Again it's been a while since my last visit. I think this blog is becoming a piece with which to heal for me. I come when I need to vent, when I'm at a loss, when I'm confused, frustrated and finally when I'm filled with joy for the blessing of our son. I come when I want to celebrate Jackson's life and when I want to acknowledge his existence. When the world around me has no clue he's ever slipped into the world.
It makes sense to me to write. I FEEL so I WRITE!
The past few days I've been contemplating on my son and his life. It happens from time to time, ESPECIALLY when I run across experiences like I've had a couple of days ago.
Have any of you run across questions such as "Do you have children?" or "Do you have any MORE children at home?"
Those questions are VERY difficult for me to answer. One reason is because I ALWAYS want to acknowledge my son. He not only lived within me but was delivered by my body and was alive in my arms even if it was only for 25 minutes. I had him preterm but he was very much a baby and very much alive.
So how do I answer this? Yesterday as a massage therapist was massaging my back she asked if I had any kids. I said yes. A little girl at my parents and our little boy who was in heaven. Everything went silent, she apologized and just moved on. Things became ...ODD. As with every other time I acknowledge our son I find that dead air kind of oddness and become the "Debbie Downer" of the group so to say.
The other option? I could say 1 child but then in my heart I'd feel as though I were denying the very existence of my son. Is that fair?! Do I really have to "pretend" all is fair and well when it really isn't a fairytale at all?
There are several things I've come to notice over the past year. One that I'd like to change in this upcoming year. That's the bitterness and anger I've held on to since our son passed away. It's been 3 years and I still feel very angry. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY happy for our beautiful little girl. There's someone missing though. He big brother isn't here. It makes me very sad. He is a part of my life that was miraculous. The first child conceived when everyone told us it could NEVER happen. His birth was exciting and devastating, The best time, the worst time, but overall the most precious and blessed experience of being his mommy and daddy even for the 25 minutes we had with him. We're still his mommy and daddy. Over the past year I've seen some pretty negative behavior. One in which isn't of God. I hold on to anger, have chronic anxiety, even driving in the car makes me fearful and what I recently gathered was that I was holding on to bitterness.
The past week or so I've become more aware of this and have been praying on my heart, my mind, my body, soul and spirit and asking the Holy Spirit to prune the sinfulness and replace it with the fruit of the spirit. That my heart and spirit would change for HIM. We begin to internalize everything when we go through something so traumatic. Life becomes more about ME and less about others, it becomes more about the next best thing only to keep going and going and going because the next best thing isn't fulfilling at all. My eye is off Christ. I know this because I feel terrible all around. My body is paying for it, my mind is ugly, my heart is hard, my spirit is SO lost to spite the fact that I KNOW Christ....I've just forgotten who I AM in Christ. If I remembered, I'd know that NONE of this defines who I am, only Christ defines my life and in HIM is where my trust should be. In HIM is where my confidence should lie, In HIM is where I should find shelter from fear, anxiety, anger and bitterness.
So here is where I am in my journey. I am facing an overall spiritual ugliness that I don't like. I want to change it and I am asking GOD to change ME.
I am also wondering how to answer people when they ask me if I have any children or if I have any MORE children at home. I don't want to be Debbie Downer, yet I'll never deny my sons existence. He's waiting for me HOME in heaven. I LONG for him here on earth but Oh how his little sister is a glimpse of heaven. She brightens our day. Gives so much love and when we pray together, it is the most peaceful moment that I hope to remember for the rest of my life.
God be with you all!