A Raw and Unfiltered Healing Process

Tomorrow is our first counseling session. I am pretty nervous about it. Ok, REALLY nervous about it.
I'm usually pretty good about TALKING. THIS though, is a whole other ball game. I'm not really used to telling my inner thoughts to someone I don't know. Right now, this person that's inside me is hurt, REALLY angry, and pretty darn confused.

My husband is a quiet man, and thus doesn't say a whole lot. I think he needs this time. He deals with my depression lately, my rage, the anger at his parents, my parents, his friends who screwed us this past summer and to tell you the truth, he's trying SO hard to keep things together.

I can't imagine how he's kept it together this long without either bailing on me or losing it himself.
The day we found out that the reason all this happened was due to the mucus plug shedding because his dad was impatient and having road rage...not only drew me to RAGE, but to watch my husband break down in tears on the way back home just shed new light on just how much pressure the man is under.

I, at least, vent my anger. I'm MAD! No matter how mad I get though, it won't bring our son back. The son we've waited over 8 years for. And for what? Because his grandfather refused to be patient?! A man that has 7 other grandchildren. 5 from one son and new twins from the other......and he couldn't be patient enough to keep a child who was to be his grandson safe and healthy? What right has he to be that selfish?! Someone who preaches the gospel, yet refuses to even acknowledged HE caused the death of our son. No, I'm NOT HAPPY! I won't pretend everything is good at Christmas. It's NOT!

How though, can I deal with my own anger, my own sadness in the grieving process when my poor husband is trying to hold it together with the pressure from work (he's an RN), the anger we both feel towards both sets of parents, the sadness we feel, and the heartache we feel in wondering if we'll ever be able to conceive another child again.

As a believer of Christ, I try to put my full faith in Him and say, " He knows my desires and will provide again". But I also find myself saying, "Lord, I believe, but HELP my unbelief". That quote was from a father in the Bible who's son had passed away and as he asked Jesus to bring him back, Jesus told Him to BELIEVE...have FAITH. That's when the father said that to Jesus. Needless to say, if you've read that, you KNOW that the boy was miraculously brought back to life by Jesus.

There's alot of healing to be done. The healing process is RAW. It's not something you just get over. It takes time. But I pray I may step back for a moment and allow my husband to speak so that HE may heal too. There will be plenty of time for me to speak. I'm doing it right here.

I think this is a part of the healing process. A part of getting healthy. It's not JUST about exercise and weightloss. I think it's about balance and healing comes not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. When all three are taken care of, I think that overall health and wellness takes place.

Heartache and Thanksgiving

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

Though I have much thanks and praise for God in my conception and the birth of our son Jackson, today my heart feels slightly empty, a piece is missing and I hurt.  I must admit it's not easy to "celebrate" when a dream feels shattered.

My spirit understands the Truth however, and I know that while our son Jackson Jeffrey is with Jesus, it is God who gives me the strength to move forward with my life to represent HIM. 

So in the celebration of Thanksgiving and all that God has done in my life and within me, I will continue to praise Him through this heartache of mine and ask Him to heal our hearts during the most joyous of seasons.  What better reason to celebrate than to celebrate the season of the birth of OUR Savior who gave His life so we may KNOW and LIVE with God in heaven.

There IS a reason for the season as the saying goes.  It's what gives me the strength and joy and pleasure to celebrate at a moment I don't really feel much like celebrating.

Dear Lord, let MY life be a testimony shared with others for YOUR GLORY.  Thank YOU for everything in my life.  For I AM a mommy and I DO have a son who is now in heaven with Jesus.  Give me strength through rough days and help me to learn your ways o' Lord. So that I may be a light in this fallen world.  In Jesus name I pray...AMEN

Praise Be To God!

Come To Me, All You Who Are Weary and I Shall Give You Rest...A Mother's Heart-Cry

The past few weeks have been pretty hard.  Not only are we trying to pick up the pieces and walk forward without our son until we see him again in heaven, but my husband has been out of work for a week, because of another issue with his finger that kept bleeding for literally 4 hours at a time.

Add to that by the grace of God we were spared from what could have been a tragic accident concerning a ball joint holding on by a thread on the front passanger side, that both struts were absolutely shot and one severely leaking, leaving the drivers side tire bald...and a whole slew of issues that happened to take place, we have felt SPENT.

Even through our darkest moments, God has shown Himself through others. Believers and Non-believers, God has used both to share comfort and lift us up when we have felt we couldn't stand on our own.  I can't imagine my life without God, nor could I even imagine going through the death of a child, and the other issues that have taken place WITHOUT the love and presence of God and those who overwhelmingly shared their lovingkindness with us.

While my heart hurts very much still, I am able to stand.  Standing is good.  I have made a new step.  Now there are those who may suggest I get passed this and quickly, but I am learning that it's OK to cry, it's OK to feel the emptyness I feel.  I must just remember that God is with me and I can STILL count on Him as He has shown Himself deeply with each new day. 

I often reflect on the fact that He too, gave His son as a sacrifice for Sin.  He watched His son go through such suffering so that MANY would not parish, but have eternal life.  It says alot!

While it's unfortunate, I am also learning I am NOT, nor will I be THE ONLY ONE going through this.  Over the past 3 weeks, I have met and talked with MANY women who have lost their child.  MANY different ways.

In my bureavement group there is someone like me who went through the same exact pre-term birth.  Another couple found themselves with the same genetic disorder, only to find out that they could not bare more children or they would find the same ending as their dear child.

I met someone that will soon share a resting place just in front of us.  She is slightly older, but had her daughter pre-term at 22weeks as I have.

Another several have discussed how they weren't given an opportunity to hold their child or bury them.  NOR did they have support.

Mothers who couldn't bare children who lost THEIR child through an adoption process.
They are all the same losses, yet different.  Some were in early trimesters, some mid to late, others through the loss of the children who were born IN their heart who were prayed and waited for.
I am NOT alone.  Sadly I feel for each family, each woman who still holds a part of their heart with their child/ren. 

But there is HOPE for us.  The hope that we can all one day unite in Heaven and hold our dear children tight for an eternity.  A joy long awaited though for Gods timing, short.  Thinking of the wait to see Jackson seems like an eternity here on earth, yet for God, it's a glimpse.

I think to myself, how on earth can I take another step?  The son I've waited for 8 years is in heaven waiting for me.  The hopes and dreams as I step out into the real world and watch life go on seems almost unbareable, yet through the tears, I find a glimpse of light.

God, I know YOUR here!  I'll say.  I see you all around me.  He has even spoken boldly and yet I find myself asking questions and being so stubborn as He trys to lead me through this darkness I am in. 
I am deeply sad, but not overwhelmingly depressed.  I am standing, but am walking day by day with Gods hand.

Please forgive me if I don't post as much as I have.  Just know that as I go through this "valley", I'm doing so with joy in my heart.  Knowing the end result one day, will lead me to My God and Our son.  Just today....TODAY, I need a bit of Gods sunshine.  Today, I hold onto His promises and seek Him as He picks me up and carries me until my burden gets a bit lighter.

And to end the Title,  "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Thank You All Dearest Friends

Our son Jackson Jeffrey just before he went to be with the Lord.

My Dearest Friends,

I am at my parents on their computer and wanted to post a comment to you all.
Doug and I are feeling very lifted up right now and words cannot describe how much your love and prayers are keeping us held up right now. Our grief is great and we're still trying to understand everything but have found refuge and strength in God even when we do not understand.

Here's some things I wanted to share with everyone:
I went into early term labor because I was found to have Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) as it's called after the accident in September which caused me to lose my mucus plug. It wasn't caught until it was too late by medical staff, but even though Jackson was healthy and where he was supposed to be at his gestational period, my cervix was comprimised and thus allowed the amniotic sac to bulge through breaking my water.

Although our dear sweet Jackson wasn't ready to come so early, He bravely came when the time came.
I had the birthing experience I wanted. ALL NATURAL absolutely NO DRUGS even though they kept pushing morphine on me to relieve the pain knowing Jackson wouldn't live. I labored Wed. at 230pm until Thursday at 5pm. A total of 26 1/2 hours of full back labor. Jackson was born at 5pm on Thursday and lived for 25 minutes when he passed at 525pm.

His apgar score was excellent for where he was and we were told usually in these circumstances babies are born already having passed. Not our boy! He braved through a breach birth only having a swollen right eye....and while his lungs were too weak to cry, he moved his mouth and head, heard each word we were saying and even held my finger with his tiny little hand.

He weighed in at 13 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long. He was VERY tall with long legs, a long torso, Big feet like daddy's and big hands. His nose and mouth were also like daddy's. Spitting image of Doug as soon as he came into my arms only having MY spunk and personality.

God gave me the opportunity to birth the way I wanted and gave Doug the honor of cutting the Cord. We spent 25 blessed minutes with our son and are greatful and honored to be Jackson Jeffrey Shearer's parents. He is a brave little soul.

All I ever wanted for him was to be a light in this dark world and to know the Love of Christ. I believe Jackson has done both in the short time he was here. As he took his last few breaths, I said to the Lord, " I give my sons spirit unto you Lord" and to Jackson, I said, "Well done good and faithful servant".
I am forever indebted to God for our beautiful little miracle and though God loved him so much he wanted Jackson back, we are glad for the time we had with him and as my Aunt Lori said to me, we HAVEN'T LOST Jackson. We know where he is and he'll be waiting for us.

So now, we're trying to mend our broken hearts. There is a piece of both of our hearts that went with jackson on Thursday at 525pm. I'm not really sure HOW we'll mend. Only God truely knows that. But we feel the hand of God in our lives. SO MANY of you have come to our side in prayer, with compassionate hearts and even with giving hearts. Our burden seems lighter having so much support by friends, family and even those we've only met here on the net. Our cup TRUELY runneth over and God is working through each of you in order to help us move forward without Jackson Jeffrey.

We STILL need your prayers. Having given birth and going through all that mothers go through and all that fathers go through emotionally with helping in the birth experiene and cutting Jackson's cord and seeing that his son looks EXACTLY like him, well, it has left us at times, when we are home with time to think (especially in early am hours) that we are missing someone. We have gone through it all and yet Jackson Jeffrey isn't with us. God knows the reasons and we are not questioning Him, but we are asking Him to give us strength and we are giving Him thanks for the opportunity to be not only parents, but Jackson's parents.
We are STILL parents. Unfortunately we have to do what many parents dread and that's having to prepare to bury their child. His sweet body is here but we know His spirit is in heaven with Jesus.

In the end. We just want to thank EVERYONE for the outpouring of support and to let you know that while our hearts are very broken right now, God has given us the blessed opportunity that we've always dreamed of. I got my natural birth, and my son. Doug had the opportunity to cut the cord, see his son and we both had the opportunity to see our son ALIVE. Which is more than some have.

I attribute all of this to Gods great lovingkindness. If I had taken the medicaton the nurses offered, Jackson wouldn't have been so alert or maybe would have even parished before we saw him. God gave us that time and we are forever grateful.

Thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts and please continue to keep us in prayer as we bury our son this upcoming week.
Love to you all
Rebekah and Doug

Lost Our Dear Boy

Jackson Jeffrey Shearer was born October 22, 2009 5:00PM. He went to be with the Lord shortly afterward at 5:25PM. Those moments that we were parents were precious few. But we know we shall see him again. Today is the happiest and saddest day of our lives. Thank you for all of your prayers. Please keep them coming.

We're Having A...

BOY

Today we had our week 22 sonogram and found out we are having a boy. Words can't describe how excited we are.  I actually wanted a boy first to be a big brother to a sister some day.  If we had a little girl I'd be JUST as happy, but I'm quite glad with Gods choice. He just knew and created such a beautiful life.  My cup runneth over.

He still didn't cooperate with some of the measurements, but we have found out that he is 15 ounces.  Just shy of 1 pound.

We DO have a name, but we're keeping it a surprise until our little guy arrives. 

I have a theme picked out and I'm unsure if I shared it yet.  The nursery will be Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter.  A light lime green color with baby and medium blue.  It's so fun because we had these colors to begin with when we thought we were going to adopt.  So God just KNEW.

I cannot post the sonogram today because we are at the library.  I will update with a picture closer to November.

Blessings to you all!

Memories Of A Miracle ~The 18 Wk Sonogram~

Well hello everyone!

It certainely has been awhile since I've last posted.  We'll soon be moving and things are starting to get exciting now.  While we're not moving into a home of our own (not because we haven't tried, but because we haven't found a home that fits our needs for the price range we're looking for) we certainly found a rental that's in a nice area and is not only economical, but will allow our dogs, has 3 bedrooms and is just beautiful with cabnitry and even a two person sink for the bathroom.  Definately the hand of God.

I can't wait to get the baby's crib up and start decorating the room.  Not only will I be decorating the room, but also getting everything settled again.  Ah, but it will be SO NICE and less stressful than living with folks.  We'll try looking again next year to see if we can find something we like.

Now onto the updates:
I am now 18 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I still can't believe this has happened after 8 years without fertility drugs.  Just God and HIS timing.  Now that I CAN believe.

our baby enhanced. The sonogram is to the side because the baby was headfirst down.  Still can't tell if we're having a boy or a girl, but we're just happy we're having a BABY.

We went in for an anatomy sonogram with hopes to find out what we were having last Friday.  After deciding we didn't want to know in the beginning, the more attatched I become to this little one in my belly, the more I'd like to know just whom is "knocking at my door".  It's been SO HARD to buy neutral clothing.  I have a few cute outfits, but either I find too boyish or too girlish. 

As they started the sonogram we heard the heart rate which is now lower than it was in the first 10 weeks or so.  It was 147. That sound is SUCH a blessing to hear each time.  It's such a miracle to know that God is helping me grow something inside my body.  Makes me tear up everytime.

The sonographer got to measure part of the spine and arms and legs, but couldn't get everything like the brain and such.  Our baby is head first down. So measuring the head was almost impossible and the legs?  They were crossed.

Those who were praying the baby would cross their legs were Extatic.  NOW I have two grandmothers who are disappointed and one great grandmother who is waiting to find out what we're having. We called all the parents and Aunties to tell them...We had the sonogram and we're .......having A BABY!
Many thought we were intentionally keeping the sex of the baby from them, but in fact, we honestly DON'T KNOW.

Just like God to keep EVERYTHING a surprise.  We shall see if we see anything come week 22.

****On another note, I had a scare last night.  We were riding in a car with someone and they kept slamming on the breaks extremely abruptly.  I felt something odd and Doug had them pull over so I could have a bathroom break.  I started to panic when I saw huge amounts of mucous coming out and had to call my sister in law for answers.  After she calmed me down, we got home two hours later and I spoke to the Dr. on call who thought we were ok and asked that we call on Monday to check the cervical mucus and make sure the baby is ok. Doug as an RN checked my belly and all seems to be well, this may be something normal, but I don't know what "normal" is.

Baby weighs in at 7ounces and is right on track for the most part though. I can't express how joyful we are. 
It will honestly be nice to have a place of our own to enjoy this pregnancy together in privacy, but we ARE grateful for those who have helped us.

We should be online again regularly by the end of October. We pray all is well with our dear friends and I look forward to sharing more of our pregnancy soon.