Monday, October 22, 2012

Lost In A Sea Of Bitterness

The anniversary of our sons birth and death has come again.  Jackson would be 3 today.  I have been having the hardest time this year during the month of October.  A week ago I started the whole thought process of how we were celebrating Jackson's life and home-going.  It is and forever will be a bitter-sweet day for me.  I thought the day would go like every other year but for some reason I've hit this block in the road.

I'm wondering if it has something to do with watching Amelia grow.  She has since turned one last month and I can't tell you how fun and exciting it is to be her mother.  I often think of how she and her brother would be as siblings.  Then I quickly turn to a different subject.

When I enjoy the gift of raising Amelia, I can't help but think of missing out on the joy of raising Jackson also.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again...he IS in the garden with Jesus. His life is so much fuller than ours here on earth. I know where he is, I know that he is safe, and I know that we will see him again someday soon.

While I am thankful to God for knowing our son 25 minutes longer than most who lose their children earlier, I find myself going back to the old thought processes of blaming those who could have saved him with earlier intervention had they not sent me home that night.

THIS thought process my friends, will only lead to bitterness and anger. Of which I'm finding myself with lately.  I blame myself, I blame the medical staff, and I sometimes hate myself for not fighting more for the treatment we SHOULD have had that night before the main Dr. called us in that morning to intervene. More and more I go back to that day when we met with the board of directors at the hospital.  I go back to why we never sued in the first place (because we wanted to change policies). Moreover I go over the experiences I had after birthing Amelia and while I fought non-stop every step of the way to advocate for her and I.  I didn't see any difference in policies.

During this month I look back and it makes me feel bitter. As if I lost him and had nothing good come from it. God knows I DID. Had I not done research, had HE not led me to a website for Incompetent Cervix...I would not have Amelia today. Had I not fought for monitoring, went for a second opinion EVEN when the medical staff said I DIDN"T have IC but found out almost the same time that I in fact DID have it.....Amelia wouldn't be here.  Something good DID come out of it.

Then why do I feel so sad?  Why can't I just let this go and be content with what has happened?  Why do I keep bringing up something that won't help in the healing process?  Lastly, why is it taking so long for me to heal?!

I hold my little girl and God has blessed us with such a spirited little girl!  Not only is she spirited but she snuggles like a kuala bear and we can't go ANYWHERE without someone stopping us because "she's smiling" at them. lol  She's a gift to us, but a blessing to others. God KNEW!  He just knew.

For all the pain and grief and bitterness my heart holds.  I also have a deep love, and a thankful heart for this little girl that God blessed me with.  He didn't have to do it.  He answered my prayer and He is showing me minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day that to spite my sinful anger and bitterness...He STILL loves me.

Dear Lord, deliver me from sin and replace it with the "fruit of the spirit". Holy Spirit Reign down on me and fill my cup overflowing.  Bless my friends and family. Let them know thy love and presence.  take away our burdens Lord and lift our spirits through Your mighty hands. In Jesus name I pray...AMEN!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Gods Unfailing Love On Mother's Day

Broken Hearts.  The thing about a broken heart is knowing it's slow to heal.  In many cases, the pain almost NEVER goes away. It's still there, just resides within somewhere. I like to say in the pit of my stomach.  Each new day brings on new healing, wisdom, newfound strength or a love you almost never knew existed.

Today is Mother's Day. A day I'm most grateful for 1. Having the opportunity to conceive not one child but now two.   2. Knowing our son Jackson is with his Heavenly Father if he cannot be with us.  3. Getting the chance to know and bond with both our children.  4. Having an AMAZING husband who has been patient, kind and loving not to mention extremely supportive.

I could honestly go on and on.

The moral of this story is that while I'm celebrating Motherhood. I am yet celebrating Life AND Death. The opportunity to mother our beautiful daughter while also allowing myself to grieve the passing of a big brother Amelia will never have the opportunity to know until she goes home one day to be with the Lord. A son with whom I cherish and think about very often.

No, the pain will NEVER go away, but it does get easier to move forward knowing that one day I too will be home with the Lord and be able to meet my son again. I bask in the joy and delight of the gift that was given to me if only for a short time.

If our new "baby bear" is who you'd like to hear more about, please see my other blog, Sunshine & Lollipops which is specifically dedicated to our lives as a new family. I plan to keep this one as a means of ministry and hope for those women whom like me, wonder if there's hope beyond the pain. My answer is YES!

    For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love."
    Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32

Friday, January 20, 2012

What A Woman Needs To Know

Circle And Bloom is having a giveaway!

  In return of sharing your insights on Women's Health and Wellness on such subjects as PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Infertility, or other issues pertaining to women's health the winner will get a 150.00 American Express card.

Here is my topic:

  • What I wish I knew-  Prior to a LONG history of Infertility and a preterm loss in 2009, I wish I knew I had to advocate for my own medical care and seek God and HIS answers instead of relying on just the guess-work of only 1 practitioner.
  • What I wish I did- In hindsight, I wish as a young twenty-something that I had been encouraged to seek a second opinion on my fertility diagnosis.  Had I gotten a second opinion, took the initiative to be my own advocate by reading and understanding my rights as a patient  I wouldn't have given up trying to have a baby because I was told it couldn't happen only to learn 8 years later that we were indeed pregnant.
  • I am grateful I knew- Enough after the loss of our son preterm, to get records and educate myself on the events leading up to our loss.  I diagnosed myself with an incompetent cervix while fighting for a stitch for my second child.  I fought for that stitch until they decided they knew for sure it was in fact IC up until week 19. If I didn't encourage them to monitor me weekly, our beautiful daughter would have passed away at week 22 like our dear boy did.  You know your bodies ladies!  If something seems wrong, educate yourself and fight for the medical care and bedside manner as a consumer. While Dr.'s are well educated, they sometimes lack the knowledge of how we know our own bodies.
  • I am grateful I did- fight for the stitch. Had I not, our daughter wouldn't be here today.
  • I would want others to know-The symptoms of an Incompetent Cervix and other issues pertaining to preterm losses.  Please see my resources HERE.  To hear our testimony of how this blog came about please check out the Introduction Page.
Finally, please think about coming back to this page soon and helping me with Jackson's Hope Charity Chain.  My hope is to get started on a project soon which will be distributed to a children's hospital for sick children come July. I chose July for a very special reason which will be shared once the project is up and running. Please become my friend won't you?