Sunday, May 29, 2011

It's 3am and guess who can't sleep?!lol

I figured I'd jot down my thoughts today to ease the sleeplessness.

Today is officially wk 21. Yay Amelia!  I'm a bit nervous about next week as that is the milestone to get past since our son Jackson passed, but based on this weeks Perinatal appointment. I'm quite confident of surpassing that milestone.  I even seem to have a more positive attitude.

Speaking of Perinatal appointment it's THE FIRST time I received some good news for a change!  My cervical length didn't go down nor did she find anymore funneling since the surgery.  Seems that by the Grace of God the bed rest is working.  Our Great Physician in Heaven is AWESOME!

We also discussed her report from the cardiologist.  She didn't get anything she understood, but she got enough from me.  She apologized for how it all happened and even mentioned that Downs is only 30% of the cases and not all babies with VSD have Downs. She said she would be more concerned with another type of heart defect that Amelia has been found not to have.  She also mentioned that VSD is quite common in infants and majority of the cases clear up on their own.  SHE has decided to do another scan in 2 wks to check the heart herself and do some more anomaly scans to check Amelia's growth.  Everything has been right on thus far.  Obviously there are no guarantees, but as I said before we will keep our beautiful baby NO MATTER WHAT!

Today I was given permission by the Dr. to take a ride.  We went to a garden center and bought some flowers for the pots in Jackson's stone.  I sat while Doug planted them and I must say his grave looks just beautiful!  Simplistic but gorgeous!

Came home and Doug also tended to his container garden on the porch.  We have beautiful hanging strawberry plants instead of the ferns this year, we have the long pots with lettuce, spinach, carrots and he even snuck in a couple 5 gallon bins and planted corn which has already come up.  Can you believe I have corn growing on my porch?? lol My husband makes me smile.

Today I also came out in Faith and ordered some Newborn cloth diapers.  I decided I'd need something for Amelia in the few weeks she's born and not knowing how big she'll be, I didn't want to buy something I wouldn't need so I purchased 2 dozen Clotheez organic prefolds and figure if I need another dozen, I'll buy them once she's here.

I'll also purchase diaper covers next paycheck where I've decided on the Thirsties Duo Wrap which has a broader range fit from 6-12lbs.  The snaps make it easier to adjust to the sizing.  I figured I'd buy 4 with the Aplex and 4 with the snaps to see which ones will fit Amelia the best and then purchase more later when we know she will like or fit in them better.

I also went into the pile of clothes I had from my pregnancy with Jackson and finally opened the storage bin to weed through what we'd use for Amelia.  Aside from a few boyish items, I had forgotten that my friends over the years have given us baby clothes I stored away.  Amelia has some pretty cute girly outfits already and along with some neutrals I purchased just weeks before we knew Jackson was a boy...Amelia now has quite a few sleepers, onesies, etc in the closet.  Nothing too cutesie yet, but that will come in time.  In fact, my mother already told me she's gone to town on little girl outfits.  She's really excited.  I'm still waiting to purchase clothes until 28wks.  I find it's best to get through these milestones the next well, 7 wks now.

My Doula and Perinatologist have already noticed that since the stitch I've been so much more able to find excitement in this pregnancy and enjoy my little girl even bonding with her more and more.  I must admit though, it doesn't take much.  I feel her kicks and hear her little heart beating and she just makes her mommy cry with joy!  I just praise God for every little miraculous movement and beat.  I also praise him during the not-so-fun moments.  You know, the ones with pain from the injections or the nausea associated or regular aches and pains.

I see those as gifts as well.  Though I find it hard to sleep most nights because it takes two weeks for one butt cheek to heal and then I get a shot again, I know it's to ward off preterm labor and keep my little girl safe from harm.  God knows all things and works for the good of both His kingdom and His children.  I am blessed and each jab, feeling of nausea or any other ache of pain is a gift.

Speaking of blessings.  Today Dougs parents came by to visit and brought puzzles as well as reading material. I also had a visit from another friend from church who brought us a dorm refrigerator with a freezer so I don't have to keep coming up and down the stairs each day.  I'm happy to say it's in the bedroom right now.  We also have a made coming on Monday thanks to another kind friend from church.  It's a blessing but so odd to me to have someone cleaning my home while I'm in my bedroom.  I'm grateful though!

I think with all the excitement of the day though, I'm having a tough time coming down.  Not to mention Doug is going to church without me tomorrow and I'm SO SAD.  Not that he's going to church, but that I'll be missing yet another week.  For good reason of course, but I honestly love our church family and moreover, I love hearing The Word Of God and learning.  Luckily I can hear it from the website later in the week but I miss the faces and just the personal experience of listening as Gods word unfolds before my eyes again and again.

I'm trying to get into a new schedule of prayer, reading and also praying for a list of those who ask for prayer.  Keeping a list and praying each day.  I think with the trauma of losing Jackson, I feel as though the part of me that used to be on fire to learn and even pray for others has kinda dwindled and I became needy myself.  Maybe even a bit too emotionally and spiritually needy that I started lacking in foundation and prayer that I once had before the tragedy struck.  Oh I pray and I read, I'm just not as on-fire as I used to be or would like.

I've been asking for change.  Change of attitude and perspective.  I DO NOT want my daughter learning  some of the behaviors I've had to cope. The fear, the anxiety, the disappointment which leads to anger or rage.  I do not want my daughter to inherit those unhealthy behaviors.  Instead, I want her to be CONFIDENT in her Lord Jesus Christ. To be BOLD in her love for Him and know that even through bad times God is Good and His plans are for the good of both His people and His kingdom.

So in facing this challenge, I've been asking God to prune the sins of my heart and replace them with the Fruit of The Spirit.  To live IN the Spirit and BY the Spirit.  When I do that, both I and others will see the fruit in me.  At the moment, I'm lacking some of that fruit.  It's now that I have to look within at the sin in my life and allow God to prune it from my heart and help to change me within so that I may be the wife, mother, daughter, cousin, friend, etc. that HE would like me to be.

So it is here that I close.  I also give you my thanks for getting this far if you've read this post to the end.  Lacking sleep, I have a whole lot to chat about and the time is on my hands.  It is also now that I close to pray with God as I try to put my mind to rest and allow God to give me peace, lighten my burdens and bless my spirit.  I ask the same for all of you my dear friends! May God continually bless you with the presence of His Holy Spirit in Jesus name I pray...Amen!

1 comment:

Rachel said...

Well done to you! Another week ticked off - you are doing so great! That was so nice of your husband's parents to bring you puzzles to help pass the time - is there anything else you like to do? When I was in bed for 6 weeks with bad morning sickness I discovered all these lovely movies on youtube - Larkrise to Candleford is nice, and Dickens and the Jane Austen movies and some of the reality tv shows too.
It is 10pm here on Sunday night in NZ and I am about to head off to bed myself. I hope you managed to get some sleep!
I will email you soon - loved getting your email last week.

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