Thursday, January 14, 2010

A Raw and Unfiltered Healing Process

Tomorrow is our first counseling session. I am pretty nervous about it. Ok, REALLY nervous about it.
I'm usually pretty good about TALKING. THIS though, is a whole other ball game. I'm not really used to telling my inner thoughts to someone I don't know. Right now, this person that's inside me is hurt, REALLY angry, and pretty darn confused.

My husband is a quiet man, and thus doesn't say a whole lot. I think he needs this time. He deals with my depression lately, my rage, the anger at his parents, my parents, his friends who screwed us this past summer and to tell you the truth, he's trying SO hard to keep things together.

I can't imagine how he's kept it together this long without either bailing on me or losing it himself.
The day we found out that the reason all this happened was due to the mucus plug shedding because his dad was impatient and having road rage...not only drew me to RAGE, but to watch my husband break down in tears on the way back home just shed new light on just how much pressure the man is under.

I, at least, vent my anger. I'm MAD! No matter how mad I get though, it won't bring our son back. The son we've waited over 8 years for. And for what? Because his grandfather refused to be patient?! A man that has 7 other grandchildren. 5 from one son and new twins from the other......and he couldn't be patient enough to keep a child who was to be his grandson safe and healthy? What right has he to be that selfish?! Someone who preaches the gospel, yet refuses to even acknowledged HE caused the death of our son. No, I'm NOT HAPPY! I won't pretend everything is good at Christmas. It's NOT!

How though, can I deal with my own anger, my own sadness in the grieving process when my poor husband is trying to hold it together with the pressure from work (he's an RN), the anger we both feel towards both sets of parents, the sadness we feel, and the heartache we feel in wondering if we'll ever be able to conceive another child again.

As a believer of Christ, I try to put my full faith in Him and say, " He knows my desires and will provide again". But I also find myself saying, "Lord, I believe, but HELP my unbelief". That quote was from a father in the Bible who's son had passed away and as he asked Jesus to bring him back, Jesus told Him to BELIEVE...have FAITH. That's when the father said that to Jesus. Needless to say, if you've read that, you KNOW that the boy was miraculously brought back to life by Jesus.

There's alot of healing to be done. The healing process is RAW. It's not something you just get over. It takes time. But I pray I may step back for a moment and allow my husband to speak so that HE may heal too. There will be plenty of time for me to speak. I'm doing it right here.

I think this is a part of the healing process. A part of getting healthy. It's not JUST about exercise and weightloss. I think it's about balance and healing comes not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. When all three are taken care of, I think that overall health and wellness takes place.

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