12 Days Of Eternal Gifts

Please join me in treasuring the eternal gifts of the Christmas season.  Link to 12 Days of Eternal Gifts over at More To Be.

Day 1 ~ Let my Spirit fill you.
Day 2 ~ Let my Word satisfy you.
Day 3 ~ Let my Living Water refresh you.
Day 4 ~ Let my love surround you.
Day 5 ~ Let my forgiveness heal you.
Day 6 ~ Let my grace transform you.
Day 7 ~ Let my mercy undo you.
Day 8 ~ Let my purposes direct you.
Day 9 ~ Let my plans delight you.
Day 10 ~ Let me. Let me in.
Day 11 ~ Let me rule. Let me reign.
Day 12 ~ For my glory.

Introducing Our Rainbow Baby

Sorry it's been awhile since posting.

Amelia Gabrielle Shearer arrived at 8:29am on Sept. 29th by c-section.  The section over all went well but felt kind of odd being pulled.  She came in weighing 8lbs 13oz's

She went up to NICU and they let her down two hours later only for her to go back up the following day because her sugars weren't stabilized.  It became rough from there. NICU was only "open" during certain times. DURING those times you had to breastfeed or feed your baby.  Amelia was learning to attach but has issues with peanut butter tongue...meaning her tongue goes to the roof of her mouth instead of lying at the bottom.  So that made our time spent there much later and gave her less time to latch on and get food. All the while, we'd get downstairs eat and instead of sleeping, we'd go back up for her feeding times.  It was awful seeing her on lead lines, being poked and prodded for testing.  I was obviously emotional seeing it.

She was finally sent back to us but then they said she had jaundice.  They wanted to keep her and we said okay, however the testing they did and then the light therapy left her without clothes on, cold, unswaddled and eyes always covered.  By the last 6 hours she'd had it and so did we. It was horrifying to go through with our little one.

We came home on day 5 of our stay and life has been better.  Amelia is latching on nicely, my milk has just come in and we're getting sleep when it comes.  It's been better together at home where we all belong. We're enjoying being a family now! My cup runneth over with abundant joy.

Wanted to share a few pics with you all.

                                                  The 1st time I saw my miracle baby.

                                                        Welcome Amelia Gabrielle!

                                      Cute little one.  I just love her more and more each day.

                                                   Amelia's first hour in her bassinete.


As of now, I'm recovering from the incision, have contracted PUPPS rash from pregnancy.  My abdomen is mishapen and my body has TONS of water retention in the abdomen especially, that is now leaking like I broke my water. I kept crying because I wondered if my body would look disfigured forever but have been told it will take time, and will get back to normal.

As I recover from the harder issues, I just keep looking at my daughter Amelia, my husband and our dogs and remember how blessed I am. My cup truly runneth over with abundant love! I thank God for all things INCLUDING my family. Praise be to God!

Latest Update

Hello Dear Friends!

Please forgive me for not posting so much.  As I start Week 38 of my pregnancy, there has been a whole lot going on.

Amelia is doing well. Still transverse, but doing well.  I on the other hand have high blood pressures along with swollen feet, ankles, legs and lower abdomen.  Fridays appointment, my Dr. decided she wants us to have an amnio to check Amelia's lung function and she wants a c-section done this week.  If I have proteins in my urine, they'll forgo the amnio altogether and go straight to the c-section.  We could have our little Amelia by next week.

I'm excited but nervous.  I have to say by tonight I am READY to have her.  I feel like the size of a truck from the water retention and am just ready to be myself again, ready to see the daughter we've waited 10 years for, ready to be with my husband and be a new family.  My emotions are all over the place. I'm excited, happy, amazed....I'm also scared, hopeful and wondering if I'll be a good mommy. This is all new to Doug and I. We've been praying for over 10 years and God blessed us with this child.  Now the day is at hand and I just don't know what to do. It's like everything is coming so quickly and I'm ill prepared for her arrival.  The bitter-sweetness of it all is that I'll also miss the beautiful movements I've felt as she kicks or moves.  This little girl has blessed me already beyond what I could have ever comprehended.  I'm amazed and bewildered at Gods creation. I'm thankful to Him!

At any rate. I'm excited and can't wait to share our little blessing with the world.  A blessing of Hope after the loss of a child.  I'm reminded that my daughter is considered a "rainbow baby".  A child born after a loss.  While her brother, Jackson Jeffrey, went home to be with the Lord.  God followed through on a promise.  You see, Many friends and I have been praying. One in particular, Patti and I have been praying.  She called me one day after my loss. We cried together and prayed.  We prayed as Hannah gave her son unto the Lord, She asked God for more children.  We stood on that promise and kept asking God to fulfill this for me too.  We weren't sure if it would be by conception (well, Patti was sure) or through adoption which is STILL our hearts desire.  But we stood on it.

After a year of grieving the loss of our son, we were ready to try again.  This time we knew we needed help so we went through fertility treatment with a means to stop if IVF treatment was recommended.  Our reasoning behind it was because we have ALWAYS wanted to adopt and the money to do either was similar in cost however there were no guarantees that IVF would actually work yet we knew there were plenty of children and still are who need loving homes with mommies and daddies willing to love them as their own.....Or in our case....a child who would be willing to call US their own.

We started an adoption blog in the middle of our treatment.  LITERALLY at the 11th hour just as the medical staff were giving up and ready to refer us to IVF treatment, we found out we were pregnant with the child we now know is our Amelia.  It was then we put the rest of our adoption blog on hold to care and advocate for myself and our daughter.

After Noah built the Arch and God followed through to wipe out the sinful population that refused to heed His call, God promised He would NEVER do that kind of thing again.  To show His promise, He created a beautiful rainbow.  Rainbows are symbols of Gods everlasting promises.  Hence the name for a "rainbow baby".  A child conceived and carried after a loss.

So to those of you grieving after a loss and wondering if you will ever have a baby or if you'll ever be able to allow yourself to have a baby, I pray you know Gods Hope.  As I've gone through this pregnancy, everything I've PLANNED has never gone as planned. In fact, I wanted a vaginal birth NOT a c-section. One of the MANY things that in my opinion went "wrong" with my plan.  HOWEVER, God knew HIS plans for Doug, myself and Amelia...for Jackson Jeffrey too!  It wasn't MY plan, however His plan is better.  For some of us, conception may not be the way we have our children.  It may be through adoption.  I've learned there's always more than one way....always more than MY way or MY control.

Now I'm not saying Gods plan was for Jackson to to parish the way he did in order to punish me.  What God did there was protect my son from harm, give peace to me and strength to my husband at the moment that was bitter sweet for us.  His PLAN was that of love and protection which carried on through the grief we had. Healing also took place.  God was NOT out to plan punishment and thus decide to use our son to do so.  No,  our Heavenly Father is a loving Father with plans that can be SO MUCH better than ours.  The day we said hello and goodbye to our son, God was with the three of us, wept our tears and gently took my son's spirit to heaven with his last little breath. A peace only a Heavenly Father could do.

While my daughter is here on earth with us....our son is running through the garden with Jesus waiting for US to come home.  Again, Jackson isn't gone forever.  We're NOT walking away from our son, we're walking TOWARD Him.  Toward our Heavenly Father with whom by the gift of Jesus Christ, we are able to spend a whole eternity with one day.

God is good!  I pray as Amelia arrives, Doug and I will be the example she needs to understand His love and to overcome adversity here on earth without the question of where her heavenly father is...but KNOWING with confidence that He is there and always will be both during good times, and those that are sorrowful!

May God bless you abundantly and May you find rest in Him.  I look forward to sharing Hope with you in the future!

Bacteria! Oh how you mock me.

Well, I think the title says it all.  I've had Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) in my first trimester.  Shortly after I ended up with a bad case of c-diff which put me in the hospital on leads for awhile.  Last week I was diagnosed with BV again and just yesterday my nurse called me to tell me that not only do I have BV, but I have an odd bacteria in my urinary tract. So I am now on flagyl and macrobid which are both antibiotics.

I seem to have a severe case of overpopulation of bad bacteria.  Oh, I'm an eater of yogurt. I also take probiotics but my body just can't seem to compensate for the overpopulation of the bad bacteria.  Obviously the meds are needed as both can put me in labor. So it's a matter of weighing whats more important.

NOW, since I'm taking so many antibiotics to get rid of each bacterial infection I am now succeptable to c-diff once again.  ONE issue I NEVER want again because I thought I was literally going to die from 9 hours of vomiting and the trotts all at once.  I was dehydrated, lacked potassium so I needed an IV for that, needed MORE antibiotics through IV, Saline and some other type of hydration to keep my body going when I couldn't eat.  It was a circus! Haha

I also received my weekly 17P Injection to keep me from going into preterm labor.  One injection weekly on the fourth quadrant of the butt cheek and you switch cheeks every other week.  Honestly it's a good thing because it would be downright TORCHER to have the injection in the same butt cheek each week.

Let me explain that 17P is a THICK gel-like substance that takes a pretty thick needle to transfer the medicine into the needle.  We then put a somewhat smaller needle on (but not too small because the gel wouldn't go through).  Doug as an RN knows how to numb the area before injecting so the site won't sting.  For anyone interested it's rubbing the area for 30 seconds with an alcohol pad which numbs the nerve endings and the patient doesn't feel the injection stinging.

NOW, when I heard the injections hurt I got a bit cocky because I don't feel the initial sting as Doug knows how to inject properly.  HOWEVER, what Dr.'s lacked to tell me was that the darn gel can pill in your muscles leaving you with a round rock on your butt cheek a week later.  It hurts!  In fact, the very first injection I was bed ridden because I was in so much pain.  Couple weeks after that I was trying to figure out how to turn over on either side without pain.  I have since learned that if you rub the area around REALLY hard, your less likely to pill. Also, concerning the pain...If you roll PAST the injection site onto your actual hip bone, you'll be able to sleep again. Haha

Today's injection was interesting as when Doug took the needle out, there was a surprising spurt of blood ALL OVER.  That issue hasn't happened before.  It did sting going in this time so that could be an issue too.  all in all though, I got my dose and that's all that matters.

On a more news worthy note, Amelia has started to kick MUCH harder today and more frequent too!  I find myself jumping and my eyes get bigger.  It's really an odd feeling.  Kinda makes me jump for some reason.  She's becoming quite the Karate kicker!

Well, that's all for today.  I pray you all have a lovely weekend!

Milestone passed and 6 more days to Viability Week!

I surpassed that dreaded milestone!  22wks was when we lost Jackson.  Here we are 23wks 1day with Amelia and I feel her moving. It feels delightful and hopeful all at the same time.  Viability week comes next Sunday and I can't tell you how excited I am.  Looking forward to passing wk 28, 36 and going all the way to October.

I celebrated by buying the Diaper Covers for the newborn cloth diapers I have.  Next month is wk 28 and we'll be FINALLY bringing the nursery furniture home and setting up shortly thereafter!  It's getting quite exciting now as I feel Amelia move and kick around.  Even when she nails me hard in the bladder I feel happy.

Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...

Remember that quote from Forest Gump "Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what your gonna get"?  

Well that's how I feel right now.  The 17P injections are given weekly on either side of the upper quadrant of the butt cheek.  During which the thick gel-like substance works into the muscle and for some sets itself there.  While Doug tries to massage it in the muscle, it won't always move so it pills within the muscle.

There are many side effects.  Not everyone gets them but many of us DO get one or more.

The issue with me is that the side effects have been so random for me that it's got me confused.  haha

The first couple weeks I had nausea, headaches and debilitating PAIN in my muscles.  Then the nausea and headaches disappeared and I had the pain in the muscles but it extended to the middle of my back and I could actually walk though finding a place to rest with the severe pain on my butt was a chore.  I finally figured I had to lay WAY over on my hips to avoid the pain.

Well last fridays injection came and I don't feel ANY pain (which is a nice break for a change) however the nausea and headaches are back.

I can understand having one or more regularly but it's become a random selection of what side effects will come with each injection.  I guess it keeps me on my toes that way.

I'm noticing my attitude about this pregnancy is getting better and better with each passing week.  Sunday will be wk 22 for me and it's the milestone to pass for me.  Jackson came at 22wks two years ago and it's been a horrifying fear of mine

Between the stitch and the injections.  I'm REALLY confident I'll make it past the 24th wk and hopefully past 28 and 36th wk.

This past weekend I made my way into the storage bins of baby items I had when I was pregnant with Jackson.  Took all the courage I had to get through it.  A few small tears and I was making my way into getting things situated in Amelia's closet.  I can't believe how many little girls clothes I bought of the years "hoping". I also have MANY boys clothes that are still tucked away in those bins with hopes that I will one day use THEM as well.

I looked in her closet and already with the clothes I purchased over the years, her closet is FULL.  I keep thinking she'll have too many clothes when everyone starts buying for us.

Her room is still pretty empty with exception to mommas craft supplies that need a home downstairs in the craft room.  It'll get emptied out in July when we bring home her nursery furniture.  I wanted to wait until wk 28 because In my head I couldn't bare to repack the babies room again if something were to happen.  NOW I'm just excited that we're just 3 weeks away from viability.

I was SO excited that I ordered infant cloth diapers this past weekend.  I only ordered 2 dozen because I'm not sure how long she'll actually be in them. I just knew I wanted to be on the safe side and have something here.  Next week we'll buy the diaper covers to go over them.

Mood.  Hmm, It's getting hot over here and I'm not a fan of HEAT. Especially HUMIDITY that comes with NY summers.  It's then when I start missing the snow!  I seem to be making the most of it though.  I preplanned and we splurged for one of those new portable air conditioners. You know the big ones for big bucks???  Yup, I told my husband if he wanted to keep me happy this summer we'd have to splurge.  So we purchased this little baby in April and I've been HAPPY ever since.   It's hot outside right now, but inside I am a cool cucumber!

All is well thus far.  It's good to be positive for a change.  I feel so different not being on edge as much!

It's 3am and guess who can't sleep?!lol

I figured I'd jot down my thoughts today to ease the sleeplessness.

Today is officially wk 21. Yay Amelia!  I'm a bit nervous about next week as that is the milestone to get past since our son Jackson passed, but based on this weeks Perinatal appointment. I'm quite confident of surpassing that milestone.  I even seem to have a more positive attitude.

Speaking of Perinatal appointment it's THE FIRST time I received some good news for a change!  My cervical length didn't go down nor did she find anymore funneling since the surgery.  Seems that by the Grace of God the bed rest is working.  Our Great Physician in Heaven is AWESOME!

We also discussed her report from the cardiologist.  She didn't get anything she understood, but she got enough from me.  She apologized for how it all happened and even mentioned that Downs is only 30% of the cases and not all babies with VSD have Downs. She said she would be more concerned with another type of heart defect that Amelia has been found not to have.  She also mentioned that VSD is quite common in infants and majority of the cases clear up on their own.  SHE has decided to do another scan in 2 wks to check the heart herself and do some more anomaly scans to check Amelia's growth.  Everything has been right on thus far.  Obviously there are no guarantees, but as I said before we will keep our beautiful baby NO MATTER WHAT!

Today I was given permission by the Dr. to take a ride.  We went to a garden center and bought some flowers for the pots in Jackson's stone.  I sat while Doug planted them and I must say his grave looks just beautiful!  Simplistic but gorgeous!

Came home and Doug also tended to his container garden on the porch.  We have beautiful hanging strawberry plants instead of the ferns this year, we have the long pots with lettuce, spinach, carrots and he even snuck in a couple 5 gallon bins and planted corn which has already come up.  Can you believe I have corn growing on my porch?? lol My husband makes me smile.

Today I also came out in Faith and ordered some Newborn cloth diapers.  I decided I'd need something for Amelia in the few weeks she's born and not knowing how big she'll be, I didn't want to buy something I wouldn't need so I purchased 2 dozen Clotheez organic prefolds and figure if I need another dozen, I'll buy them once she's here.

I'll also purchase diaper covers next paycheck where I've decided on the Thirsties Duo Wrap which has a broader range fit from 6-12lbs.  The snaps make it easier to adjust to the sizing.  I figured I'd buy 4 with the Aplex and 4 with the snaps to see which ones will fit Amelia the best and then purchase more later when we know she will like or fit in them better.

I also went into the pile of clothes I had from my pregnancy with Jackson and finally opened the storage bin to weed through what we'd use for Amelia.  Aside from a few boyish items, I had forgotten that my friends over the years have given us baby clothes I stored away.  Amelia has some pretty cute girly outfits already and along with some neutrals I purchased just weeks before we knew Jackson was a boy...Amelia now has quite a few sleepers, onesies, etc in the closet.  Nothing too cutesie yet, but that will come in time.  In fact, my mother already told me she's gone to town on little girl outfits.  She's really excited.  I'm still waiting to purchase clothes until 28wks.  I find it's best to get through these milestones the next well, 7 wks now.

My Doula and Perinatologist have already noticed that since the stitch I've been so much more able to find excitement in this pregnancy and enjoy my little girl even bonding with her more and more.  I must admit though, it doesn't take much.  I feel her kicks and hear her little heart beating and she just makes her mommy cry with joy!  I just praise God for every little miraculous movement and beat.  I also praise him during the not-so-fun moments.  You know, the ones with pain from the injections or the nausea associated or regular aches and pains.

I see those as gifts as well.  Though I find it hard to sleep most nights because it takes two weeks for one butt cheek to heal and then I get a shot again, I know it's to ward off preterm labor and keep my little girl safe from harm.  God knows all things and works for the good of both His kingdom and His children.  I am blessed and each jab, feeling of nausea or any other ache of pain is a gift.

Speaking of blessings.  Today Dougs parents came by to visit and brought puzzles as well as reading material. I also had a visit from another friend from church who brought us a dorm refrigerator with a freezer so I don't have to keep coming up and down the stairs each day.  I'm happy to say it's in the bedroom right now.  We also have a made coming on Monday thanks to another kind friend from church.  It's a blessing but so odd to me to have someone cleaning my home while I'm in my bedroom.  I'm grateful though!

I think with all the excitement of the day though, I'm having a tough time coming down.  Not to mention Doug is going to church without me tomorrow and I'm SO SAD.  Not that he's going to church, but that I'll be missing yet another week.  For good reason of course, but I honestly love our church family and moreover, I love hearing The Word Of God and learning.  Luckily I can hear it from the website later in the week but I miss the faces and just the personal experience of listening as Gods word unfolds before my eyes again and again.

I'm trying to get into a new schedule of prayer, reading and also praying for a list of those who ask for prayer.  Keeping a list and praying each day.  I think with the trauma of losing Jackson, I feel as though the part of me that used to be on fire to learn and even pray for others has kinda dwindled and I became needy myself.  Maybe even a bit too emotionally and spiritually needy that I started lacking in foundation and prayer that I once had before the tragedy struck.  Oh I pray and I read, I'm just not as on-fire as I used to be or would like.

I've been asking for change.  Change of attitude and perspective.  I DO NOT want my daughter learning  some of the behaviors I've had to cope. The fear, the anxiety, the disappointment which leads to anger or rage.  I do not want my daughter to inherit those unhealthy behaviors.  Instead, I want her to be CONFIDENT in her Lord Jesus Christ. To be BOLD in her love for Him and know that even through bad times God is Good and His plans are for the good of both His people and His kingdom.

So in facing this challenge, I've been asking God to prune the sins of my heart and replace them with the Fruit of The Spirit.  To live IN the Spirit and BY the Spirit.  When I do that, both I and others will see the fruit in me.  At the moment, I'm lacking some of that fruit.  It's now that I have to look within at the sin in my life and allow God to prune it from my heart and help to change me within so that I may be the wife, mother, daughter, cousin, friend, etc. that HE would like me to be.

So it is here that I close.  I also give you my thanks for getting this far if you've read this post to the end.  Lacking sleep, I have a whole lot to chat about and the time is on my hands.  It is also now that I close to pray with God as I try to put my mind to rest and allow God to give me peace, lighten my burdens and bless my spirit.  I ask the same for all of you my dear friends! May God continually bless you with the presence of His Holy Spirit in Jesus name I pray...Amen!