The past few weeks have been pretty hard. Not only are we trying to pick up the pieces and walk forward without our son until we see him again in heaven, but my husband has been out of work for a week, because of another issue with his finger that kept bleeding for literally 4 hours at a time.
Add to that by the grace of God we were spared from what could have been a tragic accident concerning a ball joint holding on by a thread on the front passanger side, that both struts were absolutely shot and one severely leaking, leaving the drivers side tire bald...and a whole slew of issues that happened to take place, we have felt SPENT.
Even through our darkest moments, God has shown Himself through others. Believers and Non-believers, God has used both to share comfort and lift us up when we have felt we couldn't stand on our own. I can't imagine my life without God, nor could I even imagine going through the death of a child, and the other issues that have taken place WITHOUT the love and presence of God and those who overwhelmingly shared their lovingkindness with us.
While my heart hurts very much still, I am able to stand. Standing is good. I have made a new step. Now there are those who may suggest I get passed this and quickly, but I am learning that it's OK to cry, it's OK to feel the emptyness I feel. I must just remember that God is with me and I can STILL count on Him as He has shown Himself deeply with each new day.
I often reflect on the fact that He too, gave His son as a sacrifice for Sin. He watched His son go through such suffering so that MANY would not parish, but have eternal life. It says alot!
While it's unfortunate, I am also learning I am NOT, nor will I be THE ONLY ONE going through this. Over the past 3 weeks, I have met and talked with MANY women who have lost their child. MANY different ways.
In my bureavement group there is someone like me who went through the same exact pre-term birth. Another couple found themselves with the same genetic disorder, only to find out that they could not bare more children or they would find the same ending as their dear child.
I met someone that will soon share a resting place just in front of us. She is slightly older, but had her daughter pre-term at 22weeks as I have.
Another several have discussed how they weren't given an opportunity to hold their child or bury them. NOR did they have support.
Mothers who couldn't bare children who lost THEIR child through an adoption process.
They are all the same losses, yet different. Some were in early trimesters, some mid to late, others through the loss of the children who were born IN their heart who were prayed and waited for.
I am NOT alone. Sadly I feel for each family, each woman who still holds a part of their heart with their child/ren.
But there is HOPE for us. The hope that we can all one day unite in Heaven and hold our dear children tight for an eternity. A joy long awaited though for Gods timing, short. Thinking of the wait to see Jackson seems like an eternity here on earth, yet for God, it's a glimpse.
I think to myself, how on earth can I take another step? The son I've waited for 8 years is in heaven waiting for me. The hopes and dreams as I step out into the real world and watch life go on seems almost unbareable, yet through the tears, I find a glimpse of light.
God, I know YOUR here! I'll say. I see you all around me. He has even spoken boldly and yet I find myself asking questions and being so stubborn as He trys to lead me through this darkness I am in.
I am deeply sad, but not overwhelmingly depressed. I am standing, but am walking day by day with Gods hand.
Please forgive me if I don't post as much as I have. Just know that as I go through this "valley", I'm doing so with joy in my heart. Knowing the end result one day, will lead me to My God and Our son. Just today....TODAY, I need a bit of Gods sunshine. Today, I hold onto His promises and seek Him as He picks me up and carries me until my burden gets a bit lighter.
And to end the Title, "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30
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