What A Woman Needs To Know

Circle And Bloom is having a giveaway!

  In return of sharing your insights on Women's Health and Wellness on such subjects as PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Infertility, or other issues pertaining to women's health the winner will get a 150.00 American Express card.

Here is my topic:

• What I wish I knew-  Prior to a LONG history of Infertility and a preterm loss in 2009, I wish I knew I had to advocate for my own medical care and seek God and HIS answers instead of relying on just the guess-work of only 1 practitioner.
• What I wish I did- In hindsight, I wish as a young twenty-something that I had been encouraged to seek a second opinion on my fertility diagnosis.  Had I gotten a second opinion, took the initiative to be my own advocate by reading and understanding my rights as a patient  I wouldn't have given up trying to have a baby because I was told it couldn't happen only to learn 8 years later that we were indeed pregnant.
• I am grateful I knew- Enough after the loss of our son preterm, to get records and educate myself on the events leading up to our loss.  I diagnosed myself with an incompetent cervix while fighting for a stitch for my second child.  I fought for that stitch until they decided they knew for sure it was in fact IC up until week 19. If I didn't encourage them to monitor me weekly, our beautiful daughter would have passed away at week 22 like our dear boy did.  You know your bodies ladies!  If something seems wrong, educate yourself and fight for the medical care and bedside manner as a consumer. While Dr.'s are well educated, they sometimes lack the knowledge of how we know our own bodies.
• I am grateful I did- fight for the stitch. Had I not, our daughter wouldn't be here today.
• I would want others to know-The symptoms of an Incompetent Cervix and other issues pertaining to preterm losses.  Please see my resources HERE.  To hear our testimony of how this blog came about please check out the Introduction Page.

Finally, please think about coming back to this page soon and helping me with Jackson's Hope Charity Chain.  My hope is to get started on a project soon which will be distributed to a children's hospital for sick children come July. I chose July for a very special reason which will be shared once the project is up and running. Please become my friend won't you?  

Busy Season And A Bit Of Heartache

Hello everyone!

I haven't forgotten about you.  Things have gotten pretty busy over here so I haven't been on as much these days.  Doug has been doing alot of overtime at work, I've been trying to make meals for those in need either from church or elsewhere while also catching up on some reading. 

Today Doug cut our Pekingese's hair today.  A little choppy poor thing, but at least she looks a bit more clean.  I also got fed up with her shedding.  This year she's started to shed quite alot more.  I don't know if it's our New York winters or just a different year.  I hope to have a picture of her up soon.

I'll be gone for a few more weeks as Dougs family are coming to town and we're hosting a BIG dinner here.  It will be exciting!

For now I'm trying to keep up with the house. 

If you can all keep my friend Wendy in your prayers I'd appreciate it.  We found out that her 23 year old son was stabbed several times while trying to come to the defense of a young girl.  They're investigating everything.  We took a huge tray to her and I filled up a cart with more food and drink as well as cinnamon rolls for breakfast for the crew.  I just held her as she cried. 

My heart goes out to her.  She has many children in her house that were deemed "unadoptable" either because they were too old, or because of a health issue.  Her and her husband have not only fostered them, but adopted them.  Her son was one of those boys.  While some of them have come through tragic circumstances and may have made some wrong decisions, they seemed to have thrived with my friend and her family.  Her son clarence was a bright and kind young man and it breaks my heart that a tragic act of violence took him so young. 

The gift that God gives us is that our children are HOME.  They are waiting for US and are free.  The sadness of it all is that we are the ones left behind and it takes a whole lot of grace from God to get through the grief and anger.  It's God who picks us up when we cannot stand on our own two feet.

I'll never understand the reasoning behind killing another person to get revenge or even why a person would ruin their lives forever by taking a life and going to prison.  There are questions I have that may never be explained until I get to heaven myself.  ((sigh))

Summer is coming, and sadly crime will go up here in the city.  I can't help in my friends own grief, think of all the other mothers and fathers who will go through this same loss because of disrespect for the gift of life.  My only hope is that God will give the love to these teens and young adults that they may not have had in their own homes.  I pray that God would deliver them from sin and that they would walk eternally with Him forever.

Please pray for my friend Wendy as she goes through the funeral plans and through the long grief process of losing a son. 

May God bless you all!!

Waiting Patiently...AGAIN.

NOTE: Scroll to the bottom to mute the music already playing.

God seems to be giving me a "teaching moment" lately.  Something along the lines of waiting.  If you know me, you know I'm not good with "change" nor am I good at being "patient".  In fact, I get somewhat of an anxious heart when plans go awry.

As a child, I seemed to dream my life away per sey.  I was a dancer and planned to become professional, I wanted to get married, buy a home in the country, have children and enjoy life.  I was a bit more anal than I'm sharing right now as I literally had dates and times. 

I remember my grandmother sitting me down one night and sharing that she was worried about me.  She said, "Becky, you are planning your life away.  I'm worried that your setting yourself up for failure. If things don't happen as you plan them, you become disappointed".  Oh how I miss my grandma!  She was SO wise and yet with the wisdom, I just pushed it aside and carried on with "my own plans".

Later, I found out I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome.  I started gaining alot of weight in a VERY short amount of time and soon lost what would have been a great professional career had I not gained so much.  I became depressed when more and more weight came on.  When I couldn't find a date let alone someone I'd marry, I fell deeper and deeper in depression. 

One day, after accepting Christ into my life.  I started finding joy again.  I met some friends in college and one in paticular who became my husband.  Doug was like no other man I had met before.  He was a Christian man, a GOOD man who I now know was hand-picked to be the man I'd fall inlove with and marry.  Little did I know that this man that God hand-picked, would jump behind me at the hospital and help me deliver my baby at 22weeks gestation from an accident a month prior that no medical staff caught in time.

In the end, the baby we'd waited 8 years for, passed away 25 minutes later.  Yet again, another hope and dream demolished.

I don't blame God for any of this.  In fact, HE is what kept it all together.  You see, aside from the accident that took our son, "I" was my own worst enemy.  My need to plan and FIX things so they'd come out the way "I" wanted them to was making a mess out of Gods plan over our lives.  Yes, God still did what He planned, but sometimes I took the blessing out of it all because I wanted to control it myself.

Right now we're going through fertility treatment and all I want to do is control  the outcome.  OH how I wish "I" could tell the Dr.'s what and how to do their jobs.  In this process, I've become more and more aware that God knows what He's doing and will follow through with it.  I also am aware that out of all the heartache I had from prior medical staff, God blessed me with a whole new medical staff that knows who I am when I walk through the door, talks with me, listens to me and has a handle on everything.  The rest is up to God.

Which brings me to this video and the other teaching moment:  Certain things trigger my sadness in the loss I feel for our son Jackson Jeffrey.  It's not women who announce their pregnancies.....that is, as long as they don't take them for granted.  It's usually women who have infants and toddlers or even teenagers who are being abused by the mouths or the hands of their parents.

Today I was pretty upset to find that a local unknown woman gave birth to her baby and threw it in the trash.  The case is still being investigated and we still don't know if the baby was alive or dead upon being thrown in the dumpster, however there are laws protecting babies that will allow mothers to turn their children over to hospitals anonymously and there are programs that will give free medical care and prenatal vitamins to those who are pregnant. I also know of a slew of adoption agencies that would have helped this woman. I can think of one in paticular.

In my opinion there is no excuse for something like this to happen.  My heart aches because while some women take for granted the lives they conceive, there are MANY like myself who long to bare a child or even hold a child through adoption in their arms.

God knows my heart and also knows I have a hard time grasping this.  I came across another Steven Curtis Chapman song that blessed my heart.  Again, it's the second song this week that speaks of "waiting".  Only this time instead of waiting for a child here on earth, waiting to also be with our children who are in heaven.  I needed to hear this today.  That little baby that passed away and was dumped IS in heaven with my son romping around in the garden and listening to Jesus as He tells the story of HOPE.

before I end, I just want to take the time to pray for the mother who abandoned here baby and ask that the Lord speak to her, that she would come to know Him and that He would find a way into her life in Jesus name...AMEN!

I waited patiently for the LORD;
   he turned to me and heard my cry.  Psalm 40:1

Jackson Jeffrey's Butterfly Release

I wanted to share this with everyone.

In the midst of all the pain, I have found MANY women who've lost children. While sad, it's become a community of loving women and some men too, who've wanted to make a difference in the lives of those who've had rainbow babies or miscarriages etc. One such woman is the person who raises butterflies and releases them in memory of grieving parents everywhere. What a blessing it is to see a male Monarch released in memory of our son's LIFE.
Praise be to God!

Still Healing

It's been about 7 months and my heart still cries out for my son. Oh, it's better than it used to be. Hours of not sleeping and screaming out for my baby in the am's or the first time making love to my husband only to uncontrollably be crying. I wonder what he must have felt during those moments?!

There are still moments that trigger tears. A woman walking out the door as she slams her kid in a door and says the f-word without knowing what a blessing she has, seeing children born on or about the time Jackson was. The emptyness I feel when someone walks by me with a stroller. Quiet moments when all I do is stare at Jackson's picture and wonder what he's doing with Jesus, then as I ask our Lord and Savior to kindly share with my son that I love him, miss him and to please kiss him for mommy.

Life goes on YES. I'm sure the years will pass. But not a day or moment will go by that I don't think about my precious son in heaven.

Sometimes you'll find me in the cemetary just quietly walking around. I have comfort that there is much history in our cemetary and sadly many MANY women lost their children young. Like today, there are many who have lost more than one child and I just cannot imagine it.

Some may say I'm being too graphic with my post. I write because I share with others like me. Those who bore a child and wonder what to feel or how they'll move on. Making love to your spouse is a natural thing and sadly it's something that can cause much emotion after a premature loss. I'm sure we could take it a bit further to say any loss is a great loss.

The good thing in all this, is that while my heart still aches, my spirit knows I must move on. It's bitter-sweet that we move forward to try again knowing that my dear boy isn't with us. When people ask me if I have children I say yes. We have a dear angel baby waiting for us with Jesus. I don't mean a REAL angel of course. I won't get into that talk....but our son is very much himself and very much in heaven enjoying himself and honestly what I could give him here, well, there's no comparison.

I'm still working on his memorial quilt and can't wait to finish it so I can show you. Sadly It may not get finished until wintertime because our landlord foreclosed on all his properties and we have to be out by the end of June. Which leaves us packing YET AGAIN.

We had planned to start looking for a home of our own again in July. But with the time crunch, it's just not wise to buy in desperation and anything we rent now most likely will need a lease. So again we wait until another year to buy. I know God's timing is good so maybe there's a home out there He wants us to wait on. I'm at peace, I just long for stability and can't wait to have a home of our own where we're not paying over the top for our dogs or rent and where we won't have to be concerned when ppl foreclose.

Please keep us in prayer with this matter because he has refused to give us our 1195.00 deposit back and has even gone as far to say he'll file bankruptcy if any of his tenants file suit.We plan to file small claims court and may join a joint suit but are still praying on it.

We still have part of Jackson's stone to pay for and a small amount left on the second plot to place the stone we had hoped to have in by the end of this month.

I have no idea where we're moving, how we'll deal with the finances or anything else for that matter. I am tired, spent and emotional. I DO love God though, and I know He has everything covered. I just have a hard time grasping with my fleshy mind, how it will all come together.

I miss my Jackson. As we pack, I stare at the boxes filled with boys clothes and nursery items. Then there's his memorial board with our picture and comments from everyone who left kind thoughts for us.
I cry for my boy, but I smile thinking one day I'll see him again. He's in our future not our past, and it's refreshing to know it's not the end.

Blessings Dear Friends!

Making A Difference Through The Pain

 This has been such a process. Grieving.  Those of you who've lost a loved one can certainely understand. Watching a child as he or she passes to heaven is just unthinkable.

I'm finding more and more that I'm able to BREATHE again. To know the hope we have through Jesus Christ that Doug and I will see our son again.  We'll reach heaven's gates, run for him, hold him in our arms and walk towards the Lord as we sit at His feet and hear His stories. As we glorify Him and maybe even learn the answers to those questions we have had here on earth.

We have an appointment with the hosptial soon.  We were asked if we'd feel comfortable sharing our experience with the Board Of Directors. Of course I said, YES! This is what I said I wanted to do since the day Jackson Jeffrey took his last breath.  I knew I couldn't do it right away.  But I knew I wanted to do this with hope that other parents would benefit from our great loss and disappointing experiences.

My desire is to take this to other hospitals in the state, maybe research hospitals here that don't have labor and delivery units and aren't even equipped to handle emergency cases and somehow help them as the woman from NJ did for the hospitals in her state.  Maybe we as grieving parents can ban together to make sure these procedures are brought to every hospital nationally. Not through nationalized healthcare...but somehow the hands of those who've been there have seemed to "just do it" and have seen the need and jumped in to change.  Continuing to be angry won't bring our children back.  What we CAN do is honor their memory by making a difference.

As I ask the Lord to help me put to words what we've experienced, I find a sense of healing. Over the last couple of months I've learned to knit and am working on a long term project in memory of our son.

I'm also hoping to move my blog (DONE), somehow get finances together for the graphics I know I want and create a charity site in Jackson Jeffrey's honor to help not just grieving families, but I may take it a step further eventually.  Right now I'm getting my ideas together and hope this will be a long-term project to share our sons memory even in his short life.

You see, even though he spent 25 short minutes with us in our arms, he was still a life.  He still changed our lives forever and Praise God, will share hope and love with those in need even beyond his litte life here on earth.

I am SO proud of my son.

Thank you God for our little guy. Thank you for your unconditional love for us, your peace, your strength and providing even when I doubted you. Thank you for our friends and family, for those who have given of themselves to help us heal and thank you for the hope and future we have in You Lord Jesus. I pray that You would continue to do a good work in us and that we may think of others before ourselves. Especially me Lord. Oh how I fall short sometimes.  But I am so grateful for Jesus. Thank You!

Celebrating Our Son

Today is my due date.  The day Doug and I had dreamed for quite some time.  Instead of dwelling on the crushed hopes and dreams we had for Jackson Jeffrey, I decided I wanted to celebrate something.  I didn’t just want this day to go by.  However, I also know that even though he’s not right here….there IS something to celebrate.  The fact that one day Doug and I will be reunited with Jackson in heaven and be able to share our love for our Lord together. 

In honor of our dear boy, I had Mrs. Fields make a cake with angel’s wings. It came out beautiful!  Then We had a few balloons made and I added Jackson’s name, REAL birthdate and if found, our address.  Then we let the balloons sore into the sky.  It was a beautiful site.

One Red- To celebrate our unending love and Gods unending love for US

One White-representing Jackson’s trip heaven-bound

A Gold –representing Doug, Bright Green for Mommy (me) and baby blue for our darling boy. Which we tied together and sent up to represent our eternal bond thanks to Jesus Christ.

It was a bitter-sweet moment for Doug and I.  To let go of our hopes and dreams for Jackson here on earth, but to have also found  a sense of peace because through our Hope in Christ we WILL see our son again.  He IS alive.  He’s just in Heaven.

A Call From The Hospital On Our Due Date

So today, on what would have been Jackson Jeffrey's due date, I finally got a call from Crouse Hospital.

It seems that there was miscommunication between a couple of people and I  was missed.  I sat for just about an hour chatting with the Director Of Guest Services about things that needed to be changed concerning bureaving parents.  I let her know I wanted to help and would volunteer in any way.

I was floored when she mentioned our experience moved her in such a way that she wanted to make sure no other parent had to go through some of the things we went through. I now have an appointment with not only the Director Of Guest Services, but will be presenting our experience to The director of Chief Quality, The Director of Nursing, The Director of Billing, And a couple more I cannot remember.

I just about fainted!  I didn't think I'd get past customer service...but my story has already begun to bring faces and names to those in positions to make a CHANGE.  This has been my hope since the death of our son. That NO OTHER bereaving parent would have to go through what we have.  To change policies, bring communication and bring some compassion to a tragic event.

Believe it or not, having spoken with other bureaving famlies, our local Syracuse hospitals, while they need work in certain areas, have MUCH more than many smaller hospitals.  I've met a dear family who because the hospital wasn't equipped with neonatal care nor any labor and delivery units or Dr.'s, she and her husband were thrown in a utility closet to deliver preterm.  They had no camera's for pictures of their little baby, no blankets, no little hats, no fetal monitors, no way to tell when her childs heartbeat stopped.

This shouldn't happen in our hospitals here in America!  I know there are funding issues, but even this family took it upon themselves to create boxes filled with paper, ink for the infants feet, a box for the bureaving families as well as information for each hospital.  21 hospitals in her state of New Jersey.

I would like to take this Nationally to be sure no bureaving parent has to go through anymore than they must.  Right now I'm starting slow....and over time I have many ideas to honor our son's memory by helping others.  But never did I expect that we would be meeting with so many Directors in the same room.  To actually be a part of REAL CHANGE so that no other family endures what we have. 

It's a step in the right direction when a hospital cares about the quality of their care enough to meet and work together to create real change for their patients.  Especially the little ones who we advocate for.

I did fine until I hung up.  Tears fell as I whiped them away and prayed that little ol' me and my dear husband could make an impact on someone's life.  I'm really not anybody special.  I just don't want to leave this world having never helped to impact anothers life or bless someone and let them know we care.

What a final blessing of the day to get this phone call. I pray I can represent other families and the children we advocate for and that I come across with grace and intelligence.

Climbing a HUGE Barrier One Step At A Time.

Today I called the hospital and spoke with the CEO's executive secretary Wendy. I did this to get the ball rolling on a promise I made when we watched our son go home to be with Jesus.

This is a HUGE emotional and spiritual obsticle for me as there have been MANY a hill to climb since October and the fact that I haven't much trust for Dr.s these days.  My heart longs to set things straight so that no other grieving parent ever has to endure what we have.

The past few months I've gone from a deep depression, to blaming myself, blaming others, anger, RAGE, and now while my heart still cries out for our son Jackson, my heart and spirit are finally able to do what my mind has told me needs to happen in order to move forward.

This is THE hardest part of the whole ordeal because I DON'T WANT to move forward without my baby! I don't want to leave my hopes and dreams for him behind. The fact that I would be holding him soon, playing with him as a toddler, watching him grow to be a man and cry at his wedding as he takes a vow to love, honor and charish his wife before God.

Truth is, Jackson is LIVING in heaven. So it's time to LIVE here on earth and find joy here on earth even in trials.

So as I held the phone close, shaking. Wondering what in the world I would say. Trying to keep myself calm and focused. I found the person on the other side of the phone (Wendy) to be a voice of compassion. I did not hollar, nor did I point a finger. I held myself exactly as I had hoped I'd be. We can't change things if we're not willing to be a part of that change.

I wrote a list of things along the way that happened, and rewrote (probably will do it again) in order to get my point across to change some policies to help other grieving families in the future. I have several other calls to make to be sure that I'm understanding some things correctly before I present them to the hospital staff.
THEN, I plan to offer my own experiences in helping to implant these new policies and volunteer if they need any help to do so.

I'm not quite sure HOW this will all play out in the end, but I DO hope that some new policies will be put in place and some organization in other areas.

I'm not God nor is there anything really special about me to think that "I" am some great person in all this. I know I'm not. In fact, many of you have seen a part of me that's not quite pleasant to be around. I'm not blind to this. But I see God working in my life and in my husbands life to bring healing and to teach. Faith, Trust and HOPE. Something while I "say" I have, a person with HOPE doesn't hold themselves in fear and hopelessness. God is a source of STRENGTH beyond measure and filled with HOPE.

I was reminded yesterday that Special Olympics is taking place soon. Lets look at these folks young and old and see that while they have disabilities of some sort, they look PAST them to be who they ARE. That is not only inspiring, but convicting as well. That they find HOPE and have much FAITH to overcome obsticles that are everyday for them. Yet they overcome victoriousely.

In the end, I can either hold on to the pain and anger, OR I can let it go and TRUELY make a difference in the lives of others which will enable me to find TRUE acceptance of a tragedy and change the course.
This month, I have taken the sock I wanted to knit in my grieving and took a class to finish it. I have the leg and foot done and now working on the toe.

I purchased two different materials to make Jackson's memorial quilt.
I called the hospital to make an appointment in order to share ways they can change with hopes to help other grieving families in the future.

There's more on my list to accomplish, but I'm well on my way and am quite proud of how far both my husband and I have come in such a short period of time.

Thought-Provoking Joyfulness

This weekend has been an interesting one. While I'm feeling more alert and having a less cloudy mind for the most part, I am so wired at night I can't sleep. Then by the time I start to feel sleepy, my husband is deeply sleeping and in snoring mode.

So the past few days I've been overtired and grumpy. Most of this I've noticed is because my bloodsugar is out of whack and I'm either way too low (hence the grumpy feeling) or way too high.  I also struggle with Seasonal Disorder as many Northerners face each year during the winter months.

Saturday was my last sock class for "knitting in the round" I had a great time with the women chatting while creating my own sock. Now I have a leg and am almost done with the foot then on to the toe. I'm quite pleased with the outcome. It's not totally bad, in fact it LOOKS like a sock. I must admit that I took on quite the project for a newbie. I mean, a scarf would have been much easier. But I'm SO grateful that I took this project on and finished it to the end without fear. I DID, however feel quite icky from the low I had from not sleeping the night before. It makes me quite proud that I pushed through it.

Sunday was a totally different story altogether. I DIDN'T make it to church. This is seeming to become more of a "spiritual battle" than anything. I think I've made it once or twice the past several weeks. All because there was either inability to sleep or I had severe anxiety and depression which caused an inability to sleep with all these things on my mind. I had my husband go without me this weekend. Church time is important to me because it's a way to be fed the Word of God. Oh, don't get me wrong, sitting in a pew doesn't make a person anymore Christian if they don't really KNOW Christ, but what it does do is strengthen your relationship with Him once you do. It enables me to grow in Gods word and teachings with an opportunity to share in friendship with those who also know Him. Lets face it, the world isn't necessarily a fun place to live. We see things happen to good people. Illnesses, natural occurances like what happened in Haiti or down south with Katrina where there was nobody to blame for a storm. It's those we surround ourselves with who know Jesus that enable us to remember Gods promises. They help where there is a need and are a delight in troubled times. It's good to surround ourselves with like-minded people who love the Lord.

So when something as simple as sleep or anxiety causes me to miss time in Gods presence in His house to learn more of His word, It's frustrating for me. I struggle with it. Unfortunately satan knows our weaknesses and plays on them. We can either allow him to or focus on Christ.

So here is my learning experience for the weekend...I'm finding "attitude" is the biggest issue. I've been noticing that my attitude isn't the most positive one. In fact, "worse case scenareo" plays in my mind most often. I want to protect myself from pain. The issue here is that in reality, bad things DO happen. It's the attitude we keep through it all that matters.

Finding joy in the midst of our sorrows. NOT happiness. I've learned that Happiness is derived from certain HAPPENINGS. Happiness is an emotion that lasts only temporarily. JOY is finding a positive attitude and focusing on something higher (God) with great HOPE. Joy is an attitude of the heart.
Going through a valley doesn't mean we have to pretend we are happy. We can be in a "valley" and still find a positive attitude of Great hope in our hearts.

It's something I'm really starting to understand. NOW if I can start putting that to practice. Isn't it sometimes hard putting things into practice? I'm finding that to have a healthy life, we must put body, mind and spirit in balance, not just visually injesting what we should be doing but actually putting them to practice.
One might say not just talking, but walking.

Rejoicing In Our Sufferings-Finding Acceptance In A Healthy Way

Today has been an interesting day emotionally. Counseling was emotionally exhausting. I'm not a fan of psychoanalysis. In fact, watching our foster teens as they were overdrugged instead of dealing with their underlying issues really put a bad taste in my mouth of the industry.

Christian Counseling though has been quite the different outcome though. I'm NOT drugged, in fact, dealing with issues like the death of our son, and some other private matters has made it quite confusing and in some cases, frustrating. It's a known fact that I'm afraid. Lately I see just how fear has changed my train of thought throughout the years. It's become a HUGE part of me and when I feel out of control with fear...I get ANGRY.

Todays session was about anger. Specifically about dealing with unmet expectaions, hurt and anger instead of in a NEGATIVE way...which is NEVER accepting that things can sometimes NOT be changed, -OR- in a POSITIVE way of acceptance Externally...i.e. maybe changing things physically, Internally the way we think, and finally spiritually.

In this case, the counselor not only deals with the emotional aspect of the problem but the SPIRITUAL as well as the physical. He gave the foundation as Romans 5:1-5

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. . .

((here's the part that is SO hard for me to sometimes comprehend))

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

I mean, who wants to suffer ANY kind of trial?? Yet trials enable us to "grow up". To persevere. As the above scripture says, that when we persevere through a trial, we are building character.....who we become because of those trials. Who we become shows HOPE not hopelessness...but Triumph and HOPE. Which in the end, will NOT disappoint us because God LOVES us, not because He dislikes us, but because there is HOPE.

It's hard to grasp why we go through trials and even why some do and some don't. I guess looking at this scripture we must count it all joy in this growth. In the end, we find a sort of TRIUMPH. In living a life without trial, life would seem boring and there would be NOBODY with any sort of difference. We'd all think the same, be the same and NEVER have anything to share with the world.

I think of how many GREAT people came from trials and sacrifice.
-Lance Armstrong who not only overcame cancer, but used that opportunity to overcome other obsticles and help through his own experiences,
-Senator John McCain who was tortured and took that opportunity to serve his constituents ( no matter your politics, someone that overcomes torture in serving his country is Honorable),
-Jesus. Who in suffering and in HIS death and ressurection as well as His ascension into heaven...His sacrifice bridged the gap between heaven and hell for all believers.

Just to name a few.

So while working through some rough patches in my life, there is much to be thankful for. There IS peace and joy through the "valley". Just gotta have eyes, ears and the right attitude to find them.

New Beginnings

Good news!  While there are still some issues going on, both physically, emotionally and spiritually, I'm starting to BREATHE again and looking forward to starting the new decade on a more positive foot.

Depression that has been lingering since October has left me in a "worse case scenario" outlook on life. You know the deal....the what if's, the why's and instead of focusing on a positive outlook...waiting for the worst to happen. I wasn't really sure I'd ever get out of it. But today is yet another day that I'm able to enjoy life again. Yesterday was even better spending the day with my husband.

I shared the last time that I was scheduled for a surgery that didn't exhist from a Dr. who closed up shop. Well, I got into an emergency appointment last week and after looking at EVERYTHING, the OB said I didn't have any parts of the placenta left and everything was going to be alright. No surgery needed. Bitter-sweet news. As what Dr. would suggest a D&C that wasn't needed after having been told of tragic events of a miscarriage and the need to move forward with closure?

I've been having pain on the left side of my chest thanks to the bcp's that Dr. put me on and the new OB took me right off them. I have to wait for the meds to get out of the system with hopes this pain goes away soon.

The good news? In a month, we have a discussion on where we'd like to go. Obviousely we'd like to try again. Part of me is scared, but there's no room for fear. How can one find joy if we suffocate from fear of taking any kind of risk at all?

There's more good news. After going to the new Endochrinologist (my second new Dr.) I received results from the labs this Sat. My thyroid levels are wonderful, my hemoglobin A1C is EXCELLENT at 6.4. My goal is in the 5's for TIGHT control. Coming from 9.0 a year before Jackson was conceived and having been in the low 7's while carrying him, I'd say this is an excellent start to EXCELLENT control. Especially if we plan to try again!

The only thing that I wasn't expecting was that he took a Vitmain D level and I have a Vitmain D deficiency. This is THE FIRST TIME I've ever been checked for this by any Dr. and I've suspected it for about 5 years as during the winter I felt like I had SAD. My level is 21 and I looked up numbers. Normal is between 50-80. I'm extremely low! So I've been prescribed 50thousand Units of the vitamin. WOWEE! This is once weekly then once monthly after.

Finding this is absolutely WONDERFUL because there are several things that this will help. I haven't slept without medication since October. This happens during winter where I can't sleep. It should level hormones and there are other helpful thing that could come from this as well.

All in all, between these lab results, the OB appointment next month, the fact that we're seeking counseling for the emotional aspects and after affects to the miscarriage, and finally seeking God through it all.....I do believe that I may be on my way to recovery. This is excellent and I can't help but have a great attitude!
I haven't been on much because there's been alot going on in the past few weeks.

This week I plan to make an appointment for the chiropractor, the dentist for us both, and order contacts. Spring I plan to make the eye dr. appointment and continue to walk, walk, walk!

So ((BREATHING)) today I feel Great! I see light through all that darkness and of course God has given me HOPE and a future. I look forward to this year of renewal of mind, body and spirit. Gods presence in my life and looking at even the harder things in life with a hopeful attitude instead of hopeless. God is all about Hope.

Before I go, I'd also like to share that I've taken on some peaceful past-times to help in the healing process. November I got it in my head I wanted to knit socks. I bought the yarn and couldn't get it. I took a class and met a LOVELY bunch of women and I'm proud to say I have not just the cuff, but the leg of the sock finished.

THEN, to add to the healing process, I decided to start a "memory quilt" in memory of Jackson Jeffrey.
His room was going to be Beatrix Potter's Petter Rabbit and Friends, so I chose that fabric for the center divide of the squares, and Doug picked out the cutest little pattern of Peter and His friends for the bottom divide. Now I have to pick out meaningful squares to surround what will be a square with his name, birthdate and picture.

THIS ladies and gentlemen, will take some time. It's not just another quilt, and has SO much meaning. Not to mention healing in it. Once it's finished, I hope to share it with everyone and plan to work with MY experience to help other bureaving parents. One step at a time though! Just wanted to share a bit of my life with you as God works to heal not just our bodies, but our minds and spirits as well. Something long-awaited, and will take as much time as needs to.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

. Hebrews 11:1

Dealing with Worry and Anxiety Scripturally to get through the pain

Pastor Bill gave a sermon today that spoke to many of us...but I felt as though it was specifically for me. I guess I can share it here with everyone.

He went into Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

He explained 4 things God says through that passage:
1. Prohibition- He prohibits us to worry which causes anxiety. Worrying will NEVER help.
2. Promise- God promises that we'll find peace which surpasses ALL understanding and guard our heart and minds if we follow HIS guidance above.
3. Provide- He provides PROTECTION and will provide for our every mean. Our needs.
4. Preserve- If we fix our eyes on GOD first. Pray to Him BEFORE we have that crying fit of angst (which I haven't quite gotten yet), He will preserve our minds, our hearts, our spirits and everything else because we've sought HIM and HE's the one with the strength, the means to overcome.

Finally, I thought to myself...how the heck do I remember to do this when I feel overwhelmed with grief, anger and an inability to control my own environment?

Pastor reminded me of the following in philippians verse 8:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

There are other references if anyone would like to check them. I won't post the full scriptures...I'll let you look them up:
Matthew 6:27
Proverbs 12:27 is an AWESOME teaching tool that spoke to me too.
Psalm 37:7-8
Psalm 56:3-4
Psalm 94:18-19

The Plot Thickens...

I'm still in shock and there's MUCH more to this than I can reveal...I'm still angry, confused..pretty much a basket-case but PRAISING GOD. I had no idea His plan in all this but the Dr.'s license was revoked.

My heart aches at the hope he gave us as a "Christian" Dr. and the procedure I STILL need done...but God provided protection from a potentially hazardous situation.  I may be deeply DEEPLY upset and betrayed....but God knew what HE was doing and made it clear even though my heart WANTED this.

Praise be to God and I'm just continuing to pray for emotional and spiritual as well as physical renewal.  This has added to such sadness, yet I am grateful to God for loving me even when I didn't understand!

Something To Help Ease The Pain

Knitting In The Round

Picture and tutorial by Knitty.com
Went to Knitting in the round class to learn the method in order to finish knitting the socks I started. Therapy so to speak.  While early, I seemed to get up and make it to the class.  I must say the class didn't first start out the greatest. I was behind with casting on and it only got worse with one of my neighbors who decided she needed to figit with her feet up n down while counting ALL her stitched, getting confused and starting over again when she lost count. THIS in tern caused ME to lose count and in the corner of my eye, see her foot stomp a million times fidgiting.  Drove me up the WALL. Haha

I suppose I needed the laugh today though.  Once I tilted a bit and tried to block her counting I started getting it.  I'll most likely go to the store on Monday for extra help as there is a two week gap and I'm noticing one side in the round is missing stitches and it's driving me up the wall!

 It's funny though how God puts others in our midst who DO support us at unexpected times.  A friend of mine from Idaho who called me as I balwed yesterday, and even my knitting group today...my first knitting class and here was the teacher going through her own trial with her parents health failing, another woman making helmet covers in honor of her loved one who passed from the war, a mother who was dealing with fertility, another one empty nester.  We all just met today and yet there was peace in that time of learning to do something...to make something with our hands and finding the ability to encourage each other through knitting to relax and find joy.

Three of us have decided to start a Saturday Sock Knit-in after our last class.  My other neighbor at the class?  The empty-nester?  She's a quilter and after hearing another idea I had,  is going to help me start a project that I'll be posting in a month or two that "could" help others too.  I'm getting my supplies and learning FIRST so I can share later my intention.

So I found a moment of peace, more time to heal and time to come down from the crying fit of rage I had yesterday.  Today, God has given me a clearer mind and is guiding our footsteps to safety. Not really sure yet how all this is playing out...but I know He knows.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Doug and I trudged through the snow as we visited Jackson Jeffrey's grave.  For the winter, we added a simplistic cross made out of twigs, some pine cuttings and hollyberries.  We made a heart in the snow.

The candle in the snow was placed there one day and we didn't know how it got there.  All of a sudden a woman came over, hugged me and started to cry.

"You've been on my mind", she said.  Turns out she too lost her little girl at 22 weeks gestation.  We had alot in common. Then she proceeded to tell us her mom had passed away without notice from cancer.  her WHOLE family purchased plots the first two rows and she will be our neighbor when we are laid to rest.

I found it neat.  The place is beautiful and peaceful.  I find solace there thinking of Jackson being with Jesus if he can't be with us.

Meeting our new friend was bitter-sweet, but I look forward to getting to know her and her family.

Rest in Peace Dear Loved Ones.  May Jesus continue to comfort those left behind!

Raw Anger and Disappointment In The Medical Community and A Little Self-Pity

I received news today that has absolutely DEVISTATED me to the point of not knowing who to trust anymore.  I wonder what I've done?  Why can't we seem to get a break somewhere.

Many of you now know that I've found closure with the latest OB who gave us the news that Jackson's death wasn't due to the diabetes or hypothyroid but in fact from a missed mucus plug that was shed.  He put me on BCP's for a month, had me skip the last week and continue with the following months to get the lining thick for the surgery (D&C) I was supposed to have on Tuesday.

Haven't heard from him, I had my husband call this morning for the official time of surgery on Tuesday to get rid of the rest of the placenta only to find He closed up shop.

He NEVER even called me?! So here I am taking BCP's thickening my lining for a surgery I'm not having with placenta pieces in my body that has made me ill.  ALL pertaining from Octobers mess of losing our son Jackson Jeffrey.

I'm FRUSTRATED.  Honestly this is toned down a WHOLE LOT.  I feel abandoned....wonder why with Gods power and strength He just can't give me a bit of room to breathe.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle....Ummmmm I'm not going there.  I'm on my KNEES begging for mercy here and I'm sick and tired of being every Dr.'s guinea pig!  Not only was this closure for health reasons...but it gave that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe we could try again. 

We were perfectly FINE to adopt all these years.  It was our plan!  Still is someday when the financial means becomes available.

Then the beautiful miracle of Jackson came and he was taken from us so soon.  I want to adopt....I'd LOVE a mansion full of children at this point but I also want that opportunity to experience pregnancy and a full term birth with a child we can watch grow long into adulthood. 

I want to adopt...yet the cost is either too far out of reach for us or the process dictates how thin I must be, how many other children I can or cannot have in the home or continues to throw abused children back with their parents only to send them back at an age that will make it hard for them to mainstream back into a structured environment.

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement.  I NEED closure from my sons death already.  I need NOT to feel sick everyday...I want to be without nosebleeds at night or dryheaving because I can't catch my breath from missing my son who didn't have to die had anyone listened to me.  Most importantly I think of the children I long to have......The ones through conception and the ones who struggle right now and are waiting to be in my arms through adoption.

I grieve for THEIR mommies and pray for them too. It's not easy to give your child/ren to someone else.  It's an honor to BE a mom and just as much an honor when you get the opportunity to raise a child someone else put THEIR trust for you to raise. I know in some circumstances it's not with their permission and they just couldn't be what their children needed at that time...but I STILL pray for these women.
I'm confused and angry and UGH!

If you learn ONE thing from this situation.  NEVER take for granted the children you DO have.  Go hug your babies .  Remind them you support them and hear them and pray for them and while life isn't always easy, you'll be there for them. 

Know that life is precious and that not everyone has the blessed opportunity to have or hold a child.  Not even adoption or fostercare system is easy.  It's amazing how many people would like an opportunity yet get thrown around as they continue to throw the kids around the system for the almighty buck to help the state and NOT the child.

So my heart hurts and I'm left abandoned yet again. I just wonder where God is in all this?? I know He's here, He just seems so far away.  I feel a wall separating us. One in which I put up due to my own fear, anger, resentment and RAGE.

A Glimpse Of Healing

Today, to spite the fact that I was on edge all morning and scuffing my feet around, I found our first counseling appointment to be quite healing.

There is obviously some issues both of us have to deal with concerning our sons death. I, obviousely am the more vocal one dealing with pretty bad anger, rage and trust issues. I trust absolutely NOBODY. I love my husband, but the past years events have only made my trust issues even harder to deal with in our marriage. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my husband. It's not a matter of divorce or anything. Just a matter of communication issues pertaining to the events in our lives. I, have to learn how to communicate and listen to my husband and HE needs to learn to communicate and not dodge confrontation with just about everyone. He's just a peaceful guy. He wants everything to be better, he doesn't like confrontation or chaos. But then, who does really?

I felt bad for the poor counselor as I shed the anger today. Anger with my inlaws, the hospital, my own parents, myself. shoot. I'm just MAD!

After all was said and done though, I left with a HUGE block off my shoulder. I felt like I could sleep for days. I'm whiped out!

Because of the issues we've been facing, he said he'd like to see us again next week, after my surgery. He'll also be seeing us between our anniversary/sons due date.

We were going to go FAR, far away for an anniversary. I'd like FIJI. Haha, but we can't afford it and I'd really like to be near our two little dogs too. just being together means alot to me right now. SO, we're making a SPA appointment. Spare no expense I say! I'm getting the works. My husband, who loathes anything "metrosexual" for a burly guy is doing this for me. It's a couples spa day. I must say, while he's opting OUT of the Parafin treatment and teh darn foot massage, he WILL accept the back massage. I say, "do as you please, I'll be getting the works...pass the champagne please! Oh, and the berries too".

So today, while emotionally taxing. I think this counseling is going to help us both. As much as I need "anger management" he needs to know how to speak up to certain people without feeling intimidated. Which I don't seem to have a problem with. My issue? Let me deck them all for the pain they've caused. Give me a snowball and let me wrip em! Hand me my dishes and let me hear them break in the driveway. Anything that will help in the healing.

I hear ya...no amount of violence will help or bring back my son. Haha I need racket ball or some sort of dodgeball to take my frustrations out. Haha
Praying for the new year to bring a newfound healing

Hospital Commercial Puts Me Over The Edge

The past two days, their commercial claims to be the best hospital for prenatal/postnatal and emergency care for infants.

I see an infant that was delivered through emergency C-section that they said they saved.
I see one that was delivered preterm that they saved.
a set of twins they saved.
And another one I can't remember.
How do I feel???  I'm PISSED OFF! 

Then why was I asked to stay or leave by the intern who said they couldn't do anything because I was short a week and a half.  Why did they say they were just going to wait until he was born and there was NOTHING they could do??  Why was I given that option and WHY didn't they call the attending or the perinatal physicians who would have started right away to try and stop the dialating instead of waiting until the next day when it's too late and my water breaks?

Why did we have to go to the 7th floor where they wheeled a new born baby boy past us...while we had to fill out Jackson's Death certificate? 

Why don't they provide any clothing that fit a child that small instead of leaving a mom feeling as though she fell short to provide even the smallest of clothing for her child not to mention fell short of trying to fight for his life?!

Finally, Why is it that just this week, we receive a letter with a bill attatched demanding we provide Jackson's Health Insurance card or PAY UP Including state TAX?!  In fact, how is it they even got his name when his name wasn't even acknowledged when asked.  Baby boy S. was the name.   Oh, we called them to let them know we DON'T HAVE a card...that our son is DEAD.  We demanded to know how this mistake happened when they couldn't seem to jot down even his name while he was alive!  We demanded an apology as well.

I keep saying this over and over and over again.  I AM going to contact the head CEO.  I don't want another parent going through what we have and are going through.  However, I'm waiting so I can go in with a level head and with some sort of tact and gentleness to offer my help with the experience we've had.

But what I DON'T want to see is how you saved all these baby's lives and refused to save MY CHILD!

A Raw and Unfiltered Healing Process

Tomorrow is our first counseling session. I am pretty nervous about it. Ok, REALLY nervous about it.
I'm usually pretty good about TALKING. THIS though, is a whole other ball game. I'm not really used to telling my inner thoughts to someone I don't know. Right now, this person that's inside me is hurt, REALLY angry, and pretty darn confused.

My husband is a quiet man, and thus doesn't say a whole lot. I think he needs this time. He deals with my depression lately, my rage, the anger at his parents, my parents, his friends who screwed us this past summer and to tell you the truth, he's trying SO hard to keep things together.

I can't imagine how he's kept it together this long without either bailing on me or losing it himself.
The day we found out that the reason all this happened was due to the mucus plug shedding because his dad was impatient and having road rage...not only drew me to RAGE, but to watch my husband break down in tears on the way back home just shed new light on just how much pressure the man is under.

I, at least, vent my anger. I'm MAD! No matter how mad I get though, it won't bring our son back. The son we've waited over 8 years for. And for what? Because his grandfather refused to be patient?! A man that has 7 other grandchildren. 5 from one son and new twins from the other......and he couldn't be patient enough to keep a child who was to be his grandson safe and healthy? What right has he to be that selfish?! Someone who preaches the gospel, yet refuses to even acknowledged HE caused the death of our son. No, I'm NOT HAPPY! I won't pretend everything is good at Christmas. It's NOT!

How though, can I deal with my own anger, my own sadness in the grieving process when my poor husband is trying to hold it together with the pressure from work (he's an RN), the anger we both feel towards both sets of parents, the sadness we feel, and the heartache we feel in wondering if we'll ever be able to conceive another child again.

As a believer of Christ, I try to put my full faith in Him and say, " He knows my desires and will provide again". But I also find myself saying, "Lord, I believe, but HELP my unbelief". That quote was from a father in the Bible who's son had passed away and as he asked Jesus to bring him back, Jesus told Him to BELIEVE...have FAITH. That's when the father said that to Jesus. Needless to say, if you've read that, you KNOW that the boy was miraculously brought back to life by Jesus.

There's alot of healing to be done. The healing process is RAW. It's not something you just get over. It takes time. But I pray I may step back for a moment and allow my husband to speak so that HE may heal too. There will be plenty of time for me to speak. I'm doing it right here.

I think this is a part of the healing process. A part of getting healthy. It's not JUST about exercise and weightloss. I think it's about balance and healing comes not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. When all three are taken care of, I think that overall health and wellness takes place.