New Beginnings

Good news!  While there are still some issues going on, both physically, emotionally and spiritually, I'm starting to BREATHE again and looking forward to starting the new decade on a more positive foot.

Depression that has been lingering since October has left me in a "worse case scenario" outlook on life. You know the deal....the what if's, the why's and instead of focusing on a positive outlook...waiting for the worst to happen. I wasn't really sure I'd ever get out of it. But today is yet another day that I'm able to enjoy life again. Yesterday was even better spending the day with my husband.

I shared the last time that I was scheduled for a surgery that didn't exhist from a Dr. who closed up shop. Well, I got into an emergency appointment last week and after looking at EVERYTHING, the OB said I didn't have any parts of the placenta left and everything was going to be alright. No surgery needed. Bitter-sweet news. As what Dr. would suggest a D&C that wasn't needed after having been told of tragic events of a miscarriage and the need to move forward with closure?

I've been having pain on the left side of my chest thanks to the bcp's that Dr. put me on and the new OB took me right off them. I have to wait for the meds to get out of the system with hopes this pain goes away soon.

The good news? In a month, we have a discussion on where we'd like to go. Obviousely we'd like to try again. Part of me is scared, but there's no room for fear. How can one find joy if we suffocate from fear of taking any kind of risk at all?

There's more good news. After going to the new Endochrinologist (my second new Dr.) I received results from the labs this Sat. My thyroid levels are wonderful, my hemoglobin A1C is EXCELLENT at 6.4. My goal is in the 5's for TIGHT control. Coming from 9.0 a year before Jackson was conceived and having been in the low 7's while carrying him, I'd say this is an excellent start to EXCELLENT control. Especially if we plan to try again!

The only thing that I wasn't expecting was that he took a Vitmain D level and I have a Vitmain D deficiency. This is THE FIRST TIME I've ever been checked for this by any Dr. and I've suspected it for about 5 years as during the winter I felt like I had SAD. My level is 21 and I looked up numbers. Normal is between 50-80. I'm extremely low! So I've been prescribed 50thousand Units of the vitamin. WOWEE! This is once weekly then once monthly after.

Finding this is absolutely WONDERFUL because there are several things that this will help. I haven't slept without medication since October. This happens during winter where I can't sleep. It should level hormones and there are other helpful thing that could come from this as well.

All in all, between these lab results, the OB appointment next month, the fact that we're seeking counseling for the emotional aspects and after affects to the miscarriage, and finally seeking God through it all.....I do believe that I may be on my way to recovery. This is excellent and I can't help but have a great attitude!
I haven't been on much because there's been alot going on in the past few weeks.

This week I plan to make an appointment for the chiropractor, the dentist for us both, and order contacts. Spring I plan to make the eye dr. appointment and continue to walk, walk, walk!

So ((BREATHING)) today I feel Great! I see light through all that darkness and of course God has given me HOPE and a future. I look forward to this year of renewal of mind, body and spirit. Gods presence in my life and looking at even the harder things in life with a hopeful attitude instead of hopeless. God is all about Hope.

Before I go, I'd also like to share that I've taken on some peaceful past-times to help in the healing process. November I got it in my head I wanted to knit socks. I bought the yarn and couldn't get it. I took a class and met a LOVELY bunch of women and I'm proud to say I have not just the cuff, but the leg of the sock finished.

THEN, to add to the healing process, I decided to start a "memory quilt" in memory of Jackson Jeffrey.
His room was going to be Beatrix Potter's Petter Rabbit and Friends, so I chose that fabric for the center divide of the squares, and Doug picked out the cutest little pattern of Peter and His friends for the bottom divide. Now I have to pick out meaningful squares to surround what will be a square with his name, birthdate and picture.

THIS ladies and gentlemen, will take some time. It's not just another quilt, and has SO much meaning. Not to mention healing in it. Once it's finished, I hope to share it with everyone and plan to work with MY experience to help other bureaving parents. One step at a time though! Just wanted to share a bit of my life with you as God works to heal not just our bodies, but our minds and spirits as well. Something long-awaited, and will take as much time as needs to.

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen

. Hebrews 11:1

Dealing with Worry and Anxiety Scripturally to get through the pain

Pastor Bill gave a sermon today that spoke to many of us...but I felt as though it was specifically for me. I guess I can share it here with everyone.

He went into Philippians 4:6-7
Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.

He explained 4 things God says through that passage:
1. Prohibition- He prohibits us to worry which causes anxiety. Worrying will NEVER help.
2. Promise- God promises that we'll find peace which surpasses ALL understanding and guard our heart and minds if we follow HIS guidance above.
3. Provide- He provides PROTECTION and will provide for our every mean. Our needs.
4. Preserve- If we fix our eyes on GOD first. Pray to Him BEFORE we have that crying fit of angst (which I haven't quite gotten yet), He will preserve our minds, our hearts, our spirits and everything else because we've sought HIM and HE's the one with the strength, the means to overcome.

Finally, I thought to myself...how the heck do I remember to do this when I feel overwhelmed with grief, anger and an inability to control my own environment?

Pastor reminded me of the following in philippians verse 8:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

There are other references if anyone would like to check them. I won't post the full scriptures...I'll let you look them up:
Matthew 6:27
Proverbs 12:27 is an AWESOME teaching tool that spoke to me too.
Psalm 37:7-8
Psalm 56:3-4
Psalm 94:18-19

The Plot Thickens...

I'm still in shock and there's MUCH more to this than I can reveal...I'm still angry, confused..pretty much a basket-case but PRAISING GOD. I had no idea His plan in all this but the Dr.'s license was revoked.

My heart aches at the hope he gave us as a "Christian" Dr. and the procedure I STILL need done...but God provided protection from a potentially hazardous situation.  I may be deeply DEEPLY upset and betrayed....but God knew what HE was doing and made it clear even though my heart WANTED this.

Praise be to God and I'm just continuing to pray for emotional and spiritual as well as physical renewal.  This has added to such sadness, yet I am grateful to God for loving me even when I didn't understand!

Something To Help Ease The Pain

Knitting In The Round

Picture and tutorial by Knitty.com
Went to Knitting in the round class to learn the method in order to finish knitting the socks I started. Therapy so to speak.  While early, I seemed to get up and make it to the class.  I must say the class didn't first start out the greatest. I was behind with casting on and it only got worse with one of my neighbors who decided she needed to figit with her feet up n down while counting ALL her stitched, getting confused and starting over again when she lost count. THIS in tern caused ME to lose count and in the corner of my eye, see her foot stomp a million times fidgiting.  Drove me up the WALL. Haha

I suppose I needed the laugh today though.  Once I tilted a bit and tried to block her counting I started getting it.  I'll most likely go to the store on Monday for extra help as there is a two week gap and I'm noticing one side in the round is missing stitches and it's driving me up the wall!

 It's funny though how God puts others in our midst who DO support us at unexpected times.  A friend of mine from Idaho who called me as I balwed yesterday, and even my knitting group today...my first knitting class and here was the teacher going through her own trial with her parents health failing, another woman making helmet covers in honor of her loved one who passed from the war, a mother who was dealing with fertility, another one empty nester.  We all just met today and yet there was peace in that time of learning to do something...to make something with our hands and finding the ability to encourage each other through knitting to relax and find joy.

Three of us have decided to start a Saturday Sock Knit-in after our last class.  My other neighbor at the class?  The empty-nester?  She's a quilter and after hearing another idea I had,  is going to help me start a project that I'll be posting in a month or two that "could" help others too.  I'm getting my supplies and learning FIRST so I can share later my intention.

So I found a moment of peace, more time to heal and time to come down from the crying fit of rage I had yesterday.  Today, God has given me a clearer mind and is guiding our footsteps to safety. Not really sure yet how all this is playing out...but I know He knows.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Doug and I trudged through the snow as we visited Jackson Jeffrey's grave.  For the winter, we added a simplistic cross made out of twigs, some pine cuttings and hollyberries.  We made a heart in the snow.

The candle in the snow was placed there one day and we didn't know how it got there.  All of a sudden a woman came over, hugged me and started to cry.

"You've been on my mind", she said.  Turns out she too lost her little girl at 22 weeks gestation.  We had alot in common. Then she proceeded to tell us her mom had passed away without notice from cancer.  her WHOLE family purchased plots the first two rows and she will be our neighbor when we are laid to rest.

I found it neat.  The place is beautiful and peaceful.  I find solace there thinking of Jackson being with Jesus if he can't be with us.

Meeting our new friend was bitter-sweet, but I look forward to getting to know her and her family.

Rest in Peace Dear Loved Ones.  May Jesus continue to comfort those left behind!

Raw Anger and Disappointment In The Medical Community and A Little Self-Pity

I received news today that has absolutely DEVISTATED me to the point of not knowing who to trust anymore.  I wonder what I've done?  Why can't we seem to get a break somewhere.

Many of you now know that I've found closure with the latest OB who gave us the news that Jackson's death wasn't due to the diabetes or hypothyroid but in fact from a missed mucus plug that was shed.  He put me on BCP's for a month, had me skip the last week and continue with the following months to get the lining thick for the surgery (D&C) I was supposed to have on Tuesday.

Haven't heard from him, I had my husband call this morning for the official time of surgery on Tuesday to get rid of the rest of the placenta only to find He closed up shop.

He NEVER even called me?! So here I am taking BCP's thickening my lining for a surgery I'm not having with placenta pieces in my body that has made me ill.  ALL pertaining from Octobers mess of losing our son Jackson Jeffrey.

I'm FRUSTRATED.  Honestly this is toned down a WHOLE LOT.  I feel abandoned....wonder why with Gods power and strength He just can't give me a bit of room to breathe.

God doesn't give us more than we can handle....Ummmmm I'm not going there.  I'm on my KNEES begging for mercy here and I'm sick and tired of being every Dr.'s guinea pig!  Not only was this closure for health reasons...but it gave that glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe we could try again. 

We were perfectly FINE to adopt all these years.  It was our plan!  Still is someday when the financial means becomes available.

Then the beautiful miracle of Jackson came and he was taken from us so soon.  I want to adopt....I'd LOVE a mansion full of children at this point but I also want that opportunity to experience pregnancy and a full term birth with a child we can watch grow long into adulthood. 

I want to adopt...yet the cost is either too far out of reach for us or the process dictates how thin I must be, how many other children I can or cannot have in the home or continues to throw abused children back with their parents only to send them back at an age that will make it hard for them to mainstream back into a structured environment.

To say I'm disappointed is an understatement.  I NEED closure from my sons death already.  I need NOT to feel sick everyday...I want to be without nosebleeds at night or dryheaving because I can't catch my breath from missing my son who didn't have to die had anyone listened to me.  Most importantly I think of the children I long to have......The ones through conception and the ones who struggle right now and are waiting to be in my arms through adoption.

I grieve for THEIR mommies and pray for them too. It's not easy to give your child/ren to someone else.  It's an honor to BE a mom and just as much an honor when you get the opportunity to raise a child someone else put THEIR trust for you to raise. I know in some circumstances it's not with their permission and they just couldn't be what their children needed at that time...but I STILL pray for these women.
I'm confused and angry and UGH!

If you learn ONE thing from this situation.  NEVER take for granted the children you DO have.  Go hug your babies .  Remind them you support them and hear them and pray for them and while life isn't always easy, you'll be there for them. 

Know that life is precious and that not everyone has the blessed opportunity to have or hold a child.  Not even adoption or fostercare system is easy.  It's amazing how many people would like an opportunity yet get thrown around as they continue to throw the kids around the system for the almighty buck to help the state and NOT the child.

So my heart hurts and I'm left abandoned yet again. I just wonder where God is in all this?? I know He's here, He just seems so far away.  I feel a wall separating us. One in which I put up due to my own fear, anger, resentment and RAGE.

Response Message to Rachael

Racheal, I left another comment after your last one, but since you don't seem to have a blog here and haven't left a blog URL, I thought I'd post here on my main page too with hopes you'll see this my friend:

Hi Rachael,

Ah, now I know what you speak of.  You were speaking of our bureavement group.  There was one couple who lost their baby as we did.  He was 30 weeks.  10 weeks shy of delivery.  She was at a hotel and gave birth all of a sudden.  Her experience was like mine and while WE had closure (bacterial vaginosis...which now we know is because bacteria got into the cervix due to the mucus plug) the other couple had no closure because there were no answers from the placenta testing.  She asked if we had any answers with hope that THEY too may find them.
The couple your referring to is a whole different couple.  They both carried a gene that caused their child to have several birth defects.  He couldn't live with how severe they were and thus, he passed.  Leaving them sad, frustrated, but now with closure that they should no longer ttc with the genetic disorder.

We don't have that genetic disorder.  as the last couple.....our story is similar to the first couple who just seemed to dialate too early.  Though mine is something due to the mucus plug which in most cases stays in.

Some wise words for you dear friend...With a new pregnancy, you could drive yourself to tears with all the things that "could" happen.  The books that not only show you each trimester, but give you worst case scenareo's, testing for birth defects, etc.

I will tell you with my experience that it's something you shouldn't get too focused on or you will not find JOY in your pregnancy.

I had JOY in my pregnancy. I felt AWESOME in fact.  Better than I had in years.
My situation CAN happen, but it's not all too common.  In most cases, when a mucus plug sheds, if a person is LISTENED to as the nurse said above, you can still keep the baby from bacteria by what's called a cerclage...or tie the cervix and bedrest.

As far as birth defects.  I denied every testing, because we would keep the baby anyways.  When we had a second thought about testing jackson with the "bloodtest only and sonogram" for birth defects, none took.  We decided that was Gods way of confirming exactly how WE felt.  So we didn't pursue.

But please know that you'll scare yourself and take away from the JOY in pregnancy if you look too much into the negatives.  LISTEN to your body and when something doesn't feel right, follow through.

Thats what my message is about.

Much love to you dear friend and may you have a healthy and JOYFUL pregnancy in Jesus name.  AMEN

A Glimpse Of Healing

Today, to spite the fact that I was on edge all morning and scuffing my feet around, I found our first counseling appointment to be quite healing.

There is obviously some issues both of us have to deal with concerning our sons death. I, obviousely am the more vocal one dealing with pretty bad anger, rage and trust issues. I trust absolutely NOBODY. I love my husband, but the past years events have only made my trust issues even harder to deal with in our marriage. Don't get me wrong. I LOVE my husband. It's not a matter of divorce or anything. Just a matter of communication issues pertaining to the events in our lives. I, have to learn how to communicate and listen to my husband and HE needs to learn to communicate and not dodge confrontation with just about everyone. He's just a peaceful guy. He wants everything to be better, he doesn't like confrontation or chaos. But then, who does really?

I felt bad for the poor counselor as I shed the anger today. Anger with my inlaws, the hospital, my own parents, myself. shoot. I'm just MAD!

After all was said and done though, I left with a HUGE block off my shoulder. I felt like I could sleep for days. I'm whiped out!

Because of the issues we've been facing, he said he'd like to see us again next week, after my surgery. He'll also be seeing us between our anniversary/sons due date.

We were going to go FAR, far away for an anniversary. I'd like FIJI. Haha, but we can't afford it and I'd really like to be near our two little dogs too. just being together means alot to me right now. SO, we're making a SPA appointment. Spare no expense I say! I'm getting the works. My husband, who loathes anything "metrosexual" for a burly guy is doing this for me. It's a couples spa day. I must say, while he's opting OUT of the Parafin treatment and teh darn foot massage, he WILL accept the back massage. I say, "do as you please, I'll be getting the works...pass the champagne please! Oh, and the berries too".

So today, while emotionally taxing. I think this counseling is going to help us both. As much as I need "anger management" he needs to know how to speak up to certain people without feeling intimidated. Which I don't seem to have a problem with. My issue? Let me deck them all for the pain they've caused. Give me a snowball and let me wrip em! Hand me my dishes and let me hear them break in the driveway. Anything that will help in the healing.

I hear ya...no amount of violence will help or bring back my son. Haha I need racket ball or some sort of dodgeball to take my frustrations out. Haha
Praying for the new year to bring a newfound healing

BV, Genetic Disorder, or something else?! Answer to a question

Another blogger has asked me a question that I thought I'd answer.

In the beginning, after I gave birth to our son Jackson Jeffrey, we were given a couple reasons for the end result.  After testing the placenta however, the final result was "bacterial Vaginosis" which I was told was a FREAK thing and wouldn't happen with every pregnancy. That's given we'd actually get pregnant again, but that's a whole other story.

I don't think I ever said it was a genetic disorder, though I was concerned that Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) or side affects from it like Type II diabetes and/or the hypothyroid caused our sons death. I blamed myself because of these issues for quite awhile.  The following new results are bitter-sweet.  We've found some answers and are finding some sort of closure.

After going home, researching what we were told and then knowing that our sons apgar score was actually EXCELLENT for his gestation. Things weren't adding up.

SO ((SIGH)), after hearing our concern, a woman I met at a womens outing mentioned her OB who has done in-depth studies and it might be to our advantage to just talk with him.

After SEVERAL hours in his office, looking over hospital records, medical records leading up to his birth, listening to the events that took place, we found quite a few things.  He started talking (the new OB) and one thing after another started making sense vs. what we were told by the origional Dr's.

Here is what took place:
Outing with someone who was impatient and decided several times in a road rage to SLAM on the breaks.  An hour later, I lost my mucus plug.  I suspected it could be that, but there was no blood.  Made an appointment with whom we were told was THE ONLY high risk center in 7 counties for our area (because I've got diabetes, not because it was an issue, but to be monitored).  NEVER saw any of the perinatal Dr.'s.  In fact, only saw the nurse practitioner who instead of LISTENING to me, decided to go by the songrom from the day before the incident where we were told cervix was fine and nothing was wrong.

Even after several appointments, the nurse practitioner STILL ignoring my plea. Had she and the Dr.s actually done their job, they'd have found a shed mucus plug, would have been able to insert an antibacterial type suppository and cerclaged the cervix.

Our new OB has let us know that Bacterial Vaginosis is an excuse to throw out when they cannot explain why bacteria has found its way into the amniotic sac and placenta.  In which case, had they looked and known, the mucus plug is there to keep bacteria out.  When shed, it allows bacteria into the vaginal area which causes inflammation and in the end, caused the amniotic sac to bulge through before Jackson was actually ready. Thus pushing him out before he was ready.

So all this to say it wasn't a genetic disorder.  If it were Diabetes or hypothyroid, we were told by several different OB's, that I would have miscarried in the first trimester and I was in the second.

It WAS bacteria in the vaginal area.  But it was caused by something.  There was no more plug left, which allowed bacteria up to the placenta and amniotic sac where it wasn't corrected. THUS causing the death of our son.

Now I know there will be MANY wondering why we aren't suing.  Fact is, it would cost FAR more than we could afford, is too hard to prove, and honestly isn't what we feel God would want. 
Instead, I'm using this time to grieve and will use this tragedy to make an impact in the lives of OTHER parents so they will NEVER have to go through this again.

Suing won't bring Jackson back, Education and Awareness will at least impact lives and HIS life and legacy will live on FAR beyond those beautiful 25 minutes we had with him. 

I share all this information with hopes to answer questions for those who wonder and to inform women to TRUST their intuition when things don't seem to be adding up and when they feel something is wrong and they aren't being listened to.

Take time to KNOW your body, don't be afraid to FIRE nurses and asking for another one, get rid of your Dr.'s if they aren't listening to you and if like me, your told they are the ONLY ones in the area.....choose LIFE and be willing to travel so you may get better care.  Speak UP to CEO's, speak up to Dr.'s whose office staff are rude and know that THEY work for YOU.  If you aren't being listened to, odds are, you won't get the best personal care and bedside manner.  NOTHING is worth risking your health or in our case, the health of our babys.

So I hope this answers the questions that have been lurking out there for me.  I wouldn't ordinarily be throwing this information out, but this is SERIOUS information that could possibly help someone in the future.  So I open my heart, our experience and our lives so that someone else may find answers BEFORE something like this happens.
Thank You for asking!

Hospital Commercial Puts Me Over The Edge

The past two days, their commercial claims to be the best hospital for prenatal/postnatal and emergency care for infants.

I see an infant that was delivered through emergency C-section that they said they saved.
I see one that was delivered preterm that they saved.
a set of twins they saved.
And another one I can't remember.
How do I feel???  I'm PISSED OFF! 

Then why was I asked to stay or leave by the intern who said they couldn't do anything because I was short a week and a half.  Why did they say they were just going to wait until he was born and there was NOTHING they could do??  Why was I given that option and WHY didn't they call the attending or the perinatal physicians who would have started right away to try and stop the dialating instead of waiting until the next day when it's too late and my water breaks?

Why did we have to go to the 7th floor where they wheeled a new born baby boy past us...while we had to fill out Jackson's Death certificate? 

Why don't they provide any clothing that fit a child that small instead of leaving a mom feeling as though she fell short to provide even the smallest of clothing for her child not to mention fell short of trying to fight for his life?!

Finally, Why is it that just this week, we receive a letter with a bill attatched demanding we provide Jackson's Health Insurance card or PAY UP Including state TAX?!  In fact, how is it they even got his name when his name wasn't even acknowledged when asked.  Baby boy S. was the name.   Oh, we called them to let them know we DON'T HAVE a card...that our son is DEAD.  We demanded to know how this mistake happened when they couldn't seem to jot down even his name while he was alive!  We demanded an apology as well.

I keep saying this over and over and over again.  I AM going to contact the head CEO.  I don't want another parent going through what we have and are going through.  However, I'm waiting so I can go in with a level head and with some sort of tact and gentleness to offer my help with the experience we've had.

But what I DON'T want to see is how you saved all these baby's lives and refused to save MY CHILD!

A Raw and Unfiltered Healing Process

Tomorrow is our first counseling session. I am pretty nervous about it. Ok, REALLY nervous about it.
I'm usually pretty good about TALKING. THIS though, is a whole other ball game. I'm not really used to telling my inner thoughts to someone I don't know. Right now, this person that's inside me is hurt, REALLY angry, and pretty darn confused.

My husband is a quiet man, and thus doesn't say a whole lot. I think he needs this time. He deals with my depression lately, my rage, the anger at his parents, my parents, his friends who screwed us this past summer and to tell you the truth, he's trying SO hard to keep things together.

I can't imagine how he's kept it together this long without either bailing on me or losing it himself.
The day we found out that the reason all this happened was due to the mucus plug shedding because his dad was impatient and having road rage...not only drew me to RAGE, but to watch my husband break down in tears on the way back home just shed new light on just how much pressure the man is under.

I, at least, vent my anger. I'm MAD! No matter how mad I get though, it won't bring our son back. The son we've waited over 8 years for. And for what? Because his grandfather refused to be patient?! A man that has 7 other grandchildren. 5 from one son and new twins from the other......and he couldn't be patient enough to keep a child who was to be his grandson safe and healthy? What right has he to be that selfish?! Someone who preaches the gospel, yet refuses to even acknowledged HE caused the death of our son. No, I'm NOT HAPPY! I won't pretend everything is good at Christmas. It's NOT!

How though, can I deal with my own anger, my own sadness in the grieving process when my poor husband is trying to hold it together with the pressure from work (he's an RN), the anger we both feel towards both sets of parents, the sadness we feel, and the heartache we feel in wondering if we'll ever be able to conceive another child again.

As a believer of Christ, I try to put my full faith in Him and say, " He knows my desires and will provide again". But I also find myself saying, "Lord, I believe, but HELP my unbelief". That quote was from a father in the Bible who's son had passed away and as he asked Jesus to bring him back, Jesus told Him to BELIEVE...have FAITH. That's when the father said that to Jesus. Needless to say, if you've read that, you KNOW that the boy was miraculously brought back to life by Jesus.

There's alot of healing to be done. The healing process is RAW. It's not something you just get over. It takes time. But I pray I may step back for a moment and allow my husband to speak so that HE may heal too. There will be plenty of time for me to speak. I'm doing it right here.

I think this is a part of the healing process. A part of getting healthy. It's not JUST about exercise and weightloss. I think it's about balance and healing comes not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. When all three are taken care of, I think that overall health and wellness takes place.