Monday, October 22, 2012

Lost In A Sea Of Bitterness

The anniversary of our sons birth and death has come again.  Jackson would be 3 today.  I have been having the hardest time this year during the month of October.  A week ago I started the whole thought process of how we were celebrating Jackson's life and home-going.  It is and forever will be a bitter-sweet day for me.  I thought the day would go like every other year but for some reason I've hit this block in the road.

I'm wondering if it has something to do with watching Amelia grow.  She has since turned one last month and I can't tell you how fun and exciting it is to be her mother.  I often think of how she and her brother would be as siblings.  Then I quickly turn to a different subject.

When I enjoy the gift of raising Amelia, I can't help but think of missing out on the joy of raising Jackson also.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again...he IS in the garden with Jesus. His life is so much fuller than ours here on earth. I know where he is, I know that he is safe, and I know that we will see him again someday soon.

While I am thankful to God for knowing our son 25 minutes longer than most who lose their children earlier, I find myself going back to the old thought processes of blaming those who could have saved him with earlier intervention had they not sent me home that night.

THIS thought process my friends, will only lead to bitterness and anger. Of which I'm finding myself with lately.  I blame myself, I blame the medical staff, and I sometimes hate myself for not fighting more for the treatment we SHOULD have had that night before the main Dr. called us in that morning to intervene. More and more I go back to that day when we met with the board of directors at the hospital.  I go back to why we never sued in the first place (because we wanted to change policies). Moreover I go over the experiences I had after birthing Amelia and while I fought non-stop every step of the way to advocate for her and I.  I didn't see any difference in policies.

During this month I look back and it makes me feel bitter. As if I lost him and had nothing good come from it. God knows I DID. Had I not done research, had HE not led me to a website for Incompetent Cervix...I would not have Amelia today. Had I not fought for monitoring, went for a second opinion EVEN when the medical staff said I DIDN"T have IC but found out almost the same time that I in fact DID have it.....Amelia wouldn't be here.  Something good DID come out of it.

Then why do I feel so sad?  Why can't I just let this go and be content with what has happened?  Why do I keep bringing up something that won't help in the healing process?  Lastly, why is it taking so long for me to heal?!

I hold my little girl and God has blessed us with such a spirited little girl!  Not only is she spirited but she snuggles like a kuala bear and we can't go ANYWHERE without someone stopping us because "she's smiling" at them. lol  She's a gift to us, but a blessing to others. God KNEW!  He just knew.

For all the pain and grief and bitterness my heart holds.  I also have a deep love, and a thankful heart for this little girl that God blessed me with.  He didn't have to do it.  He answered my prayer and He is showing me minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day that to spite my sinful anger and bitterness...He STILL loves me.

Dear Lord, deliver me from sin and replace it with the "fruit of the spirit". Holy Spirit Reign down on me and fill my cup overflowing.  Bless my friends and family. Let them know thy love and presence.  take away our burdens Lord and lift our spirits through Your mighty hands. In Jesus name I pray...AMEN!

2 comments:

Patti said...

Oh, my precious friend, I'm sorry you are hurting. But, you know, I think it's understandable that you are. The loss of Jackson was a HUGE loss to you and Doug. There will probably be a part of you that will always hurt; after all, a part of your hearts died with him.

While you know I surrendered my need for another child 2 years ago, I have found myself struggling with feelings of pain and hurt when I hear of the pregnancies of other women who have been delivered from fertility issues...wondering why I couldn't have been as well.

Love you,
Patti

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