Friday, January 7, 2011

Waiting Patiently...AGAIN.

NOTE: Scroll to the bottom to mute the music already playing.

God seems to be giving me a "teaching moment" lately.  Something along the lines of waiting.  If you know me, you know I'm not good with "change" nor am I good at being "patient".  In fact, I get somewhat of an anxious heart when plans go awry.

As a child, I seemed to dream my life away per sey.  I was a dancer and planned to become professional, I wanted to get married, buy a home in the country, have children and enjoy life.  I was a bit more anal than I'm sharing right now as I literally had dates and times. 

I remember my grandmother sitting me down one night and sharing that she was worried about me.  She said, "Becky, you are planning your life away.  I'm worried that your setting yourself up for failure. If things don't happen as you plan them, you become disappointed".  Oh how I miss my grandma!  She was SO wise and yet with the wisdom, I just pushed it aside and carried on with "my own plans".

Later, I found out I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  I started gaining alot of weight in a VERY short amount of time and soon lost what would have been a great professional career had I not gained so much.  I became depressed when more and more weight came on.  When I couldn't find a date let alone someone I'd marry, I fell deeper and deeper in depression. 

One day, after accepting Christ into my life.  I started finding joy again.  I met some friends in college and one in paticular who became my husband.  Doug was like no other man I had met before.  He was a Christian man, a GOOD man who I now know was hand-picked to be the man I'd fall inlove with and marry.  Little did I know that this man that God hand-picked, would jump behind me at the hospital and help me deliver my baby at 22weeks gestation from an accident a month prior that no medical staff caught in time.

In the end, the baby we'd waited 8 years for, passed away 25 minutes later.  Yet again, another hope and dream demolished.

I don't blame God for any of this.  In fact, HE is what kept it all together.  You see, aside from the accident that took our son, "I" was my own worst enemy.  My need to plan and FIX things so they'd come out the way "I" wanted them to was making a mess out of Gods plan over our lives.  Yes, God still did what He planned, but sometimes I took the blessing out of it all because I wanted to control it myself.

Right now we're going through fertility treatment and all I want to do is control  the outcome.  OH how I wish "I" could tell the Dr.'s what and how to do their jobs.  In this process, I've become more and more aware that God knows what He's doing and will follow through with it.  I also am aware that out of all the heartache I had from prior medical staff, God blessed me with a whole new medical staff that knows who I am when I walk through the door, talks with me, listens to me and has a handle on everything.  The rest is up to God.

Which brings me to this video and the other teaching moment:  Certain things trigger my sadness in the loss I feel for our son Jackson Jeffrey.  It's not women who announce their pregnancies.....that is, as long as they don't take them for granted.  It's usually women who have infants and toddlers or even teenagers who are being abused by the mouths or the hands of their parents.

Today I was pretty upset to find that a local unknown woman gave birth to her baby and threw it in the trash.  The case is still being investigated and we still don't know if the baby was alive or dead upon being thrown in the dumpster, however there are laws protecting babies that will allow mothers to turn their children over to hospitals anonymously and there are programs that will give free medical care and prenatal vitamins to those who are pregnant. I also know of a slew of adoption agencies that would have helped this woman. I can think of one in paticular.

In my opinion there is no excuse for something like this to happen.  My heart aches because while some women take for granted the lives they conceive, there are MANY like myself who long to bare a child or even hold a child through adoption in their arms.

God knows my heart and also knows I have a hard time grasping this.  I came across another Steven Curtis Chapman song that blessed my heart.  Again, it's the second song this week that speaks of "waiting".  Only this time instead of waiting for a child here on earth, waiting to also be with our children who are in heaven.  I needed to hear this today.  That little baby that passed away and was dumped IS in heaven with my son romping around in the garden and listening to Jesus as He tells the story of HOPE.

before I end, I just want to take the time to pray for the mother who abandoned here baby and ask that the Lord speak to her, that she would come to know Him and that He would find a way into her life in Jesus name...AMEN!

I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.
  Psalm 40:1


Treasures Evermore said...

Hi Rebekah...haven't read your post yet...about to do that. I wanted to say that you do not have a "followers" on your nowhere for folks to add you, so when you post they can come back.

Does that make sense....I have no way of adding you like you added me with the followers button.

That might help. But I have been on blogger a while and only a handful of followers. The easiest thing is to check out other blogs and always leave a comment. Patti has lots of followers coming along...just click on one of those that might interest you and they usually will answer and comment back.

Hope that helps...will read your post and comment again:-)

Treasures Evermore said...

Oh my goodness what an incredible post friend. I am so very sorry again, for the loss of Jackson. You have spoken deeply to my own spirit...thank you for that.

I know that are thousands of women who would so love to hold that little baby...why do girls/woman feel the need to do this...such desperation? I have no idea.


Treasures Evermore said...

Hi Rebekah:

Yes, your follwer button should be right near the top...maybe that can be brought up higher.

So glad to have found you again..

Angela said...

Hi Rebekah,

Just a note to say I've been thinking about you this week as I've seen your posts on 35+. Hugs and prayers, my friend! I know the waiting can be SO hard and it is hard for us not to run ahead of God and try to make things happen on our own; I've been struggling this week with some things going on with my Dad's situation and trying to be patient and wait on God. You WILL get to hold your child in your arms and I KNOW God has plan for you guys to have many children; you will be such wonderful parents! I hope you have a better week this week!

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