Gods everlasting promises.  Hence the name for a "rainbow baby".  A child conceived and carried after a loss.

So to those of you grieving after a loss and wondering if you will ever have a baby or if you'll ever be able to allow yourself to have a baby, I pray you know Gods Hope.  As I've gone through this pregnancy, everything I've PLANNED has never gone as planned. In fact, I wanted a vaginal birth NOT a c-section. One of the MANY things that in my opinion went "wrong" with my plan.  HOWEVER, God knew HIS plans for Doug, myself and Amelia...for Jackson Jeffrey too!  It wasn't MY plan, however His plan is better.  For some of us, conception may not be the way we have our children.  It may be through adoption.  I've learned there's always more than one way....always more than MY way or MY control.

Now I'm not saying Gods plan was for Jackson to to parish the way he did in order to punish me.  What God did there was protect my son from harm, give peace to me and strength to my husband at the moment that was bitter sweet for us.  His PLAN was that of love and protection which carried on through the grief we had. Healing also took place.  God was NOT out to plan punishment and thus decide to use our son to do so.  No,  our Heavenly Father is a loving Father with plans that can be SO MUCH better than ours.  The day we said hello and goodbye to our son, God was with the three of us, wept our tears and gently took my son's spirit to heaven with his last little breath. A peace only a Heavenly Father could do.

While my daughter is here on earth with us....our son is running through the garden with Jesus waiting for US to come home.  Again, Jackson isn't gone forever.  We're NOT walking away from our son, we're walking TOWARD Him.  Toward our Heavenly Father with whom by the gift of Jesus Christ, we are able to spend a whole eternity with one day.

God is good!  I pray as Amelia arrives, Doug and I will be the example she needs to understand His love and to overcome adversity here on earth without the question of where her heavenly father is...but KNOWING with confidence that He is there and always will be both during good times, and those that are sorrowful!

May God bless you abundantly and May you find rest in Him.  I look forward to sharing Hope with you in the future!

Friday, June 24, 2011

Bacteria! Oh how you mock me.

Well, I think the title says it all.  I've had Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) in my first trimester.  Shortly after I ended up with a bad case of c-diff which put me in the hospital on leads for awhile.  Last week I was diagnosed with BV again and just yesterday my nurse called me to tell me that not only do I have BV, but I have an odd bacteria in my urinary tract. So I am now on flagyl and macrobid which are both antibiotics.

I seem to have a severe case of overpopulation of bad bacteria.  Oh, I'm an eater of yogurt. I also take probiotics but my body just can't seem to compensate for the overpopulation of the bad bacteria.  Obviously the meds are needed as both can put me in labor. So it's a matter of weighing whats more important.

NOW, since I'm taking so many antibiotics to get rid of each bacterial infection I am now succeptable to c-diff once again.  ONE issue I NEVER want again because I thought I was literally going to die from 9 hours of vomiting and the trotts all at once.  I was dehydrated, lacked potassium so I needed an IV for that, needed MORE antibiotics through IV, Saline and some other type of hydration to keep my body going when I couldn't eat.  It was a circus! Haha

I also received my weekly 17P Injection to keep me from going into preterm labor.  One injection weekly on the fourth quadrant of the butt cheek and you switch cheeks every other week.  Honestly it's a good thing because it would be downright TORCHER to have the injection in the same butt cheek each week.

Let me explain that 17P is a THICK gel-like substance that takes a pretty thick needle to transfer the medicine into the needle.  We then put a somewhat smaller needle on (but not too small because the gel wouldn't go through).  Doug as an RN knows how to numb the area before injecting so the site won't sting.  For anyone interested it's rubbing the area for 30 seconds with an alcohol pad which numbs the nerve endings and the patient doesn't feel the injection stinging.

NOW, when I heard the injections hurt I got a bit cocky because I don't feel the initial sting as Doug knows how to inject properly.  HOWEVER, what Dr.'s lacked to tell me was that the darn gel can pill in your muscles leaving you with a round rock on your butt cheek a week later.  It hurts!  In fact, the very first injection I was bed ridden because I was in so much pain.  Couple weeks after that I was trying to figure out how to turn over on either side without pain.  I have since learned that if you rub the area around REALLY hard, your less likely to pill. Also, concerning the pain...If you roll PAST the injection site onto your actual hip bone, you'll be able to sleep again. Haha

Today's injection was interesting as when Doug took the needle out, there was a surprising spurt of blood ALL OVER.  That issue hasn't happened before.  It did sting going in this time so that could be an issue too.  all in all though, I got my dose and that's all that matters.

On a more news worthy note, Amelia has started to kick MUCH harder today and more frequent too!  I find myself jumping and my eyes get bigger.  It's really an odd feeling.  Kinda makes me jump for some reason.  She's becoming quite the Karate kicker!

Well, that's all for today.  I pray you all have a lovely weekend!

Monday, June 13, 2011

Milestone passed and 6 more days to Viability Week!

I surpassed that dreaded milestone!  22wks was when we lost Jackson.  Here we are 23wks 1day with Amelia and I feel her moving. It feels delightful and hopeful all at the same time.  Viability week comes next Sunday and I can't tell you how excited I am.  Looking forward to passing wk 28, 36 and going all the way to October.

I celebrated by buying the Diaper Covers for the newborn cloth diapers I have.  Next month is wk 28 and we'll be FINALLY bringing the nursery furniture home and setting up shortly thereafter!  It's getting quite exciting now as I feel Amelia move and kick around.  Even when she nails me hard in the bladder I feel happy.

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...

Remember that quote from Forest Gump "Life is like a box of never know what your gonna get"?  

Well that's how I feel right now.  The 17P injections are given weekly on either side of the upper quadrant of the butt cheek.  During which the thick gel-like substance works into the muscle and for some sets itself there.  While Doug tries to massage it in the muscle, it won't always move so it pills within the muscle.

There are many side effects.  Not everyone gets them but many of us DO get one or more.

The issue with me is that the side effects have been so random for me that it's got me confused.  haha

The first couple weeks I had nausea, headaches and debilitating PAIN in my muscles.  Then the nausea and headaches disappeared and I had the pain in the muscles but it extended to the middle of my back and I could actually walk though finding a place to rest with the severe pain on my butt was a chore.  I finally figured I had to lay WAY over on my hips to avoid the pain.

Well last fridays injection came and I don't feel ANY pain (which is a nice break for a change) however the nausea and headaches are back.

I can understand having one or more regularly but it's become a random selection of what side effects will come with each injection.  I guess it keeps me on my toes that way.

I'm noticing my attitude about this pregnancy is getting better and better with each passing week.  Sunday will be wk 22 for me and it's the milestone to pass for me.  Jackson came at 22wks two years ago and it's been a horrifying fear of mine

Between the stitch and the injections.  I'm REALLY confident I'll make it past the 24th wk and hopefully past 28 and 36th wk.

This past weekend I made my way into the storage bins of baby items I had when I was pregnant with Jackson.  Took all the courage I had to get through it.  A few small tears and I was making my way into getting things situated in Amelia's closet.  I can't believe how many little girls clothes I bought of the years "hoping". I also have MANY boys clothes that are still tucked away in those bins with hopes that I will one day use THEM as well.

I looked in her closet and already with the clothes I purchased over the years, her closet is FULL.  I keep thinking she'll have too many clothes when everyone starts buying for us.

Her room is still pretty empty with exception to mommas craft supplies that need a home downstairs in the craft room.  It'll get emptied out in July when we bring home her nursery furniture.  I wanted to wait until wk 28 because In my head I couldn't bare to repack the babies room again if something were to happen.  NOW I'm just excited that we're just 3 weeks away from viability.

I was SO excited that I ordered infant cloth diapers this past weekend.  I only ordered 2 dozen because I'm not sure how long she'll actually be in them. I just knew I wanted to be on the safe side and have something here.  Next week we'll buy the diaper covers to go over them.

Mood.  Hmm, It's getting hot over here and I'm not a fan of HEAT. Especially HUMIDITY that comes with NY summers.  It's then when I start missing the snow!  I seem to be making the most of it though.  I preplanned and we splurged for one of those new portable air conditioners. You know the big ones for big bucks???  Yup, I told my husband if he wanted to keep me happy this summer we'd have to splurge.  So we purchased this little baby in April and I've been HAPPY ever since.   It's hot outside right now, but inside I am a cool cucumber!

All is well thus far.  It's good to be positive for a change.  I feel so different not being on edge as much!

Sunday, May 29, 2011

It's 3am and guess who can't sleep?!lol

I figured I'd jot down my thoughts today to ease the sleeplessness.

Today is officially wk 21. Yay Amelia!  I'm a bit nervous about next week as that is the milestone to get past since our son Jackson passed, but based on this weeks Perinatal appointment. I'm quite confident of surpassing that milestone.  I even seem to have a more positive attitude.

Speaking of Perinatal appointment it's THE FIRST time I received some good news for a change!  My cervical length didn't go down nor did she find anymore funneling since the surgery.  Seems that by the Grace of God the bed rest is working.  Our Great Physician in Heaven is AWESOME!

We also discussed her report from the cardiologist.  She didn't get anything she understood, but she got enough from me.  She apologized for how it all happened and even mentioned that Downs is only 30% of the cases and not all babies with VSD have Downs. She said she would be more concerned with another type of heart defect that Amelia has been found not to have.  She also mentioned that VSD is quite common in infants and majority of the cases clear up on their own.  SHE has decided to do another scan in 2 wks to check the heart herself and do some more anomaly scans to check Amelia's growth.  Everything has been right on thus far.  Obviously there are no guarantees, but as I said before we will keep our beautiful baby NO MATTER WHAT!

Today I was given permission by the Dr. to take a ride.  We went to a garden center and bought some flowers for the pots in Jackson's stone.  I sat while Doug planted them and I must say his grave looks just beautiful!  Simplistic but gorgeous!

Came home and Doug also tended to his container garden on the porch.  We have beautiful hanging strawberry plants instead of the ferns this year, we have the long pots with lettuce, spinach, carrots and he even snuck in a couple 5 gallon bins and planted corn which has already come up.  Can you believe I have corn growing on my porch?? lol My husband makes me smile.

Today I also came out in Faith and ordered some Newborn cloth diapers.  I decided I'd need something for Amelia in the few weeks she's born and not knowing how big she'll be, I didn't want to buy something I wouldn't need so I purchased 2 dozen Clotheez organic prefolds and figure if I need another dozen, I'll buy them once she's here.

I'll also purchase diaper covers next paycheck where I've decided on the Thirsties Duo Wrap which has a broader range fit from 6-12lbs.  The snaps make it easier to adjust to the sizing.  I figured I'd buy 4 with the Aplex and 4 with the snaps to see which ones will fit Amelia the best and then purchase more later when we know she will like or fit in them better.

I also went into the pile of clothes I had from my pregnancy with Jackson and finally opened the storage bin to weed through what we'd use for Amelia.  Aside from a few boyish items, I had forgotten that my friends over the years have given us baby clothes I stored away.  Amelia has some pretty cute girly outfits already and along with some neutrals I purchased just weeks before we knew Jackson was a boy...Amelia now has quite a few sleepers, onesies, etc in the closet.  Nothing too cutesie yet, but that will come in time.  In fact, my mother already told me she's gone to town on little girl outfits.  She's really excited.  I'm still waiting to purchase clothes until 28wks.  I find it's best to get through these milestones the next well, 7 wks now.

My Doula and Perinatologist have already noticed that since the stitch I've been so much more able to find excitement in this pregnancy and enjoy my little girl even bonding with her more and more.  I must admit though, it doesn't take much.  I feel her kicks and hear her little heart beating and she just makes her mommy cry with joy!  I just praise God for every little miraculous movement and beat.  I also praise him during the not-so-fun moments.  You know, the ones with pain from the injections or the nausea associated or regular aches and pains.

I see those as gifts as well.  Though I find it hard to sleep most nights because it takes two weeks for one butt cheek to heal and then I get a shot again, I know it's to ward off preterm labor and keep my little girl safe from harm.  God knows all things and works for the good of both His kingdom and His children.  I am blessed and each jab, feeling of nausea or any other ache of pain is a gift.

Speaking of blessings.  Today Dougs parents came by to visit and brought puzzles as well as reading material. I also had a visit from another friend from church who brought us a dorm refrigerator with a freezer so I don't have to keep coming up and down the stairs each day.  I'm happy to say it's in the bedroom right now.  We also have a made coming on Monday thanks to another kind friend from church.  It's a blessing but so odd to me to have someone cleaning my home while I'm in my bedroom.  I'm grateful though!

I think with all the excitement of the day though, I'm having a tough time coming down.  Not to mention Doug is going to church without me tomorrow and I'm SO SAD.  Not that he's going to church, but that I'll be missing yet another week.  For good reason of course, but I honestly love our church family and moreover, I love hearing The Word Of God and learning.  Luckily I can hear it from the website later in the week but I miss the faces and just the personal experience of listening as Gods word unfolds before my eyes again and again.

I'm trying to get into a new schedule of prayer, reading and also praying for a list of those who ask for prayer.  Keeping a list and praying each day.  I think with the trauma of losing Jackson, I feel as though the part of me that used to be on fire to learn and even pray for others has kinda dwindled and I became needy myself.  Maybe even a bit too emotionally and spiritually needy that I started lacking in foundation and prayer that I once had before the tragedy struck.  Oh I pray and I read, I'm just not as on-fire as I used to be or would like.

I've been asking for change.  Change of attitude and perspective.  I DO NOT want my daughter learning  some of the behaviors I've had to cope. The fear, the anxiety, the disappointment which leads to anger or rage.  I do not want my daughter to inherit those unhealthy behaviors.  Instead, I want her to be CONFIDENT in her Lord Jesus Christ. To be BOLD in her love for Him and know that even through bad times God is Good and His plans are for the good of both His people and His kingdom.

So in facing this challenge, I've been asking God to prune the sins of my heart and replace them with the Fruit of The Spirit.  To live IN the Spirit and BY the Spirit.  When I do that, both I and others will see the fruit in me.  At the moment, I'm lacking some of that fruit.  It's now that I have to look within at the sin in my life and allow God to prune it from my heart and help to change me within so that I may be the wife, mother, daughter, cousin, friend, etc. that HE would like me to be.

So it is here that I close.  I also give you my thanks for getting this far if you've read this post to the end.  Lacking sleep, I have a whole lot to chat about and the time is on my hands.  It is also now that I close to pray with God as I try to put my mind to rest and allow God to give me peace, lighten my burdens and bless my spirit.  I ask the same for all of you my dear friends! May God continually bless you with the presence of His Holy Spirit in Jesus name I pray...Amen!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

New Focus

So in hearing some of your responses, chatting with a couple friends of mine (one who is a genetics counselor the other an adoption agent who see's sono's all the time) I've decided to put aside the feedback I got from the pediatric cardiologist.

First, I'm told that VSD is very common. Second I'm told that while it "can" be associated with Downs, there are MANY infants who don't have any chromosomal abnormalities.  Third, it seems to me that many of these Dr.'s have brought up age issues with quite a few of us here and without justification.

All that said and I feel as though the first a foremost important priority is to keep Amelia safe and get her to term by bed rest and of course by my faith in Jesus Christ.

satan seems to know my buttons and unfortunately, I let him play on those fears instead of reminding myself how POWERFUL and MIGHTY our Lord Heavenly Father is.

So in seeing just how rediculous this assumption is, I'm certainly NOT going to freak out about it for 8 weeks.  We'll deal with it when and IF it even happens, but I'm NOT going to give attention to something we don't know is true.  God is the Great Physician and Ultimate Healer.  HE knows every cell and hair on Amelia's body.  As one reader has mentioned.  God does NOT make mistakes!

I had some pain last night and decided instead of just letting my mind wander, I would focus on God.  I was reminded last night of "The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH"  Then I continued on.  God must be MIGHTY proud.  In creating this little miracle inside me, He has also brought such a testimony to our lives not just ONCE but TWICE!  During this pregnancy, though on bed rest, Doug has taken on quite a lot of extra work around the house.  Our church family has started bringing us a couple meals a week to lighten his burden, we've been given to use a dorm refrigerator to use upstairs until we have Amelia and someone nominated us for free housecleaning services.

Can you believe it?  Starting next week, we have someone coming in one day a week to clean our home.  I feel like a gem!  It will feel SO ODD being here and having someone clean for us while I am laying down.  I'm not used to this OR this luxourious service. Both Doug and I are Grateful though.

It reminded me last night of the saying "it takes a village to raise a child".  That phrase couldn't be more true for us.  God has blessed us with so many friends both in real life and over the internet who have blessed our hearts, encouraged us, served us and prayed for us.  Amelia is a bi-product of all those who have been a part of her life from utero.

When I look at all that, I see just how Awesome God is and how much His hand is in Amelia's gestational growth, birth and onward.  As the Bible says, "When God is for us, who can be against us"? Romans 8:31

In closing, another blogger friend of mine responded by asking me to find that Scripture that will lift my spirits and remind me of Gods Power and Might.  This is what I've been leaning on thus far, but have never actually written or typed it out for me to see physically.  So I conclude with this scripture that I plan to focus on until we deliver our little Amelia in the fall.

Thus says the Lord…He who formed you…Do not fear…I have redeemed you…I have called you by name…You are Mine! …I will be with you…I am the Lord your God…Your Savior…You are precious in my sight…You are honored…I love you…Do not fear….adaptation of Isaiah 43:1-5

Monday, May 23, 2011

Another Hill To Climb. Will God Overcome This Obstacle?!

Today's appointment didn't go as well as I had planned.  In fact, it's left me more confused, frustrated and on edge than ever.

I've started blogging again because I wanted to jot down my journey. A journey I had hoped could only get better.  Thing is, there seems to be one hill after another to climb.  Just when we seem to reach the top, yet another hill to climb.

I'm getting tired.  Weak I suppose.  I see God, but I have questions. I have continued prayers for miracles to overshadow what man puts before us.

I'm sure your wondering what this is all about and since I don't have too many people I can share this with, I absolutely NEED to jot this down for sanity-sake.  

Today was the appointment with the fetal cardiologist for the fetal echocardiogram.  I was told it's something that is always done with women who are diabetics.  Thought I'd race right in, and then leave with good news.  INSTEAD, I find myself in a totally different place.  A place of unknown territory, fear and frustration.

We were sat down and the cardiologist asked if we were given the risks of being older parents.  I found the question to be a bit daunting as we weren't getting anywhere really.  Sure I was told the risks.  Last pregnancy they shared them all with me and figured they didn't need to go through it again.  In fact, I opted out of the testing with Jackson and did the same again this time with Amelia.  No matter what, we would keep our children if we are so blessed as to be parents.

After hearing from our own mouths what we were told, the cardiologist told us Amelia was safe from 90% of all MAJOR heart related issues.  We looked at each other and I was for the most part filled with relief.  In my head though I wondered about the other 10%.  

The other 10% he said that he had found a hole between Amelia's two ventricles.   He said he found this in each picture.  He was quoted as saying (and my husband understood as an RN on his cardiac unit) Amelia could possibly have what is called Ventral Septal Defect.  

The reason he went through the schpeal about risk factors of older mothers is because this Ventral Septal Defect is associated with Downs Syndrome Babies.

He asked if the Peri Center mentioned any issues with Downs upon seeing Amelia's sonograms.  Most often you can tell with the size of the hands and feet, I'm sure the head measurements as well.  We told him that all her sonograms came out Excellent.  

He said there is great possibility since Amelia's position wasn't really as good to take the sono pics that her rib may have caused shadows and there may not be a problem at all with Ventral Septal Defect, but in order to find out, He'd need to see us again in 8 weeks when she's bigger.

So here I am, confused.  We just had the cerclage put in last Thursday with hopes to keep her safe and alive to term and now THIS.  

I keep thinking how awful my body is and blaming myself for each issue that comes along with my kids. I'm trying not to let satan win here.  I mean, what does one DO with this information?!

The last thing a mother wants for her child is to struggle in life.  Doug and I know well that Downs children can live a full and happy life.  What scares me though is that we may not be around to guide and protect her when she gets MUCH older.  We're older parents.  Though the fact that I'm in my mid 30's doesn't really seem very old when you see the likes of the Duggars who have had many children and there are no downs babies.  I don't get it!  I just don't get it.  But we're no different from any other parent out there....whether they have a special needs child or not.  

My fear now is how much will she have to struggle IF she has this?  I do NOT want her institutionalized and am glad both Doug and I are equipped to give her as normal a life as we can.  But I can't help think that her struggles will be MY FAULT.  

Aside from jotting this down here, there are only two people in real life locally that I can talk to about this.  One being my Doula who actually HAS a special needs child and the other being a woman from church we've become REALLY good friends with.

The sad part about all this is that on boards that I frequent, I'm a rare case of someone who opted out of the genetic testing.  I purposely didn't get one with Jackson and I didn't get one now with Amelia because no matter what, She's a gift from God and we will love her no matter what.  But how do you share this with a society that would just assune terminate a pregnancy because the baby has possible chromosomal issues?

What's worse is that I'm not even sure how my parents (specifically my mother) will act with Amelia IF she in fact does have Downs.  I see how my mother is when confronted with people who are different.  It breaks my heart and so does the thought that people will feel sorry for us or treat my daughter differently because she may or may not have a disability.

Right now I hurt.  My heart hurts, my head hurts because I can't grasp what's going on.  In the end, I just keep thinking the first and foremost priority is to get her to term.  To be this little girls mother.  

We were told the heart defect, if there is to be one, THIS is the one!  It is very minimal and if she even needs surgery for worst case scenario, she can have the surgery at a year old and be fine.  Downs, well, we know that depending on the type she has, she can lead a perfectly normal and happy life.  Not of course the one we'd prefer...But God knows her place here and her testimony will be a great one.

In the meantime, I grieve for my baby girl.  I just don't know if it's even needed.  I mean...I pray this cardiologist is WRONG.  If he isn't, I pray that she will lead as normal and pain-free a life as she possibly can.  Then I think what can I do to make her life easier?  How can I share Jesus with her?!

Thoughts and decisions no mother ever wants to make.  I pray God gives me wisdom and strength for the road ahead.  If it be His will, let Him share another miracle with us!  To God be the glory...Forever!

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Eventful Week!

Yes, I went in to have my cervical length checked last Wed. to find my length went from 3.2cm's down to 2.0.  I was admitted to the hospital that night and prepped for surgery the next day.

Though I was supposed to have a PRIVATE room when I got there, they put me in the same room with another gal who just had the cerclage operation I was to have the next day.  It went from bad to worse when half hour later, they were doing a heartbeat scan only to find the baby was dead.  My roomate started to cry and then of course I started to cry, having lost our son Jackson and KNOWING I'd be going in for the SAME surgery the next day.

The nursing staff knows my history and transferred me out of that room right away into a room by myself.  Poor Doug was in a panic trying to find me because he had gone for dinner only to come back to chaos.

Needless to say I never slept a wink that night.  The next day one of my favorite nurses came in to tell me my roomate had a lot more going on and that my circumstances were different.  She put my mind at ease but I was still anxious until they finally came in to take me to the surgery.  Before taking me, we had to find the fetal heartbeat.  Amelia almost gave mommy a heart-attack when we couldn't find the heartbeat for several minutes.  Turns out she was sick of all the noise every 3 hours and kept moving herself around!

Finally got into the surgical area where I was prepped.  The room was cold, had tons of medical equipment and the medical team was clothed in blue, with hairnets, gloves, shields and instruments.  Not at all a calming atmosphere.  I was put on the table and the anesthetist started the numbing sensation on my back for the "spinal".  It didn't hurt, just felt pressure.  I didn't like it!

They got me on the table, added that dreadful air to my nose for better breathing (which I could have done without) and started prepping for the surgery. The table lifted up and my bottom end started raising REALLY high.  I felt as though I would fall off the table but never did.

I was doing pretty well until the Anesthetist spoke of yesterdays surgery where the patient had a bulging sac.  I heard my Dr. Holler ENOUGH!  My Dr. knew that not only was that my roomate, but I lost Jackson due to the fact I was dialated and my amniotic sac was bulging.

That's when I began to panic.  I hollard that I was going to be sick and they added more anti-nausea through IV.  I slowly started to calm myself down and then the surgery was done.

I made the staff laugh when I told them the numbing sensation felt like I was running naked in the snow!  She must have liked it so much she shared that with my husband in the waiting room.

I was then taken to recovery where I spent two hours trying to get my darn toes to wiggle!  Upon arriving they told me I couldn't leave until I could move.  I told them I was ready to walk out myself.  The nurse laughed and said, "go ahead".   Umm, I seemed to have been paralyzed from the waist down. It was NOT my favorite moment as I'm pretty stubborn and want UP!  I don't want to have to spend anymore time in the hospital than I need to, and in order to leave the next day, I had to prove I could walk, pee on my own and without limited pain.

I did it all by midnight.  Though I was told I could leave that morning, someone forgot to sign the orders and I had to sit there until after noon.  I had Doug run to get my 17P (progesterone injections that stop preterm labor) and he called telling me he was chasing down my package because UPS refused to deliver to our P.O. Box.  This was a drug I NEEDED that day, so as I was released, we drove to UPS station where they had actually LOST the package.  Half hour later and we found it again. Phew!

So, here I sit on bed rest.  Today I'm 20wks and halfway to delivery day. YAY for me!  We're praying that stitch hold our Amelia in for another 20wks safely!

In the meantime I have so many people offering to help.  The church is making meals a couple times a week to lighten Dougs burdens.  Some are offering to clean our house (not much to really clean...just dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, wiping down bathroom and laundry).  My cup runneth over with all the help we are getting.  God is SO good!

This week I have a fetal echocardiogram which is normal for someone with Type II diabetes like me.  I can't wait to hear her little heart beating again.

I have my Doula coming with a backup to meet in case I go into labor when she's not around, and I have a scan this week to check and make sure all is well with the cerclage stitch they put in...then to the perinatologists office.

Something tells me that my life will be filled with appointments and bed rest.  I'll do anything for this little girl of ours! I love her deeply.  Thank You God for a second chance to be a loving parent!

Friday, May 13, 2011

A Precious Little Girl And A Funneling Cervix At 18wks

Came back from our scan and Dr. appointment. Good news is baby is doing well! The head measurements were good, and all the other organs and such were on target. We're scheduled for an echocardiogram for the baby which is a common thing to do with babies of Diabetic mommies but as far as she could tell the baby's heart was doing fine. They just couldn't see all of it because of the way the baby was positioned.

My cervical length went down YET again to 32 with slight funneling this time which ISN'T a good sign. I almost landed in the hospital today to keep an eye on it, but the Dr. said "A normal closed cervical length is a good indicator of a normal positive outcome." Meaning it's at 32 right now and it won't be ABNORMAL until it gets to 25 before they'll actually follow through with a cerclage stitch. Funneling to them doesn't matter because the cervix is still closed (this seems to be typical of IC though)

Funneling is basically the very top of your cervix beginning to open. If you imagine a plastic funnel used to fill a bottle with liquid, the cervix is looking exactly like that - kind of 'Y' shaped. The top of the Y being the part they refer to as "funneling". It isn't catastrophic because the rest of the cervix is still long and closed, but it is a sign of very early cervical changes.

So I'm going in WEEKLY now for internal scans To watch the cervical length.

I DID find out the gender though. This is all so bitter-sweet for me. I want to shout it to the world what we're having and yet...I'm afriad of losing this one now too. It's just a waiting game and while I have more intervention than I had with our son Jackson jeffrey, The Dr.'s in this state take a conservative approach to stitching the cervix because they aren't sure what causes what...if Incompetant cervix causes Preterm Labor or vise versa. They'd rather take the more conservative and less invasive approach.

So on with the gender:

I hope the pic isn't too big as I'm still having issues with photobucket re-sizing.

This image has been resized. Click this bar to view the full image. The original image is sized 800x647 and weights 80KB.

It's a Her name will be Amelia. Will you all keep us in your thoughts and prayers that Amelia will be born healthy at her due date either the last week of Sept. or 1st week of October?! We can use all the prayer we can get.

Disappearing Post Comments

Hm, I saw AT LEAST 3 comments on my blog the other day AND confirmations in my email.  Now they seem to be gone.  I appoligize to everyone who commented. I don't think I deleted them.  Has anyone had any issues with responses vanishing?!

Maybe it's just me!

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Parties, illness, bacteria and newfound joy!

Hi there everyone!

It's been awhile since my last post, but things have been pretty busy on our end.  Our lives seemed to be filled with Dr.'s appointments, 17P injections, and prepping for the upcoming months.  I must say that I'm now at a point where I can enjoy this pregnancy.  I am at 18wks this week and the upcoming weeks will be quite the milestones for us.  Particularly wks 22 and wks 24.  Week 22 was my preterm birth with Jackson Jeffrey and week 24 is the viability milestone. 

So far things have been pretty good.  I've had bouts of infections.  There was bacterial vaginosis which we took care of at wk 4.  Then I landed in the hospital last month after announcing to our family that we were having a baby by a family game of charades.  Now THAT was fun!  The game not the hospital jaunt.

I ended up in the hospital with 9 hours of vomiting and diarrhea where they found out I had caught another bacterial infection from the busy Dr.'s office we were last in.  I spent the night at the hospital and while the baby was JUST FINE, momma thought she was going to die without water to drink because she was hooked to an IV with several leads!

Since then, so far so good.  While the 17P injections (thick gel-like progesterone given to stop preterm labor) hurt terribly and cause the muscle to swell, I'm willing to suck it up to keep baby where he or she needs to be.

We're looking forward to fridays scan which will not only monitor my cervical length, but if baby cooperates, we'll know the gender as well.  It will be nice to put a face with a name and be able to actually call our baby by name.  I had thought I would leave it a secret, but emotionally I NEED to bond with our little one.  I need to let the fear of loss go and enjoy this little one I'm carrying. 

Right now I get SO EXCITED just to hold our little one come fall but evenmoreso, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving, Christmas, time at the beach, fun time at the zoo, etc. etc.  It's a gift and I know God will take care of our little one and guide me emotionally, physically AND spiritually through so we can hold a healthy, happy little baby at Harvest Time.

I'll be back soon!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

Surprise! There's a rainbow of Gods promises.

Feb. 9th, our 10 year anniversary, we found out we're having a beautiful rainbow baby (miracle conceived after losing a child). Please join us as we pray for a safe and healthy pregnancy with a beautiful baby come October. ♥

Seeing this picture, I was finally able to breathe.  I felt my baby saying to me, "Hi mom!  I'm okay, do not worry. You know God created me and has already counted each strand of hair on my head.  Worry not!  For HE is with US mommy".  That little hand waving at me just makes my cup runneth over with joy!  Thank you Lord for this new little miraculous gift. 

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Busy Season And A Bit Of Heartache

Hello everyone!

I haven't forgotten about you.  Things have gotten pretty busy over here so I haven't been on as much these days.  Doug has been doing alot of overtime at work, I've been trying to make meals for those in need either from church or elsewhere while also catching up on some reading. 

Today Doug cut our Pekingese's hair today.  A little choppy poor thing, but at least she looks a bit more clean.  I also got fed up with her shedding.  This year she's started to shed quite alot more.  I don't know if it's our New York winters or just a different year.  I hope to have a picture of her up soon.

I'll be gone for a few more weeks as Dougs family are coming to town and we're hosting a BIG dinner here.  It will be exciting!

For now I'm trying to keep up with the house. 

If you can all keep my friend Wendy in your prayers I'd appreciate it.  We found out that her 23 year old son was stabbed several times while trying to come to the defense of a young girl.  They're investigating everything.  We took a huge tray to her and I filled up a cart with more food and drink as well as cinnamon rolls for breakfast for the crew.  I just held her as she cried. 

My heart goes out to her.  She has many children in her house that were deemed "unadoptable" either because they were too old, or because of a health issue.  Her and her husband have not only fostered them, but adopted them.  Her son was one of those boys.  While some of them have come through tragic circumstances and may have made some wrong decisions, they seemed to have thrived with my friend and her family.  Her son clarence was a bright and kind young man and it breaks my heart that a tragic act of violence took him so young. 

The gift that God gives us is that our children are HOME.  They are waiting for US and are free.  The sadness of it all is that we are the ones left behind and it takes a whole lot of grace from God to get through the grief and anger.  It's God who picks us up when we cannot stand on our own two feet.

I'll never understand the reasoning behind killing another person to get revenge or even why a person would ruin their lives forever by taking a life and going to prison.  There are questions I have that may never be explained until I get to heaven myself.  ((sigh))

Summer is coming, and sadly crime will go up here in the city.  I can't help in my friends own grief, think of all the other mothers and fathers who will go through this same loss because of disrespect for the gift of life.  My only hope is that God will give the love to these teens and young adults that they may not have had in their own homes.  I pray that God would deliver them from sin and that they would walk eternally with Him forever.

Please pray for my friend Wendy as she goes through the funeral plans and through the long grief process of losing a son. 

May God bless you all!!

Sunday, February 20, 2011

A New Camera

I'm very excited because after we broke our camera last spring, we have finally chosen a new one.  I'm looking forward to the pictures we'll be taking and I'll finally be able to post future projects. 

I hope your all doing well.  It's been pretty cold here and Doug has been getting in extra hours due to low staffing at the hospital. 

I looking forward to posting blog entries again.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Lord, Please Don't Forget Me. I'm still here...

This two week wait has proven to be an uphill battle emotionally.  As I wait for His answer, I pray He will not forget me.  That I won't be the only one still sitting here...waiting.

It hasn't been fun being around me.  My heart, mind and spirit are quite weary and I long for the answer to be "yes".  Reality is though, that God doesn't always say "yes".  That's my fear.  As I talk myself into who God isn't...He isn't a God of fear, jelousey, anger, rage, anxiety, bitterness, etc., I find myself trying my hardest to focus on what He IS...a God of Love, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, Kindness, Gentleness, Guidance and yes, sometimes miracles.

I've already received one miracle though.  One that while I wait for heaven to see him again, I also DREAM to experience the gift of pregnancy once again. For a more positive and beautiful outcome. A healthy child carried to term.

Two week waits to test are usually pins and needles, but this one is INTENSE.  It is the difference between a dream come true, or closing the door to open a whole new one.  It is HERE where I sit and wait.  I HOPE in the only one that has the power to create a miracle that Dr.'s cannot do.  It is now when I say, "Lord, please don't forget your daughter".

Monday, January 24, 2011

Waiting and Organizing In The Frigid Temps

Oh goodness!  Throughout this path of fertility treatment, I've heard MANY women talk of excessive testing as they wait.  This hasn't really hit me until my present cycle.  We have a TON of tests in the closet and I'm SO tempted to test.  It's too early and I know it.  I'm on eggshells waiting to find out the Lords plan for us.  There's an inkling of anxiety and I see myself wanting to control the outcome if only to test to see where we will be next month.

To calm my heart, mind and spirit, I've been reading scripture that fits the occassion.  I am atimate about staying the course and focusing solely on God.  THIS is my still season right now.  When I find my mind is getting side tracked, I try to redirect myself to do "what's right". Is testing REALLY going to change Gods outcome?  Wouldn't it be better to wait on the LORD'S plan to unravel and not to rush Him?!

God is good and I know He'll reveal His plan in time.  His timing as I've said before is PERFECT.

In the meantime, I've been getting things done around the house.  The temperatures have been in the single digits lately so it's given us ample time to reorganize here.  We bought bookshelves the other day that I had planned to put on each side of the sliding glad doors in the dining room.  They look PERFECT.  I have to change the curtains, but that will come in time.  We have a TON of books and we'll most likely have more coming in the house soon.  We have a book case upstairs and now two more downstairs.  I tilted my dining room table and it looks SO nice! Why didn't I think of that before??

We also got my new sewing machine off layway at Sears.  The desk we put together is complete and is also in the bay window area in the dining area.  It all comes together nicely.  I can't wait to get to my sewing again.  I have a quilting class in February to look forward too.

I'll start putting pictures up again when we get a new camera. Oh how I miss blogging with pictures!

Love to you all!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

Resting Period

I seem to be in a "resting period" lately.  It's absolutely AWESOME!  I don't remember a time where I've ever been calmer and I attribute it to peace from the Holy Spirit.

I had an IUI on Tuesday morning.  When the medical staff literally said they thought this cycle was a bust, I prayed to God for a miracle and lo and behold, 3 fully mature follies showed up.  I haven't had three the whole time I've been going through treatment.  It's a testimony to God's mighty power. 

When we went in for the IUI, I found out that the midwife was performing the procedure.  That was a first for me and while I was hesitant, I knew just why I love natural child birthing.  First, let me share that I prayed for "peace which surpasses ALL understanding".  Throughout the whole appointment I was praying scripture and standing on Gods word. 

Upon entering the room, we found out that Doug had a MASSIVE amount of "swimmies" and that they'd be inserting two vials of swimmies instead of just one as usual.  Praise God! I thought.  This has never happened either.

As the midwife performed the IUI procedure I felt nothing but compassion, love and peace.  While it was uncomfortable I did not feel the pain I usually did with the past two procedures I had with the medical staff on the other side of the office.  In fact, I CLEARLY understood the reasons why I like the whole natural approach. 

You see, The last two times were VERY "clinical".  Get em in, get em out.  Everything was done in a hurry and we were left alone.  It's quite understandable why Dr.'s are performing massive amounts of unneeded c-sections in order to work around their own schedules to be home for dinner instead of waiting on the mothers to birth their children.

In fact, go into any Labor and Delivery unit and ask how many of the nurses and staff perform "natural" deliveries and watch them all look at you with confusion on their minds.  Many of your city hospitals just don't. If they DO actual vaginal deliveries, oftentimes you'll find them administering petocin to speed along the process.  They don't tell you that using petocin will actually produce MORE pain during child birth and can even cause attatchment issues once the baby is out and mom wants to nurse.

Okay, okay. So I'm getting off track here.  My point here though is there was a HUGE difference between the IUI I had this time and the two done by the medical staff on the other side of the office.  One was more natural, allowed time for the swimmies to move back and gave such love and compassion for a dream long hoped for and awaited. While the other experience was WAY more "clinical" with less emotion and more rushed.

God knew what I needed and provided that for Doug and I.  Now it's in HIS hands.  Will we actually find ourselves pregnant soon?  Or will we continue to move forward with adoption next month?  Either way we've always wanted to adopt and will approach that direction with excitement.  However, I would love to conceive a child and carry to term with a more positive experience in my head.

If that day comes, Lord willing, I am confident that we will approach our birthing experience the same way we did with Jackson Jeffrey and with the same measure we had this time when the midwife performed the IUI procedure.  With a more natural, loving and GODLY approach than the experience I've had. 

I look at it this way, had I listened to the Dr.'s when we were birthing our son to go ahead and take morphine, we would have never seen our son alive and enjoyed the moments we had with him.  He either would have died right away OR would have been too lethargic from the drugs to function.

Overall, I've seen God EVERYWHERE in my life.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  So to God be the glory.  Either way, we'll have another miracle. For that may God solely have the glory.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

A New Journey-Adoption

We're so excited to announce that we're moving forward with adoption plans.  It's been a long hard road trying to conceive since our son passed.  It took us 8 years just for his miraculous conception but it was certainly God who made it all happen.

We have been told that it's time to think about moving on to IVF. Doug and I agreed before we started all this, that our stopping point would be IVF.  We have always wanted to adopt since LONG before we got married and it just makes sense to move straight to adoption.

We have picked a country and now we're working on another blog dedicated to our adoption journey.  If we get pregnant on our own in the future, it will be Gods great blessing, but we are at peace knowing our children have been born in our hearts for quite some time and God knows our hearts desire to adopt our little one as our own forever.

I am working on some fundraising opportunities as we speak and Doug and I are quite excited as we step out in faith to bring home our son or daughter.

I look forward to sharing with you our new blog shortly.  In the meantime, we covet your prayers that God would help us finance the adoption to bring home our little one safely. 

Love to you all,

Monday, January 10, 2011

I Surrender To You Lord, Speak Boldly

As I sit here and wait, I am encouraged.  God is with us.  He knows our desire and I know He'll provide.  Lord, multiply our descendents and widen our territory.  Fill us with the fruits of the spirit and hear our prayer in Your Son's name I pray...Amen!

In the center of a circle and unsure which way I'm going

Is it possible there could be more change in the air?!  After another appointment for labs and sono's, my nurse called to tell me the estrogen level has gone down.  She let me know that if this cycle doesn't work, we should think about moving on to a Dr. who is more equipped for my body that is slow to stimulate follies to maturity.

It seems as though we're coming to our stopping point pretty fast.  The Dr. she speaks of is the only specialist in the area that is well known. The problem with this is that he's for the numbers which makes his rates look good published and also has an EXTREME focus on IVF.  My husband and I have committed to stop there because we do not want to store fertilized embryos for someone else to take, we don't want to sell them for adoption and we most certainly don't want them to be used for stem cell research.  The money it costs to store and the amount of times IVF is covered just wouldn't be enough to risk for us.

I am very sad because after 8 years, we conceived Jackson without fertility intervention after we were told we'd never be able to.  It happened on it's own by surprise.  At almost 37, I don't have another 8 years to wait.  This is the only measure we can use to try for a natural pregnancy to carry a healthy baby to term.

We've been wanting to adopt for some time and finances have been an issue.  We don't want to go into debt, what kind of an inheritance would that be to give a child we adopt as our own if we hand down debt?! 

I'm in a place right now where I'm not sure what we're going to do.  We have four more IUI's left. Do we go to a Dr. that may not put our best interest first before his quota or love for IVF?  Do we travel back and fourth to a city 2 hours away from us where there are other specialists who have a better repor??  Do we foster to adopt?  In which case we're forgoing infancy which we've never had the pleasure of enjoying and going straight to older children which we don't mind as we fostered teens.  Do we bite the bullet and somehow get our heads in the door at an adoption agency who will charge us 20k?  Even with the tax credit, we would have to put up the money in order to get it back at the end of the year.  So while people say it's cheaper, it isn't at that paticular time.

My heart is weary but I DO know God is with Doug and I.  I'm not sure what his plans are.  I pray we hear Him speak, that He will somehow open the door for us to be parents here on earth.  My heart is heavy but God says His burdens are light.  Father, please show us your will and multiply our descendents.  Help us to provide enough room for them and direct us in how to use our finances wisely in Jesus name.

Friday, January 7, 2011

Waiting Patiently...AGAIN.

NOTE: Scroll to the bottom to mute the music already playing.

God seems to be giving me a "teaching moment" lately.  Something along the lines of waiting.  If you know me, you know I'm not good with "change" nor am I good at being "patient".  In fact, I get somewhat of an anxious heart when plans go awry.

As a child, I seemed to dream my life away per sey.  I was a dancer and planned to become professional, I wanted to get married, buy a home in the country, have children and enjoy life.  I was a bit more anal than I'm sharing right now as I literally had dates and times. 

I remember my grandmother sitting me down one night and sharing that she was worried about me.  She said, "Becky, you are planning your life away.  I'm worried that your setting yourself up for failure. If things don't happen as you plan them, you become disappointed".  Oh how I miss my grandma!  She was SO wise and yet with the wisdom, I just pushed it aside and carried on with "my own plans".

Later, I found out I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  I started gaining alot of weight in a VERY short amount of time and soon lost what would have been a great professional career had I not gained so much.  I became depressed when more and more weight came on.  When I couldn't find a date let alone someone I'd marry, I fell deeper and deeper in depression. 

One day, after accepting Christ into my life.  I started finding joy again.  I met some friends in college and one in paticular who became my husband.  Doug was like no other man I had met before.  He was a Christian man, a GOOD man who I now know was hand-picked to be the man I'd fall inlove with and marry.  Little did I know that this man that God hand-picked, would jump behind me at the hospital and help me deliver my baby at 22weeks gestation from an accident a month prior that no medical staff caught in time.

In the end, the baby we'd waited 8 years for, passed away 25 minutes later.  Yet again, another hope and dream demolished.

I don't blame God for any of this.  In fact, HE is what kept it all together.  You see, aside from the accident that took our son, "I" was my own worst enemy.  My need to plan and FIX things so they'd come out the way "I" wanted them to was making a mess out of Gods plan over our lives.  Yes, God still did what He planned, but sometimes I took the blessing out of it all because I wanted to control it myself.

Right now we're going through fertility treatment and all I want to do is control  the outcome.  OH how I wish "I" could tell the Dr.'s what and how to do their jobs.  In this process, I've become more and more aware that God knows what He's doing and will follow through with it.  I also am aware that out of all the heartache I had from prior medical staff, God blessed me with a whole new medical staff that knows who I am when I walk through the door, talks with me, listens to me and has a handle on everything.  The rest is up to God.

Which brings me to this video and the other teaching moment:  Certain things trigger my sadness in the loss I feel for our son Jackson Jeffrey.  It's not women who announce their pregnancies.....that is, as long as they don't take them for granted.  It's usually women who have infants and toddlers or even teenagers who are being abused by the mouths or the hands of their parents.

Today I was pretty upset to find that a local unknown woman gave birth to her baby and threw it in the trash.  The case is still being investigated and we still don't know if the baby was alive or dead upon being thrown in the dumpster, however there are laws protecting babies that will allow mothers to turn their children over to hospitals anonymously and there are programs that will give free medical care and prenatal vitamins to those who are pregnant. I also know of a slew of adoption agencies that would have helped this woman. I can think of one in paticular.

In my opinion there is no excuse for something like this to happen.  My heart aches because while some women take for granted the lives they conceive, there are MANY like myself who long to bare a child or even hold a child through adoption in their arms.

God knows my heart and also knows I have a hard time grasping this.  I came across another Steven Curtis Chapman song that blessed my heart.  Again, it's the second song this week that speaks of "waiting".  Only this time instead of waiting for a child here on earth, waiting to also be with our children who are in heaven.  I needed to hear this today.  That little baby that passed away and was dumped IS in heaven with my son romping around in the garden and listening to Jesus as He tells the story of HOPE.

before I end, I just want to take the time to pray for the mother who abandoned here baby and ask that the Lord speak to her, that she would come to know Him and that He would find a way into her life in Jesus name...AMEN!

I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
  Psalm 40:1