What Makes A Mother

Today is Mother's Day In the UK. A friend of mine shared a beautiful poem that I thought I'd share here. I know with other grieving mommy's, they often wonder if they are a mother without a child here on earth. You ARE!

*What Makes a Mother* I thought of you and closed my eyes. And prayed to God today. I asked what makes a mother and I know I heard him say, A mother has a baby. This we know is true. But God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you? Yes, you can, He replied with confidence in His voice. I give many women babies. When they leave is not their choice. Some I send for a lifetime and others for a day. And some I send to feel your womb but there's no need to stay. I just don't understand this. God, I want my baby here. He took a breath and cleared His throat and then I saw a tear. I wish I could show you what your child is doing today. If you could see your child smile with other children and say, "We go to earth to learn our lessons of life and love and fear. My Mommy loved me, Oh so much, I got to come straight here. I feel so lucky to have a Mom who had so much love for me, I learned my lesson very quickly. My Mommy set me free. I miss my Mommy, Oh so much, but I visit her each day. When she goes to sleep, on her pillow's where I lay. I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek and whisper in her ear, 'Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.'" So you see, my dear sweet one, your children are okay. Your babies are here in MY home and this is where they'll stay. They'll wait for you with ME until your lesson is through. And on the day that you come home, they'll be at the gates for you. So now you see what makes a Mother— It's the feeling in your heart. It's the love you had so much of, right from the very start. Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother, until their time is done. They'll be up here with ME one day, and know you're the best one. ~Jennifer Wasik~

Held! But In Better Hands Now.

Some days are better than others.  Especially when something comes up to "trigger" old, deep wounds that changed the rest of your life.  Days like that, I find God speaks to me even more. Bek, I love you. I'm here WITH you and I can bare your sadness.  Focus on me, KNOW me and let ME be your Father.  Have confidence that I can handle everything!

God couldn't have said it better through the beautiful voice of Natalie Grant. She played almost a year ago at a local church and I missed it.  I think for good reason. God always knows what's best for His children. It's not always what we'd like His answer to be, but His bigger plan is to shape our lives for the greater life we have in Heaven.

So in my deep awareness of where I stood. I take time to weep, talk with God and let Him heal my ever -changing heart.

To God be the glory! Amen.

Acknowledgement Or Odd One Out?

Hello dear friends!

Again it's been a while since my last visit. I think this blog is becoming a piece with which to heal for me. I come when I need to vent, when I'm at a loss, when I'm confused, frustrated and finally when I'm filled with joy for the blessing of our son. I come when I want to celebrate Jackson's life and when I want to acknowledge his existence.  When the world around me has no clue he's ever slipped into the world.

It makes sense to me to write. I FEEL so I WRITE!

The past few days I've been contemplating on my son and his life.  It happens from time to time, ESPECIALLY when I run across experiences like I've had a couple of days ago.

Have any of you run across questions such as "Do you have children?" or "Do you have any MORE children at home?"

Those questions are VERY difficult for me to answer. One reason is because I ALWAYS want to acknowledge my son. He not only lived within me but was delivered by my body and was alive in my arms even if it was only for 25 minutes.  I had him preterm but he was very much a baby and very much alive.

So how do I answer this?  Yesterday as a massage therapist was massaging my back she asked if I had any kids.  I said yes. A little girl at my parents and our little boy who was in heaven.  Everything went silent, she apologized and just moved on.  Things became ...ODD.  As with every other time I acknowledge our son I find that dead air kind of oddness and become the "Debbie Downer" of the group so to say.

The other option?  I could say 1 child but then in my heart I'd feel as though I were denying the very existence of my son.  Is that fair?!  Do I really have to "pretend" all is fair and well when it really isn't a fairytale at all?

There are several things I've come to notice over the past year. One that I'd like to change in this upcoming year.  That's the bitterness and anger I've held on to since our son passed away.  It's been 3 years and I still feel very angry. Don't get me wrong, I am VERY happy for our beautiful little girl.  There's someone missing though. He big brother isn't here.  It makes me very sad.  He is a part of my life that was miraculous. The first child conceived when everyone told us it could NEVER happen.  His birth was exciting and devastating, The best time, the worst time, but overall the most precious and blessed experience of being his mommy and daddy even for the 25 minutes we had with him. We're still his mommy and daddy.  Over the past year I've seen some pretty negative behavior.  One in which isn't of God.  I hold on to anger, have chronic anxiety, even driving in the car makes me fearful and what I recently gathered was that I was holding on to bitterness.  

The past week or so I've become more aware of this and have been praying on my heart, my mind, my body, soul and spirit and asking the Holy Spirit to prune the sinfulness and replace it with the fruit of the spirit.  That my heart and spirit would change for HIM.  We begin to internalize everything when we go through something so traumatic.  Life becomes more about ME and less about others, it becomes more about the next best thing only to keep going and going and going because the next best thing isn't fulfilling at all.  My eye is off Christ. I know this because I feel terrible all around. My body is paying for it, my mind is ugly, my heart is hard, my spirit is SO lost to spite the fact that I KNOW Christ....I've just forgotten who I AM in Christ.  If I remembered, I'd know that NONE of this defines who I am, only Christ defines my life and in HIM is where my trust should be. In HIM is where my confidence should lie, In HIM is where I should find shelter from fear, anxiety, anger and bitterness.  

So here is where I am in my journey.  I am facing an overall spiritual ugliness that I don't like. I want to change it and I am asking GOD to change ME.  

I am also wondering how to answer people when they ask me if I have any children or if I have any MORE children at home.  I don't want to be Debbie Downer, yet I'll never deny my sons existence. He's waiting for me HOME in heaven.  I LONG for him here on earth but Oh how his little sister is a glimpse of heaven. She brightens our day. Gives so much love and when we pray together, it is the most peaceful moment that I hope to remember for the rest of my life.

God be with you all!

Lost In A Sea Of Bitterness

The anniversary of our sons birth and death has come again.  Jackson would be 3 today.  I have been having the hardest time this year during the month of October.  A week ago I started the whole thought process of how we were celebrating Jackson's life and home-going.  It is and forever will be a bitter-sweet day for me.  I thought the day would go like every other year but for some reason I've hit this block in the road.

I'm wondering if it has something to do with watching Amelia grow.  She has since turned one last month and I can't tell you how fun and exciting it is to be her mother.  I often think of how she and her brother would be as siblings.  Then I quickly turn to a different subject.

When I enjoy the gift of raising Amelia, I can't help but think of missing out on the joy of raising Jackson also.

I've said it once, and I'll say it again...he IS in the garden with Jesus. His life is so much fuller than ours here on earth. I know where he is, I know that he is safe, and I know that we will see him again someday soon.

While I am thankful to God for knowing our son 25 minutes longer than most who lose their children earlier, I find myself going back to the old thought processes of blaming those who could have saved him with earlier intervention had they not sent me home that night.

THIS thought process my friends, will only lead to bitterness and anger. Of which I'm finding myself with lately.  I blame myself, I blame the medical staff, and I sometimes hate myself for not fighting more for the treatment we SHOULD have had that night before the main Dr. called us in that morning to intervene. More and more I go back to that day when we met with the board of directors at the hospital.  I go back to why we never sued in the first place (because we wanted to change policies). Moreover I go over the experiences I had after birthing Amelia and while I fought non-stop every step of the way to advocate for her and I.  I didn't see any difference in policies.

During this month I look back and it makes me feel bitter. As if I lost him and had nothing good come from it. God knows I DID. Had I not done research, had HE not led me to a website for Incompetent Cervix...I would not have Amelia today. Had I not fought for monitoring, went for a second opinion EVEN when the medical staff said I DIDN"T have IC but found out almost the same time that I in fact DID have it.....Amelia wouldn't be here.  Something good DID come out of it.

Then why do I feel so sad?  Why can't I just let this go and be content with what has happened?  Why do I keep bringing up something that won't help in the healing process?  Lastly, why is it taking so long for me to heal?!

I hold my little girl and God has blessed us with such a spirited little girl!  Not only is she spirited but she snuggles like a kuala bear and we can't go ANYWHERE without someone stopping us because "she's smiling" at them. lol  She's a gift to us, but a blessing to others. God KNEW!  He just knew.

For all the pain and grief and bitterness my heart holds.  I also have a deep love, and a thankful heart for this little girl that God blessed me with.  He didn't have to do it.  He answered my prayer and He is showing me minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day that to spite my sinful anger and bitterness...He STILL loves me.

Dear Lord, deliver me from sin and replace it with the "fruit of the spirit". Holy Spirit Reign down on me and fill my cup overflowing.  Bless my friends and family. Let them know thy love and presence.  take away our burdens Lord and lift our spirits through Your mighty hands. In Jesus name I pray...AMEN!

Gods Unfailing Love On Mother's Day

Broken Hearts.  The thing about a broken heart is knowing it's slow to heal.  In many cases, the pain almost NEVER goes away. It's still there, just resides within somewhere. I like to say in the pit of my stomach.  Each new day brings on new healing, wisdom, newfound strength or a love you almost never knew existed.

Today is Mother's Day. A day I'm most grateful for 1. Having the opportunity to conceive not one child but now two.   2. Knowing our son Jackson is with his Heavenly Father if he cannot be with us.  3. Getting the chance to know and bond with both our children.  4. Having an AMAZING husband who has been patient, kind and loving not to mention extremely supportive.

I could honestly go on and on.

The moral of this story is that while I'm celebrating Motherhood. I am yet celebrating Life AND Death. The opportunity to mother our beautiful daughter while also allowing myself to grieve the passing of a big brother Amelia will never have the opportunity to know until she goes home one day to be with the Lord. A son with whom I cherish and think about very often.

No, the pain will NEVER go away, but it does get easier to move forward knowing that one day I too will be home with the Lord and be able to meet my son again. I bask in the joy and delight of the gift that was given to me if only for a short time.

If our new "baby bear" is who you'd like to hear more about, please see my other blog, Sunshine & Lollipops which is specifically dedicated to our lives as a new family. I plan to keep this one as a means of ministry and hope for those women whom like me, wonder if there's hope beyond the pain. My answer is YES!

For the Lord does not abandon anyone forever. Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love."
Lamentations 3:22-26; 31-32

What A Woman Needs To Know

Circle And Bloom is having a giveaway!

  In return of sharing your insights on Women's Health and Wellness on such subjects as PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Infertility, or other issues pertaining to women's health the winner will get a 150.00 American Express card.

Here is my topic:

• What I wish I knew-  Prior to a LONG history of Infertility and a preterm loss in 2009, I wish I knew I had to advocate for my own medical care and seek God and HIS answers instead of relying on just the guess-work of only 1 practitioner.
• What I wish I did- In hindsight, I wish as a young twenty-something that I had been encouraged to seek a second opinion on my fertility diagnosis.  Had I gotten a second opinion, took the initiative to be my own advocate by reading and understanding my rights as a patient  I wouldn't have given up trying to have a baby because I was told it couldn't happen only to learn 8 years later that we were indeed pregnant.
• I am grateful I knew- Enough after the loss of our son preterm, to get records and educate myself on the events leading up to our loss.  I diagnosed myself with an incompetent cervix while fighting for a stitch for my second child.  I fought for that stitch until they decided they knew for sure it was in fact IC up until week 19. If I didn't encourage them to monitor me weekly, our beautiful daughter would have passed away at week 22 like our dear boy did.  You know your bodies ladies!  If something seems wrong, educate yourself and fight for the medical care and bedside manner as a consumer. While Dr.'s are well educated, they sometimes lack the knowledge of how we know our own bodies.
• I am grateful I did- fight for the stitch. Had I not, our daughter wouldn't be here today.
• I would want others to know-The symptoms of an Incompetent Cervix and other issues pertaining to preterm losses.  Please see my resources HERE.  To hear our testimony of how this blog came about please check out the Introduction Page.

Finally, please think about coming back to this page soon and helping me with Jackson's Hope Charity Chain.  My hope is to get started on a project soon which will be distributed to a children's hospital for sick children come July. I chose July for a very special reason which will be shared once the project is up and running. Please become my friend won't you?  

Merry Christmas!

                                               Merry Christmas and A Blessed New Year!