Resting Period

I seem to be in a "resting period" lately.  It's absolutely AWESOME!  I don't remember a time where I've ever been calmer and I attribute it to peace from the Holy Spirit.

I had an IUI on Tuesday morning.  When the medical staff literally said they thought this cycle was a bust, I prayed to God for a miracle and lo and behold, 3 fully mature follies showed up.  I haven't had three the whole time I've been going through treatment.  It's a testimony to God's mighty power. 

When we went in for the IUI, I found out that the midwife was performing the procedure.  That was a first for me and while I was hesitant, I knew just why I love natural child birthing.  First, let me share that I prayed for "peace which surpasses ALL understanding".  Throughout the whole appointment I was praying scripture and standing on Gods word. 

Upon entering the room, we found out that Doug had a MASSIVE amount of "swimmies" and that they'd be inserting two vials of swimmies instead of just one as usual.  Praise God! I thought.  This has never happened either.

As the midwife performed the IUI procedure I felt nothing but compassion, love and peace.  While it was uncomfortable I did not feel the pain I usually did with the past two procedures I had with the medical staff on the other side of the office.  In fact, I CLEARLY understood the reasons why I like the whole natural approach. 

You see, The last two times were VERY "clinical".  Get em in, get em out.  Everything was done in a hurry and we were left alone.  It's quite understandable why Dr.'s are performing massive amounts of unneeded c-sections in order to work around their own schedules to be home for dinner instead of waiting on the mothers to birth their children.

In fact, go into any Labor and Delivery unit and ask how many of the nurses and staff perform "natural" deliveries and watch them all look at you with confusion on their minds.  Many of your city hospitals just don't. If they DO actual vaginal deliveries, oftentimes you'll find them administering petocin to speed along the process.  They don't tell you that using petocin will actually produce MORE pain during child birth and can even cause attatchment issues once the baby is out and mom wants to nurse.

Okay, okay. So I'm getting off track here.  My point here though is there was a HUGE difference between the IUI I had this time and the two done by the medical staff on the other side of the office.  One was more natural, allowed time for the swimmies to move back and gave such love and compassion for a dream long hoped for and awaited. While the other experience was WAY more "clinical" with less emotion and more rushed.

God knew what I needed and provided that for Doug and I.  Now it's in HIS hands.  Will we actually find ourselves pregnant soon?  Or will we continue to move forward with adoption next month?  Either way we've always wanted to adopt and will approach that direction with excitement.  However, I would love to conceive a child and carry to term with a more positive experience in my head.

If that day comes, Lord willing, I am confident that we will approach our birthing experience the same way we did with Jackson Jeffrey and with the same measure we had this time when the midwife performed the IUI procedure.  With a more natural, loving and GODLY approach than the experience I've had. 

I look at it this way, had I listened to the Dr.'s when we were birthing our son to go ahead and take morphine, we would have never seen our son alive and enjoyed the moments we had with him.  He either would have died right away OR would have been too lethargic from the drugs to function.

Overall, I've seen God EVERYWHERE in my life.  I wouldn't have it any other way.  So to God be the glory.  Either way, we'll have another miracle. For that may God solely have the glory.

A New Journey-Adoption

We're so excited to announce that we're moving forward with adoption plans.  It's been a long hard road trying to conceive since our son passed.  It took us 8 years just for his miraculous conception but it was certainly God who made it all happen.

We have been told that it's time to think about moving on to IVF. Doug and I agreed before we started all this, that our stopping point would be IVF.  We have always wanted to adopt since LONG before we got married and it just makes sense to move straight to adoption.

We have picked a country and now we're working on another blog dedicated to our adoption journey.  If we get pregnant on our own in the future, it will be Gods great blessing, but we are at peace knowing our children have been born in our hearts for quite some time and God knows our hearts desire to adopt our little one as our own forever.

I am working on some fundraising opportunities as we speak and Doug and I are quite excited as we step out in faith to bring home our son or daughter.

I look forward to sharing with you our new blog shortly.  In the meantime, we covet your prayers that God would help us finance the adoption to bring home our little one safely. 

Love to you all,

In the center of a circle and unsure which way I'm going

Is it possible there could be more change in the air?!  After another appointment for labs and sono's, my nurse called to tell me the estrogen level has gone down.  She let me know that if this cycle doesn't work, we should think about moving on to a Dr. who is more equipped for my body that is slow to stimulate follies to maturity.

It seems as though we're coming to our stopping point pretty fast.  The Dr. she speaks of is the only specialist in the area that is well known. The problem with this is that he's for the numbers which makes his rates look good published and also has an EXTREME focus on IVF.  My husband and I have committed to stop there because we do not want to store fertilized embryos for someone else to take, we don't want to sell them for adoption and we most certainly don't want them to be used for stem cell research.  The money it costs to store and the amount of times IVF is covered just wouldn't be enough to risk for us.

I am very sad because after 8 years, we conceived Jackson without fertility intervention after we were told we'd never be able to.  It happened on it's own by surprise.  At almost 37, I don't have another 8 years to wait.  This is the only measure we can use to try for a natural pregnancy to carry a healthy baby to term.

We've been wanting to adopt for some time and finances have been an issue.  We don't want to go into debt, what kind of an inheritance would that be to give a child we adopt as our own if we hand down debt?! 

I'm in a place right now where I'm not sure what we're going to do.  We have four more IUI's left. Do we go to a Dr. that may not put our best interest first before his quota or love for IVF?  Do we travel back and fourth to a city 2 hours away from us where there are other specialists who have a better repor??  Do we foster to adopt?  In which case we're forgoing infancy which we've never had the pleasure of enjoying and going straight to older children which we don't mind as we fostered teens.  Do we bite the bullet and somehow get our heads in the door at an adoption agency who will charge us 20k?  Even with the tax credit, we would have to put up the money in order to get it back at the end of the year.  So while people say it's cheaper, it isn't at that paticular time.

My heart is weary but I DO know God is with Doug and I.  I'm not sure what his plans are.  I pray we hear Him speak, that He will somehow open the door for us to be parents here on earth.  My heart is heavy but God says His burdens are light.  Father, please show us your will and multiply our descendents.  Help us to provide enough room for them and direct us in how to use our finances wisely in Jesus name.

My Hearts Desire

As I sit here watching another year of "A Home For The Holidays" I sit here in tears waiting for the children I've been praying for almost 10 years.  I am so excited for Gods great plan as we hope for another pregnancy and long for the adoptions we have so long awaited.  You see, my children won't just be born of my body but have LONG since been born in my heart.

I've been praying for the birth moms of our children, knowing that somehow they will have to endure pain so that we will one day have our family all together.  It breaks my heart, but I am grateful to her.  I'm grateful that our children will be a part of our home and our hearts forever.  I also pray each day that the birth mother will know that God loves her and treasures her and that we promise we will take care of her children even while she can't.  It's a bitter sweet moment and my heart is filled with so many emotions.  I pray that wherever my kids are right now, that God watches over them and keeps them safe.  That He would keep them close to Him and that they would know mommy is waiting patiently.

I also continue to long for a healthy pregnancy.  An experience that while I didn't have because of an accidental series of events, I hope for in the future. 

Whichever path God chooses first, I'll be absolutely happy with.  In the meantime, I sit her and wait.  I pray for mountains to be moved, for resources to knock on our doors and windows and to use this life as a testimony to Gods great plan.