Life Is Like A Box Of Chocolates...

Remember that quote from Forest Gump "Life is like a box of chocolates...you never know what your gonna get"?  

Well that's how I feel right now.  The 17P injections are given weekly on either side of the upper quadrant of the butt cheek.  During which the thick gel-like substance works into the muscle and for some sets itself there.  While Doug tries to massage it in the muscle, it won't always move so it pills within the muscle.

There are many side effects.  Not everyone gets them but many of us DO get one or more.

The issue with me is that the side effects have been so random for me that it's got me confused.  haha

The first couple weeks I had nausea, headaches and debilitating PAIN in my muscles.  Then the nausea and headaches disappeared and I had the pain in the muscles but it extended to the middle of my back and I could actually walk though finding a place to rest with the severe pain on my butt was a chore.  I finally figured I had to lay WAY over on my hips to avoid the pain.

Well last fridays injection came and I don't feel ANY pain (which is a nice break for a change) however the nausea and headaches are back.

I can understand having one or more regularly but it's become a random selection of what side effects will come with each injection.  I guess it keeps me on my toes that way.

I'm noticing my attitude about this pregnancy is getting better and better with each passing week.  Sunday will be wk 22 for me and it's the milestone to pass for me.  Jackson came at 22wks two years ago and it's been a horrifying fear of mine

Between the stitch and the injections.  I'm REALLY confident I'll make it past the 24th wk and hopefully past 28 and 36th wk.

This past weekend I made my way into the storage bins of baby items I had when I was pregnant with Jackson.  Took all the courage I had to get through it.  A few small tears and I was making my way into getting things situated in Amelia's closet.  I can't believe how many little girls clothes I bought of the years "hoping". I also have MANY boys clothes that are still tucked away in those bins with hopes that I will one day use THEM as well.

I looked in her closet and already with the clothes I purchased over the years, her closet is FULL.  I keep thinking she'll have too many clothes when everyone starts buying for us.

Her room is still pretty empty with exception to mommas craft supplies that need a home downstairs in the craft room.  It'll get emptied out in July when we bring home her nursery furniture.  I wanted to wait until wk 28 because In my head I couldn't bare to repack the babies room again if something were to happen.  NOW I'm just excited that we're just 3 weeks away from viability.

I was SO excited that I ordered infant cloth diapers this past weekend.  I only ordered 2 dozen because I'm not sure how long she'll actually be in them. I just knew I wanted to be on the safe side and have something here.  Next week we'll buy the diaper covers to go over them.

Mood.  Hmm, It's getting hot over here and I'm not a fan of HEAT. Especially HUMIDITY that comes with NY summers.  It's then when I start missing the snow!  I seem to be making the most of it though.  I preplanned and we splurged for one of those new portable air conditioners. You know the big ones for big bucks???  Yup, I told my husband if he wanted to keep me happy this summer we'd have to splurge.  So we purchased this little baby in April and I've been HAPPY ever since.   It's hot outside right now, but inside I am a cool cucumber!

All is well thus far.  It's good to be positive for a change.  I feel so different not being on edge as much!

It's 3am and guess who can't sleep?!lol

I figured I'd jot down my thoughts today to ease the sleeplessness.

Today is officially wk 21. Yay Amelia!  I'm a bit nervous about next week as that is the milestone to get past since our son Jackson passed, but based on this weeks Perinatal appointment. I'm quite confident of surpassing that milestone.  I even seem to have a more positive attitude.

Speaking of Perinatal appointment it's THE FIRST time I received some good news for a change!  My cervical length didn't go down nor did she find anymore funneling since the surgery.  Seems that by the Grace of God the bed rest is working.  Our Great Physician in Heaven is AWESOME!

We also discussed her report from the cardiologist.  She didn't get anything she understood, but she got enough from me.  She apologized for how it all happened and even mentioned that Downs is only 30% of the cases and not all babies with VSD have Downs. She said she would be more concerned with another type of heart defect that Amelia has been found not to have.  She also mentioned that VSD is quite common in infants and majority of the cases clear up on their own.  SHE has decided to do another scan in 2 wks to check the heart herself and do some more anomaly scans to check Amelia's growth.  Everything has been right on thus far.  Obviously there are no guarantees, but as I said before we will keep our beautiful baby NO MATTER WHAT!

Today I was given permission by the Dr. to take a ride.  We went to a garden center and bought some flowers for the pots in Jackson's stone.  I sat while Doug planted them and I must say his grave looks just beautiful!  Simplistic but gorgeous!

Came home and Doug also tended to his container garden on the porch.  We have beautiful hanging strawberry plants instead of the ferns this year, we have the long pots with lettuce, spinach, carrots and he even snuck in a couple 5 gallon bins and planted corn which has already come up.  Can you believe I have corn growing on my porch?? lol My husband makes me smile.

Today I also came out in Faith and ordered some Newborn cloth diapers.  I decided I'd need something for Amelia in the few weeks she's born and not knowing how big she'll be, I didn't want to buy something I wouldn't need so I purchased 2 dozen Clotheez organic prefolds and figure if I need another dozen, I'll buy them once she's here.

I'll also purchase diaper covers next paycheck where I've decided on the Thirsties Duo Wrap which has a broader range fit from 6-12lbs.  The snaps make it easier to adjust to the sizing.  I figured I'd buy 4 with the Aplex and 4 with the snaps to see which ones will fit Amelia the best and then purchase more later when we know she will like or fit in them better.

I also went into the pile of clothes I had from my pregnancy with Jackson and finally opened the storage bin to weed through what we'd use for Amelia.  Aside from a few boyish items, I had forgotten that my friends over the years have given us baby clothes I stored away.  Amelia has some pretty cute girly outfits already and along with some neutrals I purchased just weeks before we knew Jackson was a boy...Amelia now has quite a few sleepers, onesies, etc in the closet.  Nothing too cutesie yet, but that will come in time.  In fact, my mother already told me she's gone to town on little girl outfits.  She's really excited.  I'm still waiting to purchase clothes until 28wks.  I find it's best to get through these milestones the next well, 7 wks now.

My Doula and Perinatologist have already noticed that since the stitch I've been so much more able to find excitement in this pregnancy and enjoy my little girl even bonding with her more and more.  I must admit though, it doesn't take much.  I feel her kicks and hear her little heart beating and she just makes her mommy cry with joy!  I just praise God for every little miraculous movement and beat.  I also praise him during the not-so-fun moments.  You know, the ones with pain from the injections or the nausea associated or regular aches and pains.

I see those as gifts as well.  Though I find it hard to sleep most nights because it takes two weeks for one butt cheek to heal and then I get a shot again, I know it's to ward off preterm labor and keep my little girl safe from harm.  God knows all things and works for the good of both His kingdom and His children.  I am blessed and each jab, feeling of nausea or any other ache of pain is a gift.

Speaking of blessings.  Today Dougs parents came by to visit and brought puzzles as well as reading material. I also had a visit from another friend from church who brought us a dorm refrigerator with a freezer so I don't have to keep coming up and down the stairs each day.  I'm happy to say it's in the bedroom right now.  We also have a made coming on Monday thanks to another kind friend from church.  It's a blessing but so odd to me to have someone cleaning my home while I'm in my bedroom.  I'm grateful though!

I think with all the excitement of the day though, I'm having a tough time coming down.  Not to mention Doug is going to church without me tomorrow and I'm SO SAD.  Not that he's going to church, but that I'll be missing yet another week.  For good reason of course, but I honestly love our church family and moreover, I love hearing The Word Of God and learning.  Luckily I can hear it from the website later in the week but I miss the faces and just the personal experience of listening as Gods word unfolds before my eyes again and again.

I'm trying to get into a new schedule of prayer, reading and also praying for a list of those who ask for prayer.  Keeping a list and praying each day.  I think with the trauma of losing Jackson, I feel as though the part of me that used to be on fire to learn and even pray for others has kinda dwindled and I became needy myself.  Maybe even a bit too emotionally and spiritually needy that I started lacking in foundation and prayer that I once had before the tragedy struck.  Oh I pray and I read, I'm just not as on-fire as I used to be or would like.

I've been asking for change.  Change of attitude and perspective.  I DO NOT want my daughter learning  some of the behaviors I've had to cope. The fear, the anxiety, the disappointment which leads to anger or rage.  I do not want my daughter to inherit those unhealthy behaviors.  Instead, I want her to be CONFIDENT in her Lord Jesus Christ. To be BOLD in her love for Him and know that even through bad times God is Good and His plans are for the good of both His people and His kingdom.

So in facing this challenge, I've been asking God to prune the sins of my heart and replace them with the Fruit of The Spirit.  To live IN the Spirit and BY the Spirit.  When I do that, both I and others will see the fruit in me.  At the moment, I'm lacking some of that fruit.  It's now that I have to look within at the sin in my life and allow God to prune it from my heart and help to change me within so that I may be the wife, mother, daughter, cousin, friend, etc. that HE would like me to be.

So it is here that I close.  I also give you my thanks for getting this far if you've read this post to the end.  Lacking sleep, I have a whole lot to chat about and the time is on my hands.  It is also now that I close to pray with God as I try to put my mind to rest and allow God to give me peace, lighten my burdens and bless my spirit.  I ask the same for all of you my dear friends! May God continually bless you with the presence of His Holy Spirit in Jesus name I pray...Amen!

New Focus

So in hearing some of your responses, chatting with a couple friends of mine (one who is a genetics counselor the other an adoption agent who see's sono's all the time) I've decided to put aside the feedback I got from the pediatric cardiologist.

First, I'm told that VSD is very common. Second I'm told that while it "can" be associated with Downs, there are MANY infants who don't have any chromosomal abnormalities.  Third, it seems to me that many of these Dr.'s have brought up age issues with quite a few of us here and without justification.

All that said and I feel as though the first a foremost important priority is to keep Amelia safe and get her to term by bed rest and of course by my faith in Jesus Christ.

satan seems to know my buttons and unfortunately, I let him play on those fears instead of reminding myself how POWERFUL and MIGHTY our Lord Heavenly Father is.

So in seeing just how rediculous this assumption is, I'm certainly NOT going to freak out about it for 8 weeks.  We'll deal with it when and IF it even happens, but I'm NOT going to give attention to something we don't know is true.  God is the Great Physician and Ultimate Healer.  HE knows every cell and hair on Amelia's body.  As one reader has mentioned.  God does NOT make mistakes!

I had some pain last night and decided instead of just letting my mind wander, I would focus on God.  I was reminded last night of "The JOY of the LORD is my STRENGTH"  Then I continued on.  God must be MIGHTY proud.  In creating this little miracle inside me, He has also brought such a testimony to our lives not just ONCE but TWICE!  During this pregnancy, though on bed rest, Doug has taken on quite a lot of extra work around the house.  Our church family has started bringing us a couple meals a week to lighten his burden, we've been given to use a dorm refrigerator to use upstairs until we have Amelia and someone nominated us for free housecleaning services.

Can you believe it?  Starting next week, we have someone coming in one day a week to clean our home.  I feel like a gem!  It will feel SO ODD being here and having someone clean for us while I am laying down.  I'm not used to this OR this luxourious service. Both Doug and I are Grateful though.

It reminded me last night of the saying "it takes a village to raise a child".  That phrase couldn't be more true for us.  God has blessed us with so many friends both in real life and over the internet who have blessed our hearts, encouraged us, served us and prayed for us.  Amelia is a bi-product of all those who have been a part of her life from utero.

When I look at all that, I see just how Awesome God is and how much His hand is in Amelia's gestational growth, birth and onward.  As the Bible says, "When God is for us, who can be against us"? Romans 8:31

In closing, another blogger friend of mine responded by asking me to find that Scripture that will lift my spirits and remind me of Gods Power and Might.  This is what I've been leaning on thus far, but have never actually written or typed it out for me to see physically.  So I conclude with this scripture that I plan to focus on until we deliver our little Amelia in the fall.

Thus says the Lord…He who formed you…Do not fear…I have redeemed you…I have called you by name…You are Mine! …I will be with you…I am the Lord your God…Your Savior…You are precious in my sight…You are honored…I love you…Do not fear….adaptation of Isaiah 43:1-5

Another Hill To Climb. Will God Overcome This Obstacle?!

Today's appointment didn't go as well as I had planned.  In fact, it's left me more confused, frustrated and on edge than ever.

I've started blogging again because I wanted to jot down my journey. A journey I had hoped could only get better.  Thing is, there seems to be one hill after another to climb.  Just when we seem to reach the top, yet another hill to climb.

I'm getting tired.  Weak I suppose.  I see God, but I have questions. I have continued prayers for miracles to overshadow what man puts before us.

I'm sure your wondering what this is all about and since I don't have too many people I can share this with, I absolutely NEED to jot this down for sanity-sake.  

Today was the appointment with the fetal cardiologist for the fetal echocardiogram.  I was told it's something that is always done with women who are diabetics.  Thought I'd race right in, and then leave with good news.  INSTEAD, I find myself in a totally different place.  A place of unknown territory, fear and frustration.

We were sat down and the cardiologist asked if we were given the risks of being older parents.  I found the question to be a bit daunting as we weren't getting anywhere really.  Sure I was told the risks.  Last pregnancy they shared them all with me and figured they didn't need to go through it again.  In fact, I opted out of the testing with Jackson and did the same again this time with Amelia.  No matter what, we would keep our children if we are so blessed as to be parents.

After hearing from our own mouths what we were told, the cardiologist told us Amelia was safe from 90% of all MAJOR heart related issues.  We looked at each other and I was for the most part filled with relief.  In my head though I wondered about the other 10%.  

The other 10% he said that he had found a hole between Amelia's two ventricles.   He said he found this in each picture.  He was quoted as saying (and my husband understood as an RN on his cardiac unit) Amelia could possibly have what is called Ventral Septal Defect.  

The reason he went through the schpeal about risk factors of older mothers is because this Ventral Septal Defect is associated with Downs Syndrome Babies.

He asked if the Peri Center mentioned any issues with Downs upon seeing Amelia's sonograms.  Most often you can tell with the size of the hands and feet, I'm sure the head measurements as well.  We told him that all her sonograms came out Excellent.  

He said there is great possibility since Amelia's position wasn't really as good to take the sono pics that her rib may have caused shadows and there may not be a problem at all with Ventral Septal Defect, but in order to find out, He'd need to see us again in 8 weeks when she's bigger.

So here I am, confused.  We just had the cerclage put in last Thursday with hopes to keep her safe and alive to term and now THIS.  

I keep thinking how awful my body is and blaming myself for each issue that comes along with my kids. I'm trying not to let satan win here.  I mean, what does one DO with this information?!

The last thing a mother wants for her child is to struggle in life.  Doug and I know well that Downs children can live a full and happy life.  What scares me though is that we may not be around to guide and protect her when she gets MUCH older.  We're older parents.  Though the fact that I'm in my mid 30's doesn't really seem very old when you see the likes of the Duggars who have had many children and there are no downs babies.  I don't get it!  I just don't get it.  But we're no different from any other parent out there....whether they have a special needs child or not.  

My fear now is how much will she have to struggle IF she has this?  I do NOT want her institutionalized and am glad both Doug and I are equipped to give her as normal a life as we can.  But I can't help think that her struggles will be MY FAULT.  

Aside from jotting this down here, there are only two people in real life locally that I can talk to about this.  One being my Doula who actually HAS a special needs child and the other being a woman from church we've become REALLY good friends with.

The sad part about all this is that on boards that I frequent, I'm a rare case of someone who opted out of the genetic testing.  I purposely didn't get one with Jackson and I didn't get one now with Amelia because no matter what, She's a gift from God and we will love her no matter what.  But how do you share this with a society that would just assune terminate a pregnancy because the baby has possible chromosomal issues?

What's worse is that I'm not even sure how my parents (specifically my mother) will act with Amelia IF she in fact does have Downs.  I see how my mother is when confronted with people who are different.  It breaks my heart and so does the thought that people will feel sorry for us or treat my daughter differently because she may or may not have a disability.

Right now I hurt.  My heart hurts, my head hurts because I can't grasp what's going on.  In the end, I just keep thinking the first and foremost priority is to get her to term.  To be this little girls mother.  

We were told the heart defect, if there is to be one, THIS is the one!  It is very minimal and if she even needs surgery for worst case scenario, she can have the surgery at a year old and be fine.  Downs, well, we know that depending on the type she has, she can lead a perfectly normal and happy life.  Not of course the one we'd prefer...But God knows her place here and her testimony will be a great one.

In the meantime, I grieve for my baby girl.  I just don't know if it's even needed.  I mean...I pray this cardiologist is WRONG.  If he isn't, I pray that she will lead as normal and pain-free a life as she possibly can.  Then I think what can I do to make her life easier?  How can I share Jesus with her?!

Thoughts and decisions no mother ever wants to make.  I pray God gives me wisdom and strength for the road ahead.  If it be His will, let Him share another miracle with us!  To God be the glory...Forever!

Eventful Week!

Yes, I went in to have my cervical length checked last Wed. to find my length went from 3.2cm's down to 2.0.  I was admitted to the hospital that night and prepped for surgery the next day.

Though I was supposed to have a PRIVATE room when I got there, they put me in the same room with another gal who just had the cerclage operation I was to have the next day.  It went from bad to worse when half hour later, they were doing a heartbeat scan only to find the baby was dead.  My roomate started to cry and then of course I started to cry, having lost our son Jackson and KNOWING I'd be going in for the SAME surgery the next day.

The nursing staff knows my history and transferred me out of that room right away into a room by myself.  Poor Doug was in a panic trying to find me because he had gone for dinner only to come back to chaos.

Needless to say I never slept a wink that night.  The next day one of my favorite nurses came in to tell me my roomate had a lot more going on and that my circumstances were different.  She put my mind at ease but I was still anxious until they finally came in to take me to the surgery.  Before taking me, we had to find the fetal heartbeat.  Amelia almost gave mommy a heart-attack when we couldn't find the heartbeat for several minutes.  Turns out she was sick of all the noise every 3 hours and kept moving herself around!

Finally got into the surgical area where I was prepped.  The room was cold, had tons of medical equipment and the medical team was clothed in blue, with hairnets, gloves, shields and instruments.  Not at all a calming atmosphere.  I was put on the table and the anesthetist started the numbing sensation on my back for the "spinal".  It didn't hurt, just felt pressure.  I didn't like it!

They got me on the table, added that dreadful air to my nose for better breathing (which I could have done without) and started prepping for the surgery. The table lifted up and my bottom end started raising REALLY high.  I felt as though I would fall off the table but never did.

I was doing pretty well until the Anesthetist spoke of yesterdays surgery where the patient had a bulging sac.  I heard my Dr. Holler ENOUGH!  My Dr. knew that not only was that my roomate, but I lost Jackson due to the fact I was dialated and my amniotic sac was bulging.

That's when I began to panic.  I hollard that I was going to be sick and they added more anti-nausea through IV.  I slowly started to calm myself down and then the surgery was done.

I made the staff laugh when I told them the numbing sensation felt like I was running naked in the snow!  She must have liked it so much she shared that with my husband in the waiting room.

I was then taken to recovery where I spent two hours trying to get my darn toes to wiggle!  Upon arriving they told me I couldn't leave until I could move.  I told them I was ready to walk out myself.  The nurse laughed and said, "go ahead".   Umm, I seemed to have been paralyzed from the waist down. It was NOT my favorite moment as I'm pretty stubborn and want UP!  I don't want to have to spend anymore time in the hospital than I need to, and in order to leave the next day, I had to prove I could walk, pee on my own and without limited pain.

I did it all by midnight.  Though I was told I could leave that morning, someone forgot to sign the orders and I had to sit there until after noon.  I had Doug run to get my 17P (progesterone injections that stop preterm labor) and he called telling me he was chasing down my package because UPS refused to deliver to our P.O. Box.  This was a drug I NEEDED that day, so as I was released, we drove to UPS station where they had actually LOST the package.  Half hour later and we found it again. Phew!

So, here I sit on bed rest.  Today I'm 20wks and halfway to delivery day. YAY for me!  We're praying that stitch hold our Amelia in for another 20wks safely!

In the meantime I have so many people offering to help.  The church is making meals a couple times a week to lighten Dougs burdens.  Some are offering to clean our house (not much to really clean...just dishes, sweeping, vacuuming, wiping down bathroom and laundry).  My cup runneth over with all the help we are getting.  God is SO good!

This week I have a fetal echocardiogram which is normal for someone with Type II diabetes like me.  I can't wait to hear her little heart beating again.

I have my Doula coming with a backup to meet in case I go into labor when she's not around, and I have a scan this week to check and make sure all is well with the cerclage stitch they put in...then to the perinatologists office.

Something tells me that my life will be filled with appointments and bed rest.  I'll do anything for this little girl of ours! I love her deeply.  Thank You God for a second chance to be a loving parent!

A Precious Little Girl And A Funneling Cervix At 18wks

Came back from our scan and Dr. appointment. Good news is baby is doing well! The head measurements were good, and all the other organs and such were on target. We're scheduled for an echocardiogram for the baby which is a common thing to do with babies of Diabetic mommies but as far as she could tell the baby's heart was doing fine. They just couldn't see all of it because of the way the baby was positioned.

My cervical length went down YET again to 32 with slight funneling this time which ISN'T a good sign. I almost landed in the hospital today to keep an eye on it, but the Dr. said "A normal closed cervical length is a good indicator of a normal positive outcome." Meaning it's at 32 right now and it won't be ABNORMAL until it gets to 25 before they'll actually follow through with a cerclage stitch. Funneling to them doesn't matter because the cervix is still closed (this seems to be typical of IC though)

Funneling is basically the very top of your cervix beginning to open. If you imagine a plastic funnel used to fill a bottle with liquid, the cervix is looking exactly like that - kind of 'Y' shaped. The top of the Y being the part they refer to as "funneling". It isn't catastrophic because the rest of the cervix is still long and closed, but it is a sign of very early cervical changes.

So I'm going in WEEKLY now for internal scans To watch the cervical length.

I DID find out the gender though. This is all so bitter-sweet for me. I want to shout it to the world what we're having and yet...I'm afriad of losing this one now too. It's just a waiting game and while I have more intervention than I had with our son Jackson jeffrey, The Dr.'s in this state take a conservative approach to stitching the cervix because they aren't sure what causes what...if Incompetant cervix causes Preterm Labor or vise versa. They'd rather take the more conservative and less invasive approach.

So on with the gender:


I hope the pic isn't too big as I'm still having issues with photobucket re-sizing.

This image has been resized. Click this bar to view the full image. The original image is sized 800x647 and weights 80KB.

It's a Her name will be Amelia. Will you all keep us in your thoughts and prayers that Amelia will be born healthy at her due date either the last week of Sept. or 1st week of October?! We can use all the prayer we can get.

Disappearing Post Comments

Hm, I saw AT LEAST 3 comments on my blog the other day AND confirmations in my email.  Now they seem to be gone.  I appoligize to everyone who commented. I don't think I deleted them.  Has anyone had any issues with responses vanishing?!

Maybe it's just me!

Parties, illness, bacteria and newfound joy!

Hi there everyone!

It's been awhile since my last post, but things have been pretty busy on our end.  Our lives seemed to be filled with Dr.'s appointments, 17P injections, and prepping for the upcoming months.  I must say that I'm now at a point where I can enjoy this pregnancy.  I am at 18wks this week and the upcoming weeks will be quite the milestones for us.  Particularly wks 22 and wks 24.  Week 22 was my preterm birth with Jackson Jeffrey and week 24 is the viability milestone. 

So far things have been pretty good.  I've had bouts of infections.  There was bacterial vaginosis which we took care of at wk 4.  Then I landed in the hospital last month after announcing to our family that we were having a baby by a family game of charades.  Now THAT was fun!  The game not the hospital jaunt.

I ended up in the hospital with 9 hours of vomiting and diarrhea where they found out I had caught another bacterial infection from the busy Dr.'s office we were last in.  I spent the night at the hospital and while the baby was JUST FINE, momma thought she was going to die without water to drink because she was hooked to an IV with several leads!

Since then, so far so good.  While the 17P injections (thick gel-like progesterone given to stop preterm labor) hurt terribly and cause the muscle to swell, I'm willing to suck it up to keep baby where he or she needs to be.

We're looking forward to fridays scan which will not only monitor my cervical length, but if baby cooperates, we'll know the gender as well.  It will be nice to put a face with a name and be able to actually call our baby by name.  I had thought I would leave it a secret, but emotionally I NEED to bond with our little one.  I need to let the fear of loss go and enjoy this little one I'm carrying. 

Right now I get SO EXCITED just to hold our little one come fall but evenmoreso, I'm looking forward to Thanksgiving, Christmas, time at the beach, fun time at the zoo, etc. etc.  It's a gift and I know God will take care of our little one and guide me emotionally, physically AND spiritually through so we can hold a healthy, happy little baby at Harvest Time.

I'll be back soon!