Monday, December 27, 2010

A New Sewing Machine Is Coming

I'm really excited.  A few weeks back we put a layway on a new sewing machine.  My straight stich finally broke.  It wasn't my favorite machine either, it had a side bobbin and kept getting stuck.  I thought I'd try it out again.  Well, it worked for awhile and then all went haywire and it started eating my material.  So off to the singer guy to fix and I'll be using it for womens' sewing projects at church. 

The picture above is one of my new machine. It's a Kenmore, but I'm told it's actually made by the Janome company.  I just couldn't afford a real expensive quilters machine so I chose this one because of it's ratings by quilters.  It has enough quilting stitches that I think it will be JUST fine for what I need.

My husband was talking to a 90 year old quilter who was his patient several months back and she said all she ever used was her singer straight stitch and she's made hundreds of quilts with it.  It's given me confidence that what I purchased is just enough for what I actually need and is within our budget.  Thank You to my husband for such a lovely gift which I should have by February.

I'm excited about new projects I have to accomplish.  Now if I can get a new camera I can actually show them to you.  Everthing in moderation, so please be patient with me when it comes to pictures.

Love to you all and Happy New Year!

Friday, December 24, 2010

The Promise Of Tomorrow

Tomorrow is Christmas, and for many who are grieving the loss of a loved one, it's a very trying and sad day. I'm sure there are several who don't celebrate because it's much too painful.

In our own grief I have come to a new conclusion.  I've heard it said that for those who believe in Jesus Christ,
"to be absent from the body is to be present with the Lord" 2 Corinthians 5:8.

If you look in a concordance, to be absent from the body means to immigrate. To be present with the Lord means to be in ones HOMELAND.

Those who have passed on are at HOME.  This place here on earth is temporary and is NOT our real home.  What that means is that we are not walking AWAY from our loved ones but are moving forward to our Homeland. Our loved ones aren't behind us, their in our future!

Sure there is sadness in death of loved ones.  THEY leave US behind.  It is their time and sadly we grieve the hopes and dreams we had for them and with them.  In our own fleshy mind it's all over and the thought of that is all too much to bare.

Lets take a look at the HOPE though, of Christmas.  You see, Christmas isn't about the hubub of black friday, finding the deals, opening gifts or even the baking and preparing of meals.  As much as I LOVE gathering with our families, it's not even about that. 

We celebrate Christmas because the birth of a child, Jesus Christ, came into the world not just as a boy but as a SAVIOR.  We learn later that Jesus ministers to His followers and shares the Good News which is that through His birth, death, resurrection and ascention into heaven WE as believers will make it to Heaven. 

In the beginning of the fall of man when Adam and Eve took of the "tree of life" and committed us all to life on earth as sinners, mankind had to bring an offering. The sacrificing of a lamb so to sey.  To understand the gift, we must know that Jesus stood as replacement for mankind as the living sacrificial lamb for the sins and mistakes of the world.  By doing that, he bridged the gap between heaven and hell and thus God gave us the means if we believe in Christ's life, death, resurrection and ascention into heaven...that we will be able to live in Heaven eternally forever with Him.

With that said, when our loved ones pass they DON'T become angels as we would like to think.  Our loved ones are STILL the same spirit they were only their earthly bodies are here waiting for the coming of Jesus Christ in order to gain their new perfect form again.  I see my son as running in the garden with Jesus. He is the first in our family to be sitting with the likes of the disciples learning first hand Bible Stories while sitting at the foot of Jesus.  My son Jackson awaits OUR return.

In the meantime, God has a plan for our lives. To move forward and to live out our own purpose here on earth where I hope that I may be a light in the lives of others.

You see, because of the birth of Jesus Christ whom we celebrate tomorrow, we have ETERNAL LIFE and will one day see our loved ones as we bask in the joy of our Lord. There will be no more tears, there will be no more pain, there will be no more sickness or violence.  You'll find peace, joy , love and so much more.

I've learned that death is NOT something to be afraid of anymore because there is SO MUCH BEAUTY where we will be going.  There, God has a mansion with many rooms so that those who believe in Him will NOT parish but have eternal life.

If you know Him, be CONFIDENT that there is life beyond the "valleys" and "mountains" you climb. There is greater meaning and a new hope of life everlasting.

If you don't know Christ, please consider getting to know Him. 

Confess with your mouth that you sin and make mistakes.  Ask Jesus to come into your heart and transform you.  Then let Him know that you believe in His birth, the suffering He went through for your sins and the sins of others, that you believe He died and rose again to fullfill the promise written in the scriptures and lives today...but lives in YOU and your heart.  By doing this, you're assured a place in Heaven with those you love and find comfort in knowing your home here is temporary but will lead to something much much greater in Heaven. Let God guide your footsteps and show you your purpose here on earth as He molds you and gives you a testimony to share with the world, the Love of Jesus Christ.

I pray you find peace today, that you know the Love of Christ and may walk with Him forever In Jesus name...AMEN!
Merry Christmas!
"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life". John 3:16

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

My Hearts Desire

As I sit here watching another year of "A Home For The Holidays" I sit here in tears waiting for the children I've been praying for almost 10 years.  I am so excited for Gods great plan as we hope for another pregnancy and long for the adoptions we have so long awaited.  You see, my children won't just be born of my body but have LONG since been born in my heart.

I've been praying for the birth moms of our children, knowing that somehow they will have to endure pain so that we will one day have our family all together.  It breaks my heart, but I am grateful to her.  I'm grateful that our children will be a part of our home and our hearts forever.  I also pray each day that the birth mother will know that God loves her and treasures her and that we promise we will take care of her children even while she can't.  It's a bitter sweet moment and my heart is filled with so many emotions.  I pray that wherever my kids are right now, that God watches over them and keeps them safe.  That He would keep them close to Him and that they would know mommy is waiting patiently.

I also continue to long for a healthy pregnancy.  An experience that while I didn't have because of an accidental series of events, I hope for in the future. 

Whichever path God chooses first, I'll be absolutely happy with.  In the meantime, I sit her and wait.  I pray for mountains to be moved, for resources to knock on our doors and windows and to use this life as a testimony to Gods great plan.

Sunday, December 19, 2010


So how do you like the new diggs?! I still have a few things to do, but for the most part it's ready.

Take a moment to read the "introduction" that can be found at the tab on top.  You'll find out how the creation of this blog came about in my head over a year ago.

This blog of course wouldn't be, if it weren't for two very kind KEY individuals.

  1. Leah from Cutesie Blog Designs who was kind enough to put together my ideas into a design and
  2. Lorie from Lorie's Noggin Blog for all these cute graphics you see.
These two women are the heart of my blogging design and for whom without, my ideas would have never happened. If your interested in a BEAUTIFUL new blog design or AWESOME graphics please take a look at their sites for more information.

You see, to just anyone, the Title Page looks like a regular graphic page.  To me, there is symbolism if you can just catch it, but to find it, you must know ME!

Through Lories gifted talent of combining her creative imagination to create a magical graphic masterpiece I was able to bring my dream blog to fruition.

With Leahs expertise in taking my ideas and the graphics, she was able to put them altogether and create EXACTLY what I wanted.

I have never met either woman, but am grateful to both who are such kind-hearted spirits in working with me to give me a great new place to jot down my thoughts.

Now I'll explain the meaning of the graphics.  I LOVE sheep and goats and chickens.  Anyone who knows me, knows I love them and  that I hope to have a small homestead one day to raise livestock and hopefully one day a houseload of children.

There is a mommy and daddy in the front having tea (another one of my favorite pastimes).  If there's one thing I love it's hosting a gathering with tea and coffee in hand.  It blesses my spirit to know that my house is alive with good conversation and plenty of food and tea/coffee to go around.

To the left of the screen you'll find a fence which represents the meanding of my broken heart and spirit.  Just under the arbor you'll find the little boy.  Notice he's not standing with mommy and daddy?  You'll notice just in the air are butterflys which are symbols of preterm losses.  That little boy represents our Jackson Jeffrey who while is with us in spirit, is no longer with us here on earth.  He's standing AWAY from us but each day we move forward, there's not one moment we don't think of him in some way.

In the back you'll find the house.  I am reminded of a home I once stayed at in Scarborough, North Yorkshire England. I miss it terribly and hope one day we'll get to visit again! 

To the side of the door you'll find two empty seats which represent the children we have so long waited for.  Those chairs represent the HOPE of a child/ren.

Don't forget the hearts in the windows.  I think we all know my heart has been broken, but with time God heals all wounds!

The backdrop is fall as are the pumpkins.  They represent October when Jackson Jeffrey was born and the season of which he passed away.  Fall is also our favorite season of the year so it makes sense that we represent the fall season.

For the page divider you'll see "you'll always be in my heart" with a lock and key as well as timeclock.  Obviousely many of you can guess the meaning in it.

Without Lories beautiful creativity and without Leah's persistance and artistry to put all this together and make it look good, I don't believe anyone would understand the meaning behind my idea's for Broken Heart, Mended Fences.

Thank You Leah for the time you put into this project and thank you Lorie for sharing your artistry with the world.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Jackson Jeffrey's Butterfly Release

I wanted to share this with everyone.

In the midst of all the pain, I have found MANY women who've lost children. While sad, it's become a community of loving women and some men too, who've wanted to make a difference in the lives of those who've had rainbow babies or miscarriages etc. One such woman is the person who raises butterflies and releases them in memory of grieving parents everywhere. What a blessing it is to see a male Monarch released in memory of our son's LIFE.
Praise be to God!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Still Healing

It's been about 7 months and my heart still cries out for my son. Oh, it's better than it used to be. Hours of not sleeping and screaming out for my baby in the am's or the first time making love to my husband only to uncontrollably be crying. I wonder what he must have felt during those moments?!

There are still moments that trigger tears. A woman walking out the door as she slams her kid in a door and says the f-word without knowing what a blessing she has, seeing children born on or about the time Jackson was. The emptyness I feel when someone walks by me with a stroller. Quiet moments when all I do is stare at Jackson's picture and wonder what he's doing with Jesus, then as I ask our Lord and Savior to kindly share with my son that I love him, miss him and to please kiss him for mommy.

Life goes on YES. I'm sure the years will pass. But not a day or moment will go by that I don't think about my precious son in heaven.

Sometimes you'll find me in the cemetary just quietly walking around. I have comfort that there is much history in our cemetary and sadly many MANY women lost their children young. Like today, there are many who have lost more than one child and I just cannot imagine it.

Some may say I'm being too graphic with my post. I write because I share with others like me. Those who bore a child and wonder what to feel or how they'll move on. Making love to your spouse is a natural thing and sadly it's something that can cause much emotion after a premature loss. I'm sure we could take it a bit further to say any loss is a great loss.

The good thing in all this, is that while my heart still aches, my spirit knows I must move on. It's bitter-sweet that we move forward to try again knowing that my dear boy isn't with us. When people ask me if I have children I say yes. We have a dear angel baby waiting for us with Jesus. I don't mean a REAL angel of course. I won't get into that talk....but our son is very much himself and very much in heaven enjoying himself and honestly what I could give him here, well, there's no comparison.

I'm still working on his memorial quilt and can't wait to finish it so I can show you. Sadly It may not get finished until wintertime because our landlord foreclosed on all his properties and we have to be out by the end of June. Which leaves us packing YET AGAIN.

We had planned to start looking for a home of our own again in July. But with the time crunch, it's just not wise to buy in desperation and anything we rent now most likely will need a lease. So again we wait until another year to buy. I know God's timing is good so maybe there's a home out there He wants us to wait on. I'm at peace, I just long for stability and can't wait to have a home of our own where we're not paying over the top for our dogs or rent and where we won't have to be concerned when ppl foreclose.

Please keep us in prayer with this matter because he has refused to give us our 1195.00 deposit back and has even gone as far to say he'll file bankruptcy if any of his tenants file suit.We plan to file small claims court and may join a joint suit but are still praying on it.

We still have part of Jackson's stone to pay for and a small amount left on the second plot to place the stone we had hoped to have in by the end of this month.

I have no idea where we're moving, how we'll deal with the finances or anything else for that matter. I am tired, spent and emotional. I DO love God though, and I know He has everything covered. I just have a hard time grasping with my fleshy mind, how it will all come together.

I miss my Jackson. As we pack, I stare at the boxes filled with boys clothes and nursery items. Then there's his memorial board with our picture and comments from everyone who left kind thoughts for us.
I cry for my boy, but I smile thinking one day I'll see him again. He's in our future not our past, and it's refreshing to know it's not the end.

Blessings Dear Friends!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Why This Mom Of A Preterm Baby WON'T support march of dimes.

While they have "some" good intentions, their politically "in bed" and have an agenda and it's NOT to help those of us in the community who've lost their children through miscarriage and preterm birth.  Take a look at the email they just sent out:

"Women and Children Need Health Reform -- Act NowTake Action!

It's all over the news -- Congress is preparing to consider a final health care reform bill for the President's signature.  The bill is not perfect, but it does offer the chance to improve the health of and address the needs of women, infants, and children.

We need you to tell your Representative. Specifically ask him or her to vote "yes" on health reform because it will:
-insurers from denying coverage based on a pre-existing condition (such as a pregnancy or a birth defecit) and from imposing annual or lifetime limits on coverage.

-Require insurers to cover maternity care and pediatric benefits, including preventive services and treatments.

-Add smoking cessation counseling and pharmaceuticals for pregnant women to Medicaid in every state.
-Allow states to expand Medicaid family planning coverage (In other words ABORTIONS)- including preconception and interconception care -- without having to get a federal waiver.

You can make a difference in the lives of nearly 9 million uninsured children and more than 12 million uninsured women of childbearing age, many of whom would be eligible for coverage under health reform.  They need the improvements health reform can offer now. Speak up for them today by contacting your Representative."

Ladies and Gentlemen, not only will these actions RAISE the cost of Insurance for us all, March Of Dimes WANTS to use YOUR funds to help abort children! March Of Dimes says they use their funds for research on preterm births, however much of their research goes to stem-cell research on unborn children and to those they're politically in bed with who perform obortions.

 If that's not a slap in the face to those of us who've given birth to REAL babies preterm, I don't know what is.  We as a community should be mad about this! There should be an outcry in the streets about their practices and protests during the walks to raise more money for their "research" on unborn babies. 

Many of us either HAVE children in one way or another.  Some who've lost children or like myself have tried and tried and tried with many an obstacle.  Why the heck would we WANT to even PAY for someone to abort a child with OUR hard-earned money?! 

No, I walk for many charities and give my services to many but March of Dimes won't get a DIME from me!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Making A Difference Through The Pain

 This has been such a process. Grieving.  Those of you who've lost a loved one can certainely understand. Watching a child as he or she passes to heaven is just unthinkable.

I'm finding more and more that I'm able to BREATHE again. To know the hope we have through Jesus Christ that Doug and I will see our son again.  We'll reach heaven's gates, run for him, hold him in our arms and walk towards the Lord as we sit at His feet and hear His stories. As we glorify Him and maybe even learn the answers to those questions we have had here on earth.

We have an appointment with the hosptial soon.  We were asked if we'd feel comfortable sharing our experience with the Board Of Directors. Of course I said, YES! This is what I said I wanted to do since the day Jackson Jeffrey took his last breath.  I knew I couldn't do it right away.  But I knew I wanted to do this with hope that other parents would benefit from our great loss and disappointing experiences.

My desire is to take this to other hospitals in the state, maybe research hospitals here that don't have labor and delivery units and aren't even equipped to handle emergency cases and somehow help them as the woman from NJ did for the hospitals in her state.  Maybe we as grieving parents can ban together to make sure these procedures are brought to every hospital nationally. Not through nationalized healthcare...but somehow the hands of those who've been there have seemed to "just do it" and have seen the need and jumped in to change.  Continuing to be angry won't bring our children back.  What we CAN do is honor their memory by making a difference.

As I ask the Lord to help me put to words what we've experienced, I find a sense of healing. Over the last couple of months I've learned to knit and am working on a long term project in memory of our son.

I'm also hoping to move my blog (DONE), somehow get finances together for the graphics I know I want and create a charity site in Jackson Jeffrey's honor to help not just grieving families, but I may take it a step further eventually.  Right now I'm getting my ideas together and hope this will be a long-term project to share our sons memory even in his short life.

You see, even though he spent 25 short minutes with us in our arms, he was still a life.  He still changed our lives forever and Praise God, will share hope and love with those in need even beyond his litte life here on earth.

I am SO proud of my son.

Thank you God for our little guy. Thank you for your unconditional love for us, your peace, your strength and providing even when I doubted you. Thank you for our friends and family, for those who have given of themselves to help us heal and thank you for the hope and future we have in You Lord Jesus. I pray that You would continue to do a good work in us and that we may think of others before ourselves. Especially me Lord. Oh how I fall short sometimes.  But I am so grateful for Jesus. Thank You!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Celebrating Our Son

Today is my due date.  The day Doug and I had dreamed for quite some time.  Instead of dwelling on the crushed hopes and dreams we had for Jackson Jeffrey, I decided I wanted to celebrate something.  I didn’t just want this day to go by.  However, I also know that even though he’s not right here….there IS something to celebrate.  The fact that one day Doug and I will be reunited with Jackson in heaven and be able to share our love for our Lord together. 

In honor of our dear boy, I had Mrs. Fields make a cake with angel’s wings. It came out beautiful!  Then We had a few balloons made and I added Jackson’s name, REAL birthdate and if found, our address.  Then we let the balloons sore into the sky.  It was a beautiful site.

One Red- To celebrate our unending love and Gods unending love for US

One White-representing Jackson’s trip heaven-bound

A Gold –representing Doug, Bright Green for Mommy (me) and baby blue for our darling boy. Which we tied together and sent up to represent our eternal bond thanks to Jesus Christ.

It was a bitter-sweet moment for Doug and I.  To let go of our hopes and dreams for Jackson here on earth, but to have also found  a sense of peace because through our Hope in Christ we WILL see our son again.  He IS alive.  He’s just in Heaven.

A Call From The Hospital On Our Due Date

So today, on what would have been Jackson Jeffrey's due date, I finally got a call from Crouse Hospital.

It seems that there was miscommunication between a couple of people and I  was missed.  I sat for just about an hour chatting with the Director Of Guest Services about things that needed to be changed concerning bureaving parents.  I let her know I wanted to help and would volunteer in any way.

I was floored when she mentioned our experience moved her in such a way that she wanted to make sure no other parent had to go through some of the things we went through. I now have an appointment with not only the Director Of Guest Services, but will be presenting our experience to The director of Chief Quality, The Director of Nursing, The Director of Billing, And a couple more I cannot remember.

I just about fainted!  I didn't think I'd get past customer service...but my story has already begun to bring faces and names to those in positions to make a CHANGE.  This has been my hope since the death of our son. That NO OTHER bereaving parent would have to go through what we have.  To change policies, bring communication and bring some compassion to a tragic event.

Believe it or not, having spoken with other bureaving famlies, our local Syracuse hospitals, while they need work in certain areas, have MUCH more than many smaller hospitals.  I've met a dear family who because the hospital wasn't equipped with neonatal care nor any labor and delivery units or Dr.'s, she and her husband were thrown in a utility closet to deliver preterm.  They had no camera's for pictures of their little baby, no blankets, no little hats, no fetal monitors, no way to tell when her childs heartbeat stopped.

This shouldn't happen in our hospitals here in America!  I know there are funding issues, but even this family took it upon themselves to create boxes filled with paper, ink for the infants feet, a box for the bureaving families as well as information for each hospital.  21 hospitals in her state of New Jersey.

I would like to take this Nationally to be sure no bureaving parent has to go through anymore than they must.  Right now I'm starting slow....and over time I have many ideas to honor our son's memory by helping others.  But never did I expect that we would be meeting with so many Directors in the same room.  To actually be a part of REAL CHANGE so that no other family endures what we have. 

It's a step in the right direction when a hospital cares about the quality of their care enough to meet and work together to create real change for their patients.  Especially the little ones who we advocate for.

I did fine until I hung up.  Tears fell as I whiped them away and prayed that little ol' me and my dear husband could make an impact on someone's life.  I'm really not anybody special.  I just don't want to leave this world having never helped to impact anothers life or bless someone and let them know we care.

What a final blessing of the day to get this phone call. I pray I can represent other families and the children we advocate for and that I come across with grace and intelligence.

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

9 Years Ago...

I married my best friend.  Those days, Love was young and had no bounderies.  It was falling inlove with my friend and living happily ever after.

Pastor mentioned in our counseling session in the early days that Money and Selfishness can come between a marriage. At the time, what young kid thinks about that stuff when the strong feeling of LOVE overcomes you?

Today is much different.  I love my husband, but my perspective is MUCH, MUCH different than in the days of running free on emotions and fun, care-free dates.

As you get married, you start to find out that after the honeymoon phase, men think differently than women.  We are wired differently and have a need to feel safe financially, physically and emotionally and of course, most men have that need to provide for their families and the great need to be respected by their wives and children.

Later we run into LIFE.  Which doesn't turn out anything like the fairytale we as girls dream it would be.  What happened to wallowing in full happiness?  How is it that we are just managing to make ends meet?  This was us during my husbands college years.  He was going to college, interning and working full time.  It was THEN we decided that my prayer of being a homemaker would come to fruition before we had even planned.  I dropped my job at the time which made more during his school days, and I went home to provide my husband with homecooked meals, clean clothes, and someone to come home to on days that were stressful and chaotic. (there were lots of those at that time).  BUT we also knew that coming home, meant that we'd have to give up a WHOLE LOT.  We learned to live on his slightly above minimum wage job. I cut coupons, wrote manufacterers, found programs like Angelfoodministries, and cut costs in every imaginable place.

Those moments while some of the best, were FILLED with hills to climb because we gave up MONEY to be a family...or in our case a married couple.  One who were together when the other one was gone most hours in the day.

It was something we hadn't planned until we had children of our own, but in Gods own way, it became apparent that this was the right thing for us to do.

Then later, as we started getting used to things we moved BACK to Central NY where we're getting used to the higher cost of living once again and the taxes for everything under the son.
In the time we've been married, we've gone through financial destitution, to chaos of a HUGE school load, graduation, moving a million times, moving in with family and friends(which I will tell ya almost NEVER works), and most recently the loss of our infant child, our hopes and dreams went with him as did our heart.

As I began to reflect on our marriage...while there are many HAPPY moments, I recall those fairtale stories we see in the movies and thought how sad it is that most relationships and marriages are based on these unrealistic idea of what a marriage should be.

I think to myself, I don't want a marriage filled with a whole lot of happy moments.  I mean sure, who wouldn't want a life without trial? But If I think about it a bit closer I notice that  without those hills and mountains to climb how do you know the strength of your marriage?  How do you become who YOU are and not only find patience and strength, but through those things "lack in nothing" says God, without them? 

It's no surprise that we've had a rough year this past year.  As I fell to tears the other day wondering when things would change, praying for mercy and strength and hoping for someone to give me a guarantee, My husband not only grabbed my hand and prayed with me but shared the following with me:

February 9th 2001, I took your hand and married you. The woman I love.
During the times of financial struggle, I was there for you.
When we weren't sure how we would make it I held your hand.
When your grandmother passed away and you missed talking to her by an hour.  I held you and cryed with you.

When we walked through the parks, enjoyed our dear fosterdaughters as they played outside, when we laugh with the dogs each day or when you go crazy at the fair because there are sheep and goats....I hold your hand, laugh with you and smile.

When we weren't sure how we'd get through living with family and friends for the summer, when we didn't find the home we thought we'd buy, I held you close and reminded you that I love you and that God loves you.
When we found peace on our weekend trip to the Daks, when we found out that God blessed us with a child this summer and when we laughed as we picked our baby clothes and names.  I not only laughed with you, but loved you even more.
Finally, when we found out that you were dialating and we couldn't stop the inevitable, I jumped behind you, encouraged you and helped you bring our son into the world. When he was born, I smiled, As I cut the cord even when I knew he would die, I held our son with you kissed you both and with a tear in my eye, I helped you give our son Jackson's spirit unto the Lord.


No marriage is perfect.  But it is this year that I have been blessed to know that my friend I married so long ago, my husband.  I love him more and more with each new day.

God hand-picked us to be each others helpmeet. Through good times and through dark times. He knew there was no one else who could fit those shoes.  Nobody who could endure what we have endured together not just with our sons death, or the financial woes, moving strains, strains on relations but also with health issues. 

You see, while I strive to be that model wife and now mommy of a son in heaven, I fall short quite frequently.  More and more with age I'm learning it's OK to be different. NOT to fit the model.  I am quite expressive, my husband more analytical. I've never tried to be someone I'm not and looking back over the past 9 years.  Without these trials, without suffering...I'd never know who "I" was meant to be.  More importantly, in a marriage, how do you know how strong your marriage is when you only have the safety of happiness which is only a state of mind.  JOY is an "Attitude" of the heart, where happiness is a temporary emotion.

In conclusion, Today I celebrate my 9 year anniversary with the man I most-heartedly love.  His words of wisdom, his prayers at night, his laughs, his love unconditional, the way he loves Jesus and most importantly the way he forgives me in times I am not the Proverbs 31 Woman that says "her husband and family call themselves blessed".

God knew my heart, He knows my strengths and weaknesses and fit me perfectly with my husband.  I am his helpmeet, his wife.  The roll I play is special and I love it.

As my husband Continues to be the man God made him to be, I too continue to pray for strength, mercy, FAITH,  LOTS of love, to be kind, to listen, respect and honor the man I married 9 years ago.
 "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31

With God as our center, who can come against such strength?!

My husband finished by saying that in life, there are joys and there are trials.  There will be times when a couple argues. There are sad times and there are times when we find that we disappoint ...but what we always find is that NO MATTER WHAT, by the grace and love of God we ALWAYS come back to each other.  We support each other through.

Thursday, February 4, 2010

Climbing a HUGE Barrier One Step At A Time.

Today I called the hospital and spoke with the CEO's executive secretary Wendy. I did this to get the ball rolling on a promise I made when we watched our son go home to be with Jesus.

This is a HUGE emotional and spiritual obsticle for me as there have been MANY a hill to climb since October and the fact that I haven't much trust for Dr.s these days.  My heart longs to set things straight so that no other grieving parent ever has to endure what we have.

The past few months I've gone from a deep depression, to blaming myself, blaming others, anger, RAGE, and now while my heart still cries out for our son Jackson, my heart and spirit are finally able to do what my mind has told me needs to happen in order to move forward.

This is THE hardest part of the whole ordeal because I DON'T WANT to move forward without my baby! I don't want to leave my hopes and dreams for him behind. The fact that I would be holding him soon, playing with him as a toddler, watching him grow to be a man and cry at his wedding as he takes a vow to love, honor and charish his wife before God.

Truth is, Jackson is LIVING in heaven. So it's time to LIVE here on earth and find joy here on earth even in trials.

So as I held the phone close, shaking. Wondering what in the world I would say. Trying to keep myself calm and focused. I found the person on the other side of the phone (Wendy) to be a voice of compassion. I did not hollar, nor did I point a finger. I held myself exactly as I had hoped I'd be. We can't change things if we're not willing to be a part of that change.

I wrote a list of things along the way that happened, and rewrote (probably will do it again) in order to get my point across to change some policies to help other grieving families in the future. I have several other calls to make to be sure that I'm understanding some things correctly before I present them to the hospital staff.
THEN, I plan to offer my own experiences in helping to implant these new policies and volunteer if they need any help to do so.

I'm not quite sure HOW this will all play out in the end, but I DO hope that some new policies will be put in place and some organization in other areas.

I'm not God nor is there anything really special about me to think that "I" am some great person in all this. I know I'm not. In fact, many of you have seen a part of me that's not quite pleasant to be around. I'm not blind to this. But I see God working in my life and in my husbands life to bring healing and to teach. Faith, Trust and HOPE. Something while I "say" I have, a person with HOPE doesn't hold themselves in fear and hopelessness. God is a source of STRENGTH beyond measure and filled with HOPE.

I was reminded yesterday that Special Olympics is taking place soon. Lets look at these folks young and old and see that while they have disabilities of some sort, they look PAST them to be who they ARE. That is not only inspiring, but convicting as well. That they find HOPE and have much FAITH to overcome obsticles that are everyday for them. Yet they overcome victoriousely.

In the end, I can either hold on to the pain and anger, OR I can let it go and TRUELY make a difference in the lives of others which will enable me to find TRUE acceptance of a tragedy and change the course.
This month, I have taken the sock I wanted to knit in my grieving and took a class to finish it. I have the leg and foot done and now working on the toe.

I purchased two different materials to make Jackson's memorial quilt.
I called the hospital to make an appointment in order to share ways they can change with hopes to help other grieving families in the future.

There's more on my list to accomplish, but I'm well on my way and am quite proud of how far both my husband and I have come in such a short period of time.

Thought-Provoking Joyfulness

This weekend has been an interesting one. While I'm feeling more alert and having a less cloudy mind for the most part, I am so wired at night I can't sleep. Then by the time I start to feel sleepy, my husband is deeply sleeping and in snoring mode.

So the past few days I've been overtired and grumpy. Most of this I've noticed is because my bloodsugar is out of whack and I'm either way too low (hence the grumpy feeling) or way too high.  I also struggle with Seasonal Disorder as many Northerners face each year during the winter months.

Saturday was my last sock class for "knitting in the round" I had a great time with the women chatting while creating my own sock. Now I have a leg and am almost done with the foot then on to the toe. I'm quite pleased with the outcome. It's not totally bad, in fact it LOOKS like a sock. I must admit that I took on quite the project for a newbie. I mean, a scarf would have been much easier. But I'm SO grateful that I took this project on and finished it to the end without fear. I DID, however feel quite icky from the low I had from not sleeping the night before. It makes me quite proud that I pushed through it.

Sunday was a totally different story altogether. I DIDN'T make it to church. This is seeming to become more of a "spiritual battle" than anything. I think I've made it once or twice the past several weeks. All because there was either inability to sleep or I had severe anxiety and depression which caused an inability to sleep with all these things on my mind. I had my husband go without me this weekend. Church time is important to me because it's a way to be fed the Word of God. Oh, don't get me wrong, sitting in a pew doesn't make a person anymore Christian if they don't really KNOW Christ, but what it does do is strengthen your relationship with Him once you do. It enables me to grow in Gods word and teachings with an opportunity to share in friendship with those who also know Him. Lets face it, the world isn't necessarily a fun place to live. We see things happen to good people. Illnesses, natural occurances like what happened in Haiti or down south with Katrina where there was nobody to blame for a storm. It's those we surround ourselves with who know Jesus that enable us to remember Gods promises. They help where there is a need and are a delight in troubled times. It's good to surround ourselves with like-minded people who love the Lord.

So when something as simple as sleep or anxiety causes me to miss time in Gods presence in His house to learn more of His word, It's frustrating for me. I struggle with it. Unfortunately satan knows our weaknesses and plays on them. We can either allow him to or focus on Christ.

So here is my learning experience for the weekend...I'm finding "attitude" is the biggest issue. I've been noticing that my attitude isn't the most positive one. In fact, "worse case scenareo" plays in my mind most often. I want to protect myself from pain. The issue here is that in reality, bad things DO happen. It's the attitude we keep through it all that matters.

Finding joy in the midst of our sorrows. NOT happiness. I've learned that Happiness is derived from certain HAPPENINGS. Happiness is an emotion that lasts only temporarily. JOY is finding a positive attitude and focusing on something higher (God) with great HOPE. Joy is an attitude of the heart.
Going through a valley doesn't mean we have to pretend we are happy. We can be in a "valley" and still find a positive attitude of Great hope in our hearts.

It's something I'm really starting to understand. NOW if I can start putting that to practice. Isn't it sometimes hard putting things into practice? I'm finding that to have a healthy life, we must put body, mind and spirit in balance, not just visually injesting what we should be doing but actually putting them to practice.
One might say not just talking, but walking.

Rejoicing In Our Sufferings-Finding Acceptance In A Healthy Way

Today has been an interesting day emotionally. Counseling was emotionally exhausting. I'm not a fan of psychoanalysis. In fact, watching our foster teens as they were overdrugged instead of dealing with their underlying issues really put a bad taste in my mouth of the industry.

Christian Counseling though has been quite the different outcome though. I'm NOT drugged, in fact, dealing with issues like the death of our son, and some other private matters has made it quite confusing and in some cases, frustrating. It's a known fact that I'm afraid. Lately I see just how fear has changed my train of thought throughout the years. It's become a HUGE part of me and when I feel out of control with fear...I get ANGRY.

Todays session was about anger. Specifically about dealing with unmet expectaions, hurt and anger instead of in a NEGATIVE way...which is NEVER accepting that things can sometimes NOT be changed, -OR- in a POSITIVE way of acceptance Externally...i.e. maybe changing things physically, Internally the way we think, and finally spiritually.

In this case, the counselor not only deals with the emotional aspect of the problem but the SPIRITUAL as well as the physical. He gave the foundation as Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. . .
((here's the part that is SO hard for me to sometimes comprehend))
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
I mean, who wants to suffer ANY kind of trial?? Yet trials enable us to "grow up". To persevere. As the above scripture says, that when we persevere through a trial, we are building character.....who we become because of those trials. Who we become shows HOPE not hopelessness...but Triumph and HOPE. Which in the end, will NOT disappoint us because God LOVES us, not because He dislikes us, but because there is HOPE.

It's hard to grasp why we go through trials and even why some do and some don't. I guess looking at this scripture we must count it all joy in this growth. In the end, we find a sort of TRIUMPH. In living a life without trial, life would seem boring and there would be NOBODY with any sort of difference. We'd all think the same, be the same and NEVER have anything to share with the world.

I think of how many GREAT people came from trials and sacrifice.
-Lance Armstrong who not only overcame cancer, but used that opportunity to overcome other obsticles and help through his own experiences,
-Senator John McCain who was tortured and took that opportunity to serve his constituents ( no matter your politics, someone that overcomes torture in serving his country is Honorable),
-Jesus. Who in suffering and in HIS death and ressurection as well as His ascension into heaven...His sacrifice bridged the gap between heaven and hell for all believers.

Just to name a few.

So while working through some rough patches in my life, there is much to be thankful for. There IS peace and joy through the "valley". Just gotta have eyes, ears and the right attitude to find them.

Monday, January 25, 2010

New Beginnings

Good news!  While there are still some issues going on, both physically, emotionally and spiritually, I'm starting to BREATHE again and looking forward to starting the new decade on a more positive foot.

Depression that has been lingering since October has left me in a "worse case scenario" outlook on life. You know the deal....the what if's, the why's and instead of focusing on a positive outlook...waiting for the worst to happen. I wasn't really sure I'd ever get out of it. But today is yet another day that I'm able to enjoy life again. Yesterday was even better spending the day with my husband.

I shared the last time that I was scheduled for a surgery that didn't exhist from a Dr. who closed up shop. Well, I got into an emergency appointment last week and after looking at EVERYTHING, the OB said I didn't have any parts of the placenta left and everything was going to be alright. No surgery needed. Bitter-sweet news. As what Dr. would suggest a D&C that wasn't needed after having been told of tragic events of a miscarriage and the need to move forward with closure?

I've been having pain on the left side of my chest thanks to the bcp's that Dr. put me on and the new OB took me right off them. I have to wait for the meds to get out of the system with hopes this pain goes away soon.

The good news? In a month, we have a discussion on where we'd like to go. Obviousely we'd like to try again. Part of me is scared, but there's no room for fear. How can one find joy if we suffocate from fear of taking any kind of risk at all?

There's more good news. After going to the new Endochrinologist (my second new Dr.) I received results from the labs this Sat. My thyroid levels are wonderful, my hemoglobin A1C is EXCELLENT at 6.4. My goal is in the 5's for TIGHT control. Coming from 9.0 a year before Jackson was conceived and having been in the low 7's while carrying him, I'd say this is an excellent start to EXCELLENT control. Especially if we plan to try again!

The only thing that I wasn't expecting was that he took a Vitmain D level and I have a Vitmain D deficiency. This is THE FIRST TIME I've ever been checked for this by any Dr. and I've suspected it for about 5 years as during the winter I felt like I had SAD. My level is 21 and I looked up numbers. Normal is between 50-80. I'm extremely low! So I've been prescribed 50thousand Units of the vitamin. WOWEE! This is once weekly then once monthly after.

Finding this is absolutely WONDERFUL because there are several things that this will help. I haven't slept without medication since October. This happens during winter where I can't sleep. It should level hormones and there are other helpful thing that could come from this as well.

All in all, between these lab results, the OB appointment next month, the fact that we're seeking counseling for the emotional aspects and after affects to the miscarriage, and finally seeking God through it all.....I do believe that I may be on my way to recovery. This is excellent and I can't help but have a great attitude!
I haven't been on much because there's been alot going on in the past few weeks.

This week I plan to make an appointment for the chiropractor, the dentist for us both, and order contacts. Spring I plan to make the eye dr. appointment and continue to walk, walk, walk!

So ((BREATHING)) today I feel Great! I see light through all that darkness and of course God has given me HOPE and a future. I look forward to this year of renewal of mind, body and spirit. Gods presence in my life and looking at even the harder things in life with a hopeful attitude instead of hopeless. God is all about Hope.

Before I go, I'd also like to share that I've taken on some peaceful past-times to help in the healing process. November I got it in my head I wanted to knit socks. I bought the yarn and couldn't get it. I took a class and met a LOVELY bunch of women and I'm proud to say I have not just the cuff, but the leg of the sock finished.

THEN, to add to the healing process, I decided to start a "memory quilt" in memory of Jackson Jeffrey.
His room was going to be Beatrix Potter's Petter Rabbit and Friends, so I chose that fabric for the center divide of the squares, and Doug picked out the cutest little pattern of Peter and His friends for the bottom divide. Now I have to pick out meaningful squares to surround what will be a square with his name, birthdate and picture.

THIS ladies and gentlemen, will take some time. It's not just another quilt, and has SO much meaning. Not to mention healing in it. Once it's finished, I hope to share it with everyone and plan to work with MY experience to help other bureaving parents. One step at a time though! Just wanted to share a bit of my life with you as God works to heal not just our bodies, but our minds and spirits as well. Something long-awaited, and will take as much time as needs to.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen
. Hebrews 11:1

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Dealing with Worry and Anxiety Scripturally to get through the pain

Pastor Bill gave a sermon today that spoke to many of us...but I felt as though it was specifically for me. I guess I can share it here with everyone.

He went into Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

He explained 4 things God says through that passage:
1. Prohibition- He prohibits us to worry which causes anxiety. Worrying will NEVER help.
2. Promise- God promises that we'll find peace which surpasses ALL understanding and guard our heart and minds if we follow HIS guidance above.
3. Provide- He provides PROTECTION and will provide for our every mean. Our needs.
4. Preserve- If we fix our eyes on GOD first. Pray to Him BEFORE we have that crying fit of angst (which I haven't quite gotten yet), He will preserve our minds, our hearts, our spirits and everything else because we've sought HIM and HE's the one with the strength, the means to overcome.

Finally, I thought to the heck do I remember to do this when I feel overwhelmed with grief, anger and an inability to control my own environment?

Pastor reminded me of the following in philippians verse 8:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

There are other references if anyone would like to check them. I won't post the full scriptures...I'll let you look them up:
Matthew 6:27
Proverbs 12:27 is an AWESOME teaching tool that spoke to me too.
Psalm 37:7-8
Psalm 56:3-4
Psalm 94:18-19

Saturday, January 16, 2010

The Plot Thickens...

I'm still in shock and there's MUCH more to this than I can reveal...I'm still angry, confused..pretty much a basket-case but PRAISING GOD. I had no idea His plan in all this but the Dr.'s license was revoked.

My heart aches at the hope he gave us as a "Christian" Dr. and the procedure I STILL need done...but God provided protection from a potentially hazardous situation.  I may be deeply DEEPLY upset and betrayed....but God knew what HE was doing and made it clear even though my heart WANTED this.

Praise be to God and I'm just continuing to pray for emotional and spiritual as well as physical renewal.  This has added to such sadness, yet I am grateful to God for loving me even when I didn't understand!

Something To Help Ease The Pain

Knitting In The Round

Picture and tutorial by
Went to Knitting in the round class to learn the method in order to finish knitting the socks I started. Therapy so to speak.  While early, I seemed to get up and make it to the class.  I must say the class didn't first start out the greatest. I was behind with casting on and it only got worse with one of my neighbors who decided she needed to figit with her feet up n down while counting ALL her stitched, getting confused and starting over again when she lost count. THIS in tern caused ME to lose count and in the corner of my eye, see her foot stomp a million times fidgiting.  Drove me up the WALL. Haha

I suppose I needed the laugh today though.  Once I tilted a bit and tried to block her counting I started getting it.  I'll most likely go to the store on Monday for extra help as there is a two week gap and I'm noticing one side in the round is missing stitches and it's driving me up the wall!

 It's funny though how God puts others in our midst who DO support us at unexpected times.  A friend of mine from Idaho who called me as I balwed yesterday, and even my knitting group first knitting class and here was the teacher going through her own trial with her parents health failing, another woman making helmet covers in honor of her loved one who passed from the war, a mother who was dealing with fertility, another one empty nester.  We all just met today and yet there was peace in that time of learning to do make something with our hands and finding the ability to encourage each other through knitting to relax and find joy.

Three of us have decided to start a Saturday Sock Knit-in after our last class.  My other neighbor at the class?  The empty-nester?  She's a quilter and after hearing another idea I had,  is going to help me start a project that I'll be posting in a month or two that "could" help others too.  I'm getting my supplies and learning FIRST so I can share later my intention.

So I found a moment of peace, more time to heal and time to come down from the crying fit of rage I had yesterday.  Today, God has given me a clearer mind and is guiding our footsteps to safety. Not really sure yet how all this is playing out...but I know He knows.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Doug and I trudged through the snow as we visited Jackson Jeffrey's grave.  For the winter, we added a simplistic cross made out of twigs, some pine cuttings and hollyberries.  We made a heart in the snow.

The candle in the snow was placed there one day and we didn't know how it got there.  All of a sudden a woman came over, hugged me and started to cry.

"You've been on my mind", she said.  Turns out she too lost her little girl at 22 weeks gestation.  We had alot in common. Then she proceeded to tell us her mom had passed away without notice from cancer.  her WHOLE family purchased plots the first two rows and she will be our neighbor when we are laid to rest.

I found it neat.  The place is beautiful and peaceful.  I find solace there thinking of Jackson being with Jesus if he can't be with us.

Meeting our new friend was bitter-sweet, but I look forward to getting to know her and her family.

Rest in Peace Dear Loved Ones.  May Jesus continue to comfort those left behind!

Friday, January 15, 2010

Raw Anger and Disappointment In The Medical Community and A Little Self-Pity

I received news today that has absolutely DEVISTATED me to the point of not knowing who to trust anymore.  I wonder what I've done?  Why can't we seem to get a break somewhere.

Many of you now know that I've found closure with the latest OB who gave us the news that Jackson's death wasn't due to the diabetes or hypothyroid but in fact from a missed mucus plug that was shed.  He put me on BCP's for a month, had me skip the last week and continue with the following months to get the lining thick for the surgery (D&C) I was supposed to have on Tuesday.

Haven't heard from him, I had my husband call this morning for the official time of surgery on Tuesday to get rid of the rest of the placenta only to find He closed up shop.

He NEVER even called me?! So here I am taking BCP's thickening my lining for a surgery I'm not having with placenta pieces in my body that has made me ill.  ALL pertaining from Octobers mess of losing our son Jackson Jeffrey.

I'm FRUSTRATED.  Honestly this is toned down a WHOLE LOT.  I feel abandoned....wonder why with Gods power and strength He just can't give me a bit of room to breathe.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle....Ummmmm I'm not going there.  I'm on my KNEES begging for mercy here and I'm sick and tired of being every Dr.'s guinea pig!  Not only was this closure for health reasons...but it gave that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe we could try again. 

We were perfectly FINE to adopt all these years.  It was our plan!  Still is someday when the financial means becomes available.

Then the beautiful miracle of Jackson came and he was taken from us so soon.  I want to adopt....I'd LOVE a mansion full of children at this point but I also want that opportunity to experience pregnancy and a full term birth with a child we can watch grow long into adulthood. 

I want to adopt...yet the cost is either too far out of reach for us or the process dictates how thin I must be, how many other children I can or cannot have in the home or continues to throw abused children back with their parents only to send them back at an age that will make it hard for them to mainstream back into a structured environment.

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement.  I NEED closure from my sons death already.  I need NOT to feel sick everyday...I want to be without nosebleeds at night or dryheaving because I can't catch my breath from missing my son who didn't have to die had anyone listened to me.  Most importantly I think of the children I long to have......The ones through conception and the ones who struggle right now and are waiting to be in my arms through adoption.

I grieve for THEIR mommies and pray for them too. It's not easy to give your child/ren to someone else.  It's an honor to BE a mom and just as much an honor when you get the opportunity to raise a child someone else put THEIR trust for you to raise. I know in some circumstances it's not with their permission and they just couldn't be what their children needed at that time...but I STILL pray for these women.
I'm confused and angry and UGH!

If you learn ONE thing from this situation.  NEVER take for granted the children you DO have.  Go hug your babies .  Remind them you support them and hear them and pray for them and while life isn't always easy, you'll be there for them. 

Know that life is precious and that not everyone has the blessed opportunity to have or hold a child.  Not even adoption or fostercare system is easy.  It's amazing how many people would like an opportunity yet get thrown around as they continue to throw the kids around the system for the almighty buck to help the state and NOT the child.

So my heart hurts and I'm left abandoned yet again. I just wonder where God is in all this?? I know He's here, He just seems so far away.  I feel a wall separating us. One in which I put up due to my own fear, anger, resentment and RAGE.

Response Message to Rachael

Racheal, I left another comment after your last one, but since you don't seem to have a blog here and haven't left a blog URL, I thought I'd post here on my main page too with hopes you'll see this my friend:

Hi Rachael,

Ah, now I know what you speak of.  You were speaking of our bureavement group.  There was one couple who lost their baby as we did.  He was 30 weeks.  10 weeks shy of delivery.  She was at a hotel and gave birth all of a sudden.  Her experience was like mine and while WE had closure (bacterial vaginosis...which now we know is because bacteria got into the cervix due to the mucus plug) the other couple had no closure because there were no answers from the placenta testing.  She asked if we had any answers with hope that THEY too may find them.
The couple your referring to is a whole different couple.  They both carried a gene that caused their child to have several birth defects.  He couldn't live with how severe they were and thus, he passed.  Leaving them sad, frustrated, but now with closure that they should no longer ttc with the genetic disorder.

We don't have that genetic disorder.  as the last couple.....our story is similar to the first couple who just seemed to dialate too early.  Though mine is something due to the mucus plug which in most cases stays in.

Some wise words for you dear friend...With a new pregnancy, you could drive yourself to tears with all the things that "could" happen.  The books that not only show you each trimester, but give you worst case scenareo's, testing for birth defects, etc.

I will tell you with my experience that it's something you shouldn't get too focused on or you will not find JOY in your pregnancy.

I had JOY in my pregnancy. I felt AWESOME in fact.  Better than I had in years.
My situation CAN happen, but it's not all too common.  In most cases, when a mucus plug sheds, if a person is LISTENED to as the nurse said above, you can still keep the baby from bacteria by what's called a cerclage...or tie the cervix and bedrest.

As far as birth defects.  I denied every testing, because we would keep the baby anyways.  When we had a second thought about testing jackson with the "bloodtest only and sonogram" for birth defects, none took.  We decided that was Gods way of confirming exactly how WE felt.  So we didn't pursue.

But please know that you'll scare yourself and take away from the JOY in pregnancy if you look too much into the negatives.  LISTEN to your body and when something doesn't feel right, follow through.

Thats what my message is about.

Much love to you dear friend and may you have a healthy and JOYFUL pregnancy in Jesus name.  AMEN

A Glimpse Of Healing

Today, to spite the fact that I was on edge all morning and scuffing my feet around, I found our first counseling appointment to be quite healing.

There is obviously some issues both of us have to deal with concerning our sons death. I, obviousely am the more vocal one dealing with pretty bad anger, rage and trust issues. I trust absolutely NOBODY. I love my husband, but the past years events have only made my trust issues even harder to deal with in our marriage. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my husband. It's not a matter of divorce or anything. Just a matter of communication issues pertaining to the events in our lives. I, have to learn how to communicate and listen to my husband and HE needs to learn to communicate and not dodge confrontation with just about everyone. He's just a peaceful guy. He wants everything to be better, he doesn't like confrontation or chaos. But then, who does really?

I felt bad for the poor counselor as I shed the anger today. Anger with my inlaws, the hospital, my own parents, myself. shoot. I'm just MAD!

After all was said and done though, I left with a HUGE block off my shoulder. I felt like I could sleep for days. I'm whiped out!

Because of the issues we've been facing, he said he'd like to see us again next week, after my surgery. He'll also be seeing us between our anniversary/sons due date.

We were going to go FAR, far away for an anniversary. I'd like FIJI. Haha, but we can't afford it and I'd really like to be near our two little dogs too. just being together means alot to me right now. SO, we're making a SPA appointment. Spare no expense I say! I'm getting the works. My husband, who loathes anything "metrosexual" for a burly guy is doing this for me. It's a couples spa day. I must say, while he's opting OUT of the Parafin treatment and teh darn foot massage, he WILL accept the back massage. I say, "do as you please, I'll be getting the works...pass the champagne please! Oh, and the berries too".

So today, while emotionally taxing. I think this counseling is going to help us both. As much as I need "anger management" he needs to know how to speak up to certain people without feeling intimidated. Which I don't seem to have a problem with. My issue? Let me deck them all for the pain they've caused. Give me a snowball and let me wrip em! Hand me my dishes and let me hear them break in the driveway. Anything that will help in the healing.

I hear amount of violence will help or bring back my son. Haha I need racket ball or some sort of dodgeball to take my frustrations out. Haha
Praying for the new year to bring a newfound healing

Thursday, January 14, 2010

BV, Genetic Disorder, or something else?! Answer to a question

Another blogger has asked me a question that I thought I'd answer.

In the beginning, after I gave birth to our son Jackson Jeffrey, we were given a couple reasons for the end result.  After testing the placenta however, the final result was "bacterial Vaginosis" which I was told was a FREAK thing and wouldn't happen with every pregnancy. That's given we'd actually get pregnant again, but that's a whole other story.

I don't think I ever said it was a genetic disorder, though I was concerned that Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) or side affects from it like Type II diabetes and/or the hypothyroid caused our sons death. I blamed myself because of these issues for quite awhile.  The following new results are bitter-sweet.  We've found some answers and are finding some sort of closure.

After going home, researching what we were told and then knowing that our sons apgar score was actually EXCELLENT for his gestation. Things weren't adding up.

SO ((SIGH)), after hearing our concern, a woman I met at a womens outing mentioned her OB who has done in-depth studies and it might be to our advantage to just talk with him.

After SEVERAL hours in his office, looking over hospital records, medical records leading up to his birth, listening to the events that took place, we found quite a few things.  He started talking (the new OB) and one thing after another started making sense vs. what we were told by the origional Dr's.

Here is what took place:
Outing with someone who was impatient and decided several times in a road rage to SLAM on the breaks.  An hour later, I lost my mucus plug.  I suspected it could be that, but there was no blood.  Made an appointment with whom we were told was THE ONLY high risk center in 7 counties for our area (because I've got diabetes, not because it was an issue, but to be monitored).  NEVER saw any of the perinatal Dr.'s.  In fact, only saw the nurse practitioner who instead of LISTENING to me, decided to go by the songrom from the day before the incident where we were told cervix was fine and nothing was wrong.

Even after several appointments, the nurse practitioner STILL ignoring my plea. Had she and the Dr.s actually done their job, they'd have found a shed mucus plug, would have been able to insert an antibacterial type suppository and cerclaged the cervix.

Our new OB has let us know that Bacterial Vaginosis is an excuse to throw out when they cannot explain why bacteria has found its way into the amniotic sac and placenta.  In which case, had they looked and known, the mucus plug is there to keep bacteria out.  When shed, it allows bacteria into the vaginal area which causes inflammation and in the end, caused the amniotic sac to bulge through before Jackson was actually ready. Thus pushing him out before he was ready.

So all this to say it wasn't a genetic disorder.  If it were Diabetes or hypothyroid, we were told by several different OB's, that I would have miscarried in the first trimester and I was in the second.

It WAS bacteria in the vaginal area.  But it was caused by something.  There was no more plug left, which allowed bacteria up to the placenta and amniotic sac where it wasn't corrected. THUS causing the death of our son.

Now I know there will be MANY wondering why we aren't suing.  Fact is, it would cost FAR more than we could afford, is too hard to prove, and honestly isn't what we feel God would want. 
Instead, I'm using this time to grieve and will use this tragedy to make an impact in the lives of OTHER parents so they will NEVER have to go through this again.

Suing won't bring Jackson back, Education and Awareness will at least impact lives and HIS life and legacy will live on FAR beyond those beautiful 25 minutes we had with him. 

I share all this information with hopes to answer questions for those who wonder and to inform women to TRUST their intuition when things don't seem to be adding up and when they feel something is wrong and they aren't being listened to.

Take time to KNOW your body, don't be afraid to FIRE nurses and asking for another one, get rid of your Dr.'s if they aren't listening to you and if like me, your told they are the ONLY ones in the area.....choose LIFE and be willing to travel so you may get better care.  Speak UP to CEO's, speak up to Dr.'s whose office staff are rude and know that THEY work for YOU.  If you aren't being listened to, odds are, you won't get the best personal care and bedside manner.  NOTHING is worth risking your health or in our case, the health of our babys.

So I hope this answers the questions that have been lurking out there for me.  I wouldn't ordinarily be throwing this information out, but this is SERIOUS information that could possibly help someone in the future.  So I open my heart, our experience and our lives so that someone else may find answers BEFORE something like this happens.
Thank You for asking!

Hospital Commercial Puts Me Over The Edge

The past two days, their commercial claims to be the best hospital for prenatal/postnatal and emergency care for infants.

I see an infant that was delivered through emergency C-section that they said they saved.
I see one that was delivered preterm that they saved.
a set of twins they saved.
And another one I can't remember.
How do I feel???  I'm PISSED OFF! 

Then why was I asked to stay or leave by the intern who said they couldn't do anything because I was short a week and a half.  Why did they say they were just going to wait until he was born and there was NOTHING they could do??  Why was I given that option and WHY didn't they call the attending or the perinatal physicians who would have started right away to try and stop the dialating instead of waiting until the next day when it's too late and my water breaks?

Why did we have to go to the 7th floor where they wheeled a new born baby boy past us...while we had to fill out Jackson's Death certificate? 

Why don't they provide any clothing that fit a child that small instead of leaving a mom feeling as though she fell short to provide even the smallest of clothing for her child not to mention fell short of trying to fight for his life?!

Finally, Why is it that just this week, we receive a letter with a bill attatched demanding we provide Jackson's Health Insurance card or PAY UP Including state TAX?!  In fact, how is it they even got his name when his name wasn't even acknowledged when asked.  Baby boy S. was the name.   Oh, we called them to let them know we DON'T HAVE a card...that our son is DEAD.  We demanded to know how this mistake happened when they couldn't seem to jot down even his name while he was alive!  We demanded an apology as well.

I keep saying this over and over and over again.  I AM going to contact the head CEO.  I don't want another parent going through what we have and are going through.  However, I'm waiting so I can go in with a level head and with some sort of tact and gentleness to offer my help with the experience we've had.

But what I DON'T want to see is how you saved all these baby's lives and refused to save MY CHILD!

A Raw and Unfiltered Healing Process

Tomorrow is our first counseling session. I am pretty nervous about it. Ok, REALLY nervous about it.
I'm usually pretty good about TALKING. THIS though, is a whole other ball game. I'm not really used to telling my inner thoughts to someone I don't know. Right now, this person that's inside me is hurt, REALLY angry, and pretty darn confused.

My husband is a quiet man, and thus doesn't say a whole lot. I think he needs this time. He deals with my depression lately, my rage, the anger at his parents, my parents, his friends who screwed us this past summer and to tell you the truth, he's trying SO hard to keep things together.

I can't imagine how he's kept it together this long without either bailing on me or losing it himself.
The day we found out that the reason all this happened was due to the mucus plug shedding because his dad was impatient and having road rage...not only drew me to RAGE, but to watch my husband break down in tears on the way back home just shed new light on just how much pressure the man is under.

I, at least, vent my anger. I'm MAD! No matter how mad I get though, it won't bring our son back. The son we've waited over 8 years for. And for what? Because his grandfather refused to be patient?! A man that has 7 other grandchildren. 5 from one son and new twins from the other......and he couldn't be patient enough to keep a child who was to be his grandson safe and healthy? What right has he to be that selfish?! Someone who preaches the gospel, yet refuses to even acknowledged HE caused the death of our son. No, I'm NOT HAPPY! I won't pretend everything is good at Christmas. It's NOT!

How though, can I deal with my own anger, my own sadness in the grieving process when my poor husband is trying to hold it together with the pressure from work (he's an RN), the anger we both feel towards both sets of parents, the sadness we feel, and the heartache we feel in wondering if we'll ever be able to conceive another child again.

As a believer of Christ, I try to put my full faith in Him and say, " He knows my desires and will provide again". But I also find myself saying, "Lord, I believe, but HELP my unbelief". That quote was from a father in the Bible who's son had passed away and as he asked Jesus to bring him back, Jesus told Him to BELIEVE...have FAITH. That's when the father said that to Jesus. Needless to say, if you've read that, you KNOW that the boy was miraculously brought back to life by Jesus.

There's alot of healing to be done. The healing process is RAW. It's not something you just get over. It takes time. But I pray I may step back for a moment and allow my husband to speak so that HE may heal too. There will be plenty of time for me to speak. I'm doing it right here.

I think this is a part of the healing process. A part of getting healthy. It's not JUST about exercise and weightloss. I think it's about balance and healing comes not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. When all three are taken care of, I think that overall health and wellness takes place.