In return of sharing your insights on Women's Health and Wellness on such subjects as PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Infertility, or other issues pertaining to women's health the winner will get a 150.00 American Express card.
Here is my topic:
What I wish I knew- Prior to a LONG history of Infertility and a preterm loss in 2009, I wish I knew I had to advocate for my own medical care and seek God and HIS answers instead of relying on just the guess-work of only 1 practitioner.
What I wish I did- In hindsight, I wish as a young twenty-something that I had been encouraged to seek a second opinion on my fertility diagnosis. Had I gotten a second opinion, took the initiative to be my own advocate by reading and understanding my rights as a patient I wouldn't have given up trying to have a baby because I was told it couldn't happen only to learn 8 years later that we were indeed pregnant.
I am grateful I knew- Enough after the loss of our son preterm, to get records and educate myself on the events leading up to our loss. I diagnosed myself with an incompetent cervix while fighting for a stitch for my second child. I fought for that stitch until they decided they knew for sure it was in fact IC up until week 19. If I didn't encourage them to monitor me weekly, our beautiful daughter would have passed away at week 22 like our dear boy did. You know your bodies ladies! If something seems wrong, educate yourself and fight for the medical care and bedside manner as a consumer. While Dr.'s are well educated, they sometimes lack the knowledge of how we know our own bodies.
I am grateful I did- fight for the stitch. Had I not, our daughter wouldn't be here today.
I would want others to know-The symptoms of an Incompetent Cervix and other issues pertaining to preterm losses. Please see my resources HERE. To hear our testimony of how this blog came about please check out the Introduction Page.
Finally, please think about coming back to this page soon and helping me with Jackson's Hope Charity Chain. My hope is to get started on a project soon which will be distributed to a children's hospital for sick children come July. I chose July for a very special reason which will be shared once the project is up and running. Please become my friend won't you?
This two week wait has proven to be an uphill battle emotionally. As I wait for His answer, I pray He will not forget me. That I won't be the only one still sitting here...waiting.
It hasn't been fun being around me. My heart, mind and spirit are quite weary and I long for the answer to be "yes". Reality is though, that God doesn't always say "yes". That's my fear. As I talk myself into who God isn't...He isn't a God of fear, jelousey, anger, rage, anxiety, bitterness, etc., I find myself trying my hardest to focus on what He IS...a God of Love, Mercy, Grace, Forgiveness, Kindness, Gentleness, Guidance and yes, sometimes miracles.
I've already received one miracle though. One that while I wait for heaven to see him again, I also DREAM to experience the gift of pregnancy once again. For a more positive and beautiful outcome. A healthy child carried to term.
Two week waits to test are usually pins and needles, but this one is INTENSE. It is the difference between a dream come true, or closing the door to open a whole new one. It is HERE where I sit and wait. I HOPE in the only one that has the power to create a miracle that Dr.'s cannot do. It is now when I say, "Lord, please don't forget your daughter".
Is it possible there could be more change in the air?! After another appointment for labs and sono's, my nurse called to tell me the estrogen level has gone down. She let me know that if this cycle doesn't work, we should think about moving on to a Dr. who is more equipped for my body that is slow to stimulate follies to maturity.
It seems as though we're coming to our stopping point pretty fast. The Dr. she speaks of is the only specialist in the area that is well known. The problem with this is that he's for the numbers which makes his rates look good published and also has an EXTREME focus on IVF. My husband and I have committed to stop there because we do not want to store fertilized embryos for someone else to take, we don't want to sell them for adoption and we most certainly don't want them to be used for stem cell research. The money it costs to store and the amount of times IVF is covered just wouldn't be enough to risk for us.
I am very sad because after 8 years, we conceived Jackson without fertility intervention after we were told we'd never be able to. It happened on it's own by surprise. At almost 37, I don't have another 8 years to wait. This is the only measure we can use to try for a natural pregnancy to carry a healthy baby to term.
We've been wanting to adopt for some time and finances have been an issue. We don't want to go into debt, what kind of an inheritance would that be to give a child we adopt as our own if we hand down debt?!
I'm in a place right now where I'm not sure what we're going to do. We have four more IUI's left. Do we go to a Dr. that may not put our best interest first before his quota or love for IVF? Do we travel back and fourth to a city 2 hours away from us where there are other specialists who have a better repor?? Do we foster to adopt? In which case we're forgoing infancy which we've never had the pleasure of enjoying and going straight to older children which we don't mind as we fostered teens. Do we bite the bullet and somehow get our heads in the door at an adoption agency who will charge us 20k? Even with the tax credit, we would have to put up the money in order to get it back at the end of the year. So while people say it's cheaper, it isn't at that paticular time.
My heart is weary but I DO know God is with Doug and I. I'm not sure what his plans are. I pray we hear Him speak, that He will somehow open the door for us to be parents here on earth. My heart is heavy but God says His burdens are light. Father, please show us your will and multiply our descendents. Help us to provide enough room for them and direct us in how to use our finances wisely in Jesus name.
NOTE: Scroll to the bottom to mute the music already playing.
God seems to be giving me a "teaching moment" lately. Something along the lines of waiting. If you know me, you know I'm not good with "change" nor am I good at being "patient". In fact, I get somewhat of an anxious heart when plans go awry.
As a child, I seemed to dream my life away per sey. I was a dancer and planned to become professional, I wanted to get married, buy a home in the country, have children and enjoy life. I was a bit more anal than I'm sharing right now as I literally had dates and times.
I remember my grandmother sitting me down one night and sharing that she was worried about me. She said, "Becky, you are planning your life away. I'm worried that your setting yourself up for failure. If things don't happen as you plan them, you become disappointed". Oh how I miss my grandma! She was SO wise and yet with the wisdom, I just pushed it aside and carried on with "my own plans".
Later, I found out I had Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. I started gaining alot of weight in a VERY short amount of time and soon lost what would have been a great professional career had I not gained so much. I became depressed when more and more weight came on. When I couldn't find a date let alone someone I'd marry, I fell deeper and deeper in depression.
One day, after accepting Christ into my life. I started finding joy again. I met some friends in college and one in paticular who became my husband. Doug was like no other man I had met before. He was a Christian man, a GOOD man who I now know was hand-picked to be the man I'd fall inlove with and marry. Little did I know that this man that God hand-picked, would jump behind me at the hospital and help me deliver my baby at 22weeks gestation from an accident a month prior that no medical staff caught in time.
In the end, the baby we'd waited 8 years for, passed away 25 minutes later. Yet again, another hope and dream demolished.
I don't blame God for any of this. In fact, HE is what kept it all together. You see, aside from the accident that took our son, "I" was my own worst enemy. My need to plan and FIX things so they'd come out the way "I" wanted them to was making a mess out of Gods plan over our lives. Yes, God still did what He planned, but sometimes I took the blessing out of it all because I wanted to control it myself.
Right now we're going through fertility treatment and all I want to do is control the outcome. OH how I wish "I" could tell the Dr.'s what and how to do their jobs. In this process, I've become more and more aware that God knows what He's doing and will follow through with it. I also am aware that out of all the heartache I had from prior medical staff, God blessed me with a whole new medical staff that knows who I am when I walk through the door, talks with me, listens to me and has a handle on everything. The rest is up to God.
Which brings me to this video and the other teaching moment: Certain things trigger my sadness in the loss I feel for our son Jackson Jeffrey. It's not women who announce their pregnancies.....that is, as long as they don't take them for granted. It's usually women who have infants and toddlers or even teenagers who are being abused by the mouths or the hands of their parents.
Today I was pretty upset to find that a local unknown woman gave birth to her baby and threw it in the trash. The case is still being investigated and we still don't know if the baby was alive or dead upon being thrown in the dumpster, however there are laws protecting babies that will allow mothers to turn their children over to hospitals anonymously and there are programs that will give free medical care and prenatal vitamins to those who are pregnant. I also know of a slew of adoption agencies that would have helped this woman. I can think of one in paticular.
In my opinion there is no excuse for something like this to happen. My heart aches because while some women take for granted the lives they conceive, there are MANY like myself who long to bare a child or even hold a child through adoption in their arms.
God knows my heart and also knows I have a hard time grasping this. I came across another Steven Curtis Chapman song that blessed my heart. Again, it's the second song this week that speaks of "waiting". Only this time instead of waiting for a child here on earth, waiting to also be with our children who are in heaven. I needed to hear this today. That little baby that passed away and was dumped IS in heaven with my son romping around in the garden and listening to Jesus as He tells the story of HOPE.
before I end, I just want to take the time to pray for the mother who abandoned here baby and ask that the Lord speak to her, that she would come to know Him and that He would find a way into her life in Jesus name...AMEN!
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry. Psalm 40:1
As I sit here watching another year of "A Home For The Holidays" I sit here in tears waiting for the children I've been praying for almost 10 years. I am so excited for Gods great plan as we hope for another pregnancy and long for the adoptions we have so long awaited. You see, my children won't just be born of my body but have LONG since been born in my heart.
I've been praying for the birth moms of our children, knowing that somehow they will have to endure pain so that we will one day have our family all together. It breaks my heart, but I am grateful to her. I'm grateful that our children will be a part of our home and our hearts forever. I also pray each day that the birth mother will know that God loves her and treasures her and that we promise we will take care of her children even while she can't. It's a bitter sweet moment and my heart is filled with so many emotions. I pray that wherever my kids are right now, that God watches over them and keeps them safe. That He would keep them close to Him and that they would know mommy is waiting patiently.
I also continue to long for a healthy pregnancy. An experience that while I didn't have because of an accidental series of events, I hope for in the future.
Whichever path God chooses first, I'll be absolutely happy with. In the meantime, I sit her and wait. I pray for mountains to be moved, for resources to knock on our doors and windows and to use this life as a testimony to Gods great plan.
IBMD recognizes babylost women all over the world as mothers. Just because a woman loses her baby does not mean that she is not a mother anymore. She will be a mother for the rest of her life. On this special day in May we come together to celebrate our connection, our children and our hope for the future. IBMD is a day for love, peace, remembrance and recognition.
