In the center of a circle and unsure which way I'm going

Is it possible there could be more change in the air?!  After another appointment for labs and sono's, my nurse called to tell me the estrogen level has gone down.  She let me know that if this cycle doesn't work, we should think about moving on to a Dr. who is more equipped for my body that is slow to stimulate follies to maturity.

It seems as though we're coming to our stopping point pretty fast.  The Dr. she speaks of is the only specialist in the area that is well known. The problem with this is that he's for the numbers which makes his rates look good published and also has an EXTREME focus on IVF.  My husband and I have committed to stop there because we do not want to store fertilized embryos for someone else to take, we don't want to sell them for adoption and we most certainly don't want them to be used for stem cell research.  The money it costs to store and the amount of times IVF is covered just wouldn't be enough to risk for us.

I am very sad because after 8 years, we conceived Jackson without fertility intervention after we were told we'd never be able to.  It happened on it's own by surprise.  At almost 37, I don't have another 8 years to wait.  This is the only measure we can use to try for a natural pregnancy to carry a healthy baby to term.

We've been wanting to adopt for some time and finances have been an issue.  We don't want to go into debt, what kind of an inheritance would that be to give a child we adopt as our own if we hand down debt?! 

I'm in a place right now where I'm not sure what we're going to do.  We have four more IUI's left. Do we go to a Dr. that may not put our best interest first before his quota or love for IVF?  Do we travel back and fourth to a city 2 hours away from us where there are other specialists who have a better repor??  Do we foster to adopt?  In which case we're forgoing infancy which we've never had the pleasure of enjoying and going straight to older children which we don't mind as we fostered teens.  Do we bite the bullet and somehow get our heads in the door at an adoption agency who will charge us 20k?  Even with the tax credit, we would have to put up the money in order to get it back at the end of the year.  So while people say it's cheaper, it isn't at that paticular time.

My heart is weary but I DO know God is with Doug and I.  I'm not sure what his plans are.  I pray we hear Him speak, that He will somehow open the door for us to be parents here on earth.  My heart is heavy but God says His burdens are light.  Father, please show us your will and multiply our descendents.  Help us to provide enough room for them and direct us in how to use our finances wisely in Jesus name.

My Hearts Desire

As I sit here watching another year of "A Home For The Holidays" I sit here in tears waiting for the children I've been praying for almost 10 years.  I am so excited for Gods great plan as we hope for another pregnancy and long for the adoptions we have so long awaited.  You see, my children won't just be born of my body but have LONG since been born in my heart.

I've been praying for the birth moms of our children, knowing that somehow they will have to endure pain so that we will one day have our family all together.  It breaks my heart, but I am grateful to her.  I'm grateful that our children will be a part of our home and our hearts forever.  I also pray each day that the birth mother will know that God loves her and treasures her and that we promise we will take care of her children even while she can't.  It's a bitter sweet moment and my heart is filled with so many emotions.  I pray that wherever my kids are right now, that God watches over them and keeps them safe.  That He would keep them close to Him and that they would know mommy is waiting patiently.

I also continue to long for a healthy pregnancy.  An experience that while I didn't have because of an accidental series of events, I hope for in the future. 

Whichever path God chooses first, I'll be absolutely happy with.  In the meantime, I sit her and wait.  I pray for mountains to be moved, for resources to knock on our doors and windows and to use this life as a testimony to Gods great plan.