Raw Anger and Disappointment In The Medical Community and A Little Self-Pity

I received news today that has absolutely DEVISTATED me to the point of not knowing who to trust anymore.  I wonder what I've done?  Why can't we seem to get a break somewhere.

Many of you now know that I've found closure with the latest OB who gave us the news that Jackson's death wasn't due to the diabetes or hypothyroid but in fact from a missed mucus plug that was shed.  He put me on BCP's for a month, had me skip the last week and continue with the following months to get the lining thick for the surgery (D&C) I was supposed to have on Tuesday.

Haven't heard from him, I had my husband call this morning for the official time of surgery on Tuesday to get rid of the rest of the placenta only to find He closed up shop.

He NEVER even called me?! So here I am taking BCP's thickening my lining for a surgery I'm not having with placenta pieces in my body that has made me ill.  ALL pertaining from Octobers mess of losing our son Jackson Jeffrey.

I'm FRUSTRATED.  Honestly this is toned down a WHOLE LOT.  I feel abandoned....wonder why with Gods power and strength He just can't give me a bit of room to breathe.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle....Ummmmm I'm not going there.  I'm on my KNEES begging for mercy here and I'm sick and tired of being every Dr.'s guinea pig!  Not only was this closure for health reasons...but it gave that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe we could try again. 

We were perfectly FINE to adopt all these years.  It was our plan!  Still is someday when the financial means becomes available.

Then the beautiful miracle of Jackson came and he was taken from us so soon.  I want to adopt....I'd LOVE a mansion full of children at this point but I also want that opportunity to experience pregnancy and a full term birth with a child we can watch grow long into adulthood. 

I want to adopt...yet the cost is either too far out of reach for us or the process dictates how thin I must be, how many other children I can or cannot have in the home or continues to throw abused children back with their parents only to send them back at an age that will make it hard for them to mainstream back into a structured environment.

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement.  I NEED closure from my sons death already.  I need NOT to feel sick everyday...I want to be without nosebleeds at night or dryheaving because I can't catch my breath from missing my son who didn't have to die had anyone listened to me.  Most importantly I think of the children I long to have......The ones through conception and the ones who struggle right now and are waiting to be in my arms through adoption.

I grieve for THEIR mommies and pray for them too. It's not easy to give your child/ren to someone else.  It's an honor to BE a mom and just as much an honor when you get the opportunity to raise a child someone else put THEIR trust for you to raise. I know in some circumstances it's not with their permission and they just couldn't be what their children needed at that time...but I STILL pray for these women.
I'm confused and angry and UGH!

If you learn ONE thing from this situation.  NEVER take for granted the children you DO have.  Go hug your babies .  Remind them you support them and hear them and pray for them and while life isn't always easy, you'll be there for them. 

Know that life is precious and that not everyone has the blessed opportunity to have or hold a child.  Not even adoption or fostercare system is easy.  It's amazing how many people would like an opportunity yet get thrown around as they continue to throw the kids around the system for the almighty buck to help the state and NOT the child.

So my heart hurts and I'm left abandoned yet again. I just wonder where God is in all this?? I know He's here, He just seems so far away.  I feel a wall separating us. One in which I put up due to my own fear, anger, resentment and RAGE.