Still Healing

It's been about 7 months and my heart still cries out for my son. Oh, it's better than it used to be. Hours of not sleeping and screaming out for my baby in the am's or the first time making love to my husband only to uncontrollably be crying. I wonder what he must have felt during those moments?!

There are still moments that trigger tears. A woman walking out the door as she slams her kid in a door and says the f-word without knowing what a blessing she has, seeing children born on or about the time Jackson was. The emptyness I feel when someone walks by me with a stroller. Quiet moments when all I do is stare at Jackson's picture and wonder what he's doing with Jesus, then as I ask our Lord and Savior to kindly share with my son that I love him, miss him and to please kiss him for mommy.

Life goes on YES. I'm sure the years will pass. But not a day or moment will go by that I don't think about my precious son in heaven.

Sometimes you'll find me in the cemetary just quietly walking around. I have comfort that there is much history in our cemetary and sadly many MANY women lost their children young. Like today, there are many who have lost more than one child and I just cannot imagine it.

Some may say I'm being too graphic with my post. I write because I share with others like me. Those who bore a child and wonder what to feel or how they'll move on. Making love to your spouse is a natural thing and sadly it's something that can cause much emotion after a premature loss. I'm sure we could take it a bit further to say any loss is a great loss.

The good thing in all this, is that while my heart still aches, my spirit knows I must move on. It's bitter-sweet that we move forward to try again knowing that my dear boy isn't with us. When people ask me if I have children I say yes. We have a dear angel baby waiting for us with Jesus. I don't mean a REAL angel of course. I won't get into that talk....but our son is very much himself and very much in heaven enjoying himself and honestly what I could give him here, well, there's no comparison.

I'm still working on his memorial quilt and can't wait to finish it so I can show you. Sadly It may not get finished until wintertime because our landlord foreclosed on all his properties and we have to be out by the end of June. Which leaves us packing YET AGAIN.

We had planned to start looking for a home of our own again in July. But with the time crunch, it's just not wise to buy in desperation and anything we rent now most likely will need a lease. So again we wait until another year to buy. I know God's timing is good so maybe there's a home out there He wants us to wait on. I'm at peace, I just long for stability and can't wait to have a home of our own where we're not paying over the top for our dogs or rent and where we won't have to be concerned when ppl foreclose.

Please keep us in prayer with this matter because he has refused to give us our 1195.00 deposit back and has even gone as far to say he'll file bankruptcy if any of his tenants file suit.We plan to file small claims court and may join a joint suit but are still praying on it.

We still have part of Jackson's stone to pay for and a small amount left on the second plot to place the stone we had hoped to have in by the end of this month.

I have no idea where we're moving, how we'll deal with the finances or anything else for that matter. I am tired, spent and emotional. I DO love God though, and I know He has everything covered. I just have a hard time grasping with my fleshy mind, how it will all come together.

I miss my Jackson. As we pack, I stare at the boxes filled with boys clothes and nursery items. Then there's his memorial board with our picture and comments from everyone who left kind thoughts for us.
I cry for my boy, but I smile thinking one day I'll see him again. He's in our future not our past, and it's refreshing to know it's not the end.

Blessings Dear Friends!

Why This Mom Of A Preterm Baby WON'T support march of dimes.

While they have "some" good intentions, their politically "in bed" and have an agenda and it's NOT to help those of us in the community who've lost their children through miscarriage and preterm birth.  Take a look at the email they just sent out:

 

"Women and Children Need Health Reform -- Act NowTake Action!

It's all over the news -- Congress is preparing to consider a final health care reform bill for the President's signature.  The bill is not perfect, but it does offer the chance to improve the health of and address the needs of women, infants, and children.

We need you to tell your Representative. Specifically ask him or her to vote "yes" on health reform because it will:
-insurers from denying coverage based on a pre-existing condition (such as a pregnancy or a birth defecit) and from imposing annual or lifetime limits on coverage.
-Require insurers to cover maternity care and pediatric benefits, including preventive services and treatments.

-Add smoking cessation counseling and pharmaceuticals for pregnant women to Medicaid in every state.
-Allow states to expand Medicaid family planning coverage (In other words ABORTIONS)- including preconception and interconception care -- without having to get a federal waiver.

You can make a difference in the lives of nearly 9 million uninsured children and more than 12 million uninsured women of childbearing age, many of whom would be eligible for coverage under health reform.  They need the improvements health reform can offer now. Speak up for them today by contacting your Representative."

Ladies and Gentlemen, not only will these actions RAISE the cost of Insurance for us all, March Of Dimes WANTS to use YOUR funds to help abort children! March Of Dimes says they use their funds for research on preterm births, however much of their research goes to stem-cell research on unborn children and to those they're politically in bed with who perform obortions.

 If that's not a slap in the face to those of us who've given birth to REAL babies preterm, I don't know what is.  We as a community should be mad about this! There should be an outcry in the streets about their practices and protests during the walks to raise more money for their "research" on unborn babies. 

Many of us either HAVE children in one way or another.  Some who've lost children or like myself have tried and tried and tried with many an obstacle.  Why the heck would we WANT to even PAY for someone to abort a child with OUR hard-earned money?! 

No, I walk for many charities and give my services to many but March of Dimes won't get a DIME from me!

Making A Difference Through The Pain

 This has been such a process. Grieving.  Those of you who've lost a loved one can certainely understand. Watching a child as he or she passes to heaven is just unthinkable.

I'm finding more and more that I'm able to BREATHE again. To know the hope we have through Jesus Christ that Doug and I will see our son again.  We'll reach heaven's gates, run for him, hold him in our arms and walk towards the Lord as we sit at His feet and hear His stories. As we glorify Him and maybe even learn the answers to those questions we have had here on earth.

We have an appointment with the hosptial soon.  We were asked if we'd feel comfortable sharing our experience with the Board Of Directors. Of course I said, YES! This is what I said I wanted to do since the day Jackson Jeffrey took his last breath.  I knew I couldn't do it right away.  But I knew I wanted to do this with hope that other parents would benefit from our great loss and disappointing experiences.

My desire is to take this to other hospitals in the state, maybe research hospitals here that don't have labor and delivery units and aren't even equipped to handle emergency cases and somehow help them as the woman from NJ did for the hospitals in her state.  Maybe we as grieving parents can ban together to make sure these procedures are brought to every hospital nationally. Not through nationalized healthcare...but somehow the hands of those who've been there have seemed to "just do it" and have seen the need and jumped in to change.  Continuing to be angry won't bring our children back.  What we CAN do is honor their memory by making a difference.

As I ask the Lord to help me put to words what we've experienced, I find a sense of healing. Over the last couple of months I've learned to knit and am working on a long term project in memory of our son.

I'm also hoping to move my blog (DONE), somehow get finances together for the graphics I know I want and create a charity site in Jackson Jeffrey's honor to help not just grieving families, but I may take it a step further eventually.  Right now I'm getting my ideas together and hope this will be a long-term project to share our sons memory even in his short life.

You see, even though he spent 25 short minutes with us in our arms, he was still a life.  He still changed our lives forever and Praise God, will share hope and love with those in need even beyond his litte life here on earth.

I am SO proud of my son.

Thank you God for our little guy. Thank you for your unconditional love for us, your peace, your strength and providing even when I doubted you. Thank you for our friends and family, for those who have given of themselves to help us heal and thank you for the hope and future we have in You Lord Jesus. I pray that You would continue to do a good work in us and that we may think of others before ourselves. Especially me Lord. Oh how I fall short sometimes.  But I am so grateful for Jesus. Thank You!

Celebrating Our Son

Today is my due date.  The day Doug and I had dreamed for quite some time.  Instead of dwelling on the crushed hopes and dreams we had for Jackson Jeffrey, I decided I wanted to celebrate something.  I didn’t just want this day to go by.  However, I also know that even though he’s not right here….there IS something to celebrate.  The fact that one day Doug and I will be reunited with Jackson in heaven and be able to share our love for our Lord together. 

In honor of our dear boy, I had Mrs. Fields make a cake with angel’s wings. It came out beautiful!  Then We had a few balloons made and I added Jackson’s name, REAL birthdate and if found, our address.  Then we let the balloons sore into the sky.  It was a beautiful site.

One Red- To celebrate our unending love and Gods unending love for US

One White-representing Jackson’s trip heaven-bound

A Gold –representing Doug, Bright Green for Mommy (me) and baby blue for our darling boy. Which we tied together and sent up to represent our eternal bond thanks to Jesus Christ.

It was a bitter-sweet moment for Doug and I.  To let go of our hopes and dreams for Jackson here on earth, but to have also found  a sense of peace because through our Hope in Christ we WILL see our son again.  He IS alive.  He’s just in Heaven.

A Call From The Hospital On Our Due Date

So today, on what would have been Jackson Jeffrey's due date, I finally got a call from Crouse Hospital.

It seems that there was miscommunication between a couple of people and I  was missed.  I sat for just about an hour chatting with the Director Of Guest Services about things that needed to be changed concerning bureaving parents.  I let her know I wanted to help and would volunteer in any way.

I was floored when she mentioned our experience moved her in such a way that she wanted to make sure no other parent had to go through some of the things we went through. I now have an appointment with not only the Director Of Guest Services, but will be presenting our experience to The director of Chief Quality, The Director of Nursing, The Director of Billing, And a couple more I cannot remember.

I just about fainted!  I didn't think I'd get past customer service...but my story has already begun to bring faces and names to those in positions to make a CHANGE.  This has been my hope since the death of our son. That NO OTHER bereaving parent would have to go through what we have.  To change policies, bring communication and bring some compassion to a tragic event.

Believe it or not, having spoken with other bureaving famlies, our local Syracuse hospitals, while they need work in certain areas, have MUCH more than many smaller hospitals.  I've met a dear family who because the hospital wasn't equipped with neonatal care nor any labor and delivery units or Dr.'s, she and her husband were thrown in a utility closet to deliver preterm.  They had no camera's for pictures of their little baby, no blankets, no little hats, no fetal monitors, no way to tell when her childs heartbeat stopped.

This shouldn't happen in our hospitals here in America!  I know there are funding issues, but even this family took it upon themselves to create boxes filled with paper, ink for the infants feet, a box for the bureaving families as well as information for each hospital.  21 hospitals in her state of New Jersey.

I would like to take this Nationally to be sure no bureaving parent has to go through anymore than they must.  Right now I'm starting slow....and over time I have many ideas to honor our son's memory by helping others.  But never did I expect that we would be meeting with so many Directors in the same room.  To actually be a part of REAL CHANGE so that no other family endures what we have. 

It's a step in the right direction when a hospital cares about the quality of their care enough to meet and work together to create real change for their patients.  Especially the little ones who we advocate for.

I did fine until I hung up.  Tears fell as I whiped them away and prayed that little ol' me and my dear husband could make an impact on someone's life.  I'm really not anybody special.  I just don't want to leave this world having never helped to impact anothers life or bless someone and let them know we care.

What a final blessing of the day to get this phone call. I pray I can represent other families and the children we advocate for and that I come across with grace and intelligence.

9 Years Ago...

I married my best friend.  Those days, Love was young and had no bounderies.  It was falling inlove with my friend and living happily ever after.

Pastor mentioned in our counseling session in the early days that Money and Selfishness can come between a marriage. At the time, what young kid thinks about that stuff when the strong feeling of LOVE overcomes you?

Today is much different.  I love my husband, but my perspective is MUCH, MUCH different than in the days of running free on emotions and fun, care-free dates.

As you get married, you start to find out that after the honeymoon phase, men think differently than women.  We are wired differently and have a need to feel safe financially, physically and emotionally and of course, most men have that need to provide for their families and the great need to be respected by their wives and children.

Later we run into LIFE.  Which doesn't turn out anything like the fairytale we as girls dream it would be.  What happened to wallowing in full happiness?  How is it that we are just managing to make ends meet?  This was us during my husbands college years.  He was going to college, interning and working full time.  It was THEN we decided that my prayer of being a homemaker would come to fruition before we had even planned.  I dropped my job at the time which made more during his school days, and I went home to provide my husband with homecooked meals, clean clothes, and someone to come home to on days that were stressful and chaotic. (there were lots of those at that time).  BUT we also knew that coming home, meant that we'd have to give up a WHOLE LOT.  We learned to live on his slightly above minimum wage job. I cut coupons, wrote manufacterers, found programs like Angelfoodministries, and cut costs in every imaginable place.

Those moments while some of the best, were FILLED with hills to climb because we gave up MONEY to be a family...or in our case a married couple.  One who were together when the other one was gone most hours in the day.

It was something we hadn't planned until we had children of our own, but in Gods own way, it became apparent that this was the right thing for us to do.

Then later, as we started getting used to things we moved BACK to Central NY where we're getting used to the higher cost of living once again and the taxes for everything under the son.
In the time we've been married, we've gone through financial destitution, to chaos of a HUGE school load, graduation, moving a million times, moving in with family and friends(which I will tell ya almost NEVER works), and most recently the loss of our infant child, our hopes and dreams went with him as did our heart.

As I began to reflect on our marriage...while there are many HAPPY moments, I recall those fairtale stories we see in the movies and thought how sad it is that most relationships and marriages are based on these unrealistic idea of what a marriage should be.

I think to myself, I don't want a marriage filled with a whole lot of happy moments.  I mean sure, who wouldn't want a life without trial? But If I think about it a bit closer I notice that  without those hills and mountains to climb how do you know the strength of your marriage?  How do you become who YOU are and not only find patience and strength, but through those things "lack in nothing" says God, without them? 

It's no surprise that we've had a rough year this past year.  As I fell to tears the other day wondering when things would change, praying for mercy and strength and hoping for someone to give me a guarantee, My husband not only grabbed my hand and prayed with me but shared the following with me:

February 9th 2001, I took your hand and married you. The woman I love.
During the times of financial struggle, I was there for you.
When we weren't sure how we would make it I held your hand.
When your grandmother passed away and you missed talking to her by an hour.  I held you and cryed with you.

When we walked through the parks, enjoyed our dear fosterdaughters as they played outside, when we laugh with the dogs each day or when you go crazy at the fair because there are sheep and goats....I hold your hand, laugh with you and smile.


When we weren't sure how we'd get through living with family and friends for the summer, when we didn't find the home we thought we'd buy, I held you close and reminded you that I love you and that God loves you.

When we found peace on our weekend trip to the Daks, when we found out that God blessed us with a child this summer and when we laughed as we picked our baby clothes and names.  I not only laughed with you, but loved you even more.

Finally, when we found out that you were dialating and we couldn't stop the inevitable, I jumped behind you, encouraged you and helped you bring our son into the world. When he was born, I smiled, As I cut the cord even when I knew he would die, I held our son with you kissed you both and with a tear in my eye, I helped you give our son Jackson's spirit unto the Lord.

 

No marriage is perfect.  But it is this year that I have been blessed to know that my friend I married so long ago, my husband.  I love him more and more with each new day.

God hand-picked us to be each others helpmeet. Through good times and through dark times. He knew there was no one else who could fit those shoes.  Nobody who could endure what we have endured together not just with our sons death, or the financial woes, moving strains, strains on relations but also with health issues. 

You see, while I strive to be that model wife and now mommy of a son in heaven, I fall short quite frequently.  More and more with age I'm learning it's OK to be different. NOT to fit the model.  I am quite expressive, my husband more analytical. I've never tried to be someone I'm not and looking back over the past 9 years.  Without these trials, without suffering...I'd never know who "I" was meant to be.  More importantly, in a marriage, how do you know how strong your marriage is when you only have the safety of happiness which is only a state of mind.  JOY is an "Attitude" of the heart, where happiness is a temporary emotion.

In conclusion, Today I celebrate my 9 year anniversary with the man I most-heartedly love.  His words of wisdom, his prayers at night, his laughs, his love unconditional, the way he loves Jesus and most importantly the way he forgives me in times I am not the Proverbs 31 Woman that says "her husband and family call themselves blessed".

God knew my heart, He knows my strengths and weaknesses and fit me perfectly with my husband.  I am his helpmeet, his wife.  The roll I play is special and I love it.

As my husband Continues to be the man God made him to be, I too continue to pray for strength, mercy, FAITH,  LOTS of love, to be kind, to listen, respect and honor the man I married 9 years ago.

 "Who can find a virtuous woman? for her price is far above rubies." Proverbs 31

With God as our center, who can come against such strength?!

My husband finished by saying that in life, there are joys and there are trials.  There will be times when a couple argues. There are sad times and there are times when we find that we disappoint ...but what we always find is that NO MATTER WHAT, by the grace and love of God we ALWAYS come back to each other.  We support each other through.

Climbing a HUGE Barrier One Step At A Time.

Today I called the hospital and spoke with the CEO's executive secretary Wendy. I did this to get the ball rolling on a promise I made when we watched our son go home to be with Jesus.

This is a HUGE emotional and spiritual obsticle for me as there have been MANY a hill to climb since October and the fact that I haven't much trust for Dr.s these days.  My heart longs to set things straight so that no other grieving parent ever has to endure what we have.

The past few months I've gone from a deep depression, to blaming myself, blaming others, anger, RAGE, and now while my heart still cries out for our son Jackson, my heart and spirit are finally able to do what my mind has told me needs to happen in order to move forward.

This is THE hardest part of the whole ordeal because I DON'T WANT to move forward without my baby! I don't want to leave my hopes and dreams for him behind. The fact that I would be holding him soon, playing with him as a toddler, watching him grow to be a man and cry at his wedding as he takes a vow to love, honor and charish his wife before God.

Truth is, Jackson is LIVING in heaven. So it's time to LIVE here on earth and find joy here on earth even in trials.

So as I held the phone close, shaking. Wondering what in the world I would say. Trying to keep myself calm and focused. I found the person on the other side of the phone (Wendy) to be a voice of compassion. I did not hollar, nor did I point a finger. I held myself exactly as I had hoped I'd be. We can't change things if we're not willing to be a part of that change.

I wrote a list of things along the way that happened, and rewrote (probably will do it again) in order to get my point across to change some policies to help other grieving families in the future. I have several other calls to make to be sure that I'm understanding some things correctly before I present them to the hospital staff.
THEN, I plan to offer my own experiences in helping to implant these new policies and volunteer if they need any help to do so.

I'm not quite sure HOW this will all play out in the end, but I DO hope that some new policies will be put in place and some organization in other areas.

I'm not God nor is there anything really special about me to think that "I" am some great person in all this. I know I'm not. In fact, many of you have seen a part of me that's not quite pleasant to be around. I'm not blind to this. But I see God working in my life and in my husbands life to bring healing and to teach. Faith, Trust and HOPE. Something while I "say" I have, a person with HOPE doesn't hold themselves in fear and hopelessness. God is a source of STRENGTH beyond measure and filled with HOPE.

I was reminded yesterday that Special Olympics is taking place soon. Lets look at these folks young and old and see that while they have disabilities of some sort, they look PAST them to be who they ARE. That is not only inspiring, but convicting as well. That they find HOPE and have much FAITH to overcome obsticles that are everyday for them. Yet they overcome victoriousely.

In the end, I can either hold on to the pain and anger, OR I can let it go and TRUELY make a difference in the lives of others which will enable me to find TRUE acceptance of a tragedy and change the course.
This month, I have taken the sock I wanted to knit in my grieving and took a class to finish it. I have the leg and foot done and now working on the toe.

I purchased two different materials to make Jackson's memorial quilt.
I called the hospital to make an appointment in order to share ways they can change with hopes to help other grieving families in the future.

There's more on my list to accomplish, but I'm well on my way and am quite proud of how far both my husband and I have come in such a short period of time.