Depression that has been lingering since October has left me in a "worse case scenario" outlook on life. You know the deal....the what if's, the why's and instead of focusing on a positive outlook...waiting for the worst to happen. I wasn't really sure I'd ever get out of it. But today is yet another day that I'm able to enjoy life again. Yesterday was even better spending the day with my husband.
I shared the last time that I was scheduled for a surgery that didn't exhist from a Dr. who closed up shop. Well, I got into an emergency appointment last week and after looking at EVERYTHING, the OB said I didn't have any parts of the placenta left and everything was going to be alright. No surgery needed. Bitter-sweet news. As what Dr. would suggest a D&C that wasn't needed after having been told of tragic events of a miscarriage and the need to move forward with closure?
I've been having pain on the left side of my chest thanks to the bcp's that Dr. put me on and the new OB took me right off them. I have to wait for the meds to get out of the system with hopes this pain goes away soon.
The good news? In a month, we have a discussion on where we'd like to go. Obviousely we'd like to try again. Part of me is scared, but there's no room for fear. How can one find joy if we suffocate from fear of taking any kind of risk at all?
There's more good news. After going to the new Endochrinologist (my second new Dr.) I received results from the labs this Sat. My thyroid levels are wonderful, my hemoglobin A1C is EXCELLENT at 6.4. My goal is in the 5's for TIGHT control. Coming from 9.0 a year before Jackson was conceived and having been in the low 7's while carrying him, I'd say this is an excellent start to EXCELLENT control. Especially if we plan to try again!
The only thing that I wasn't expecting was that he took a Vitmain D level and I have a Vitmain D deficiency. This is THE FIRST TIME I've ever been checked for this by any Dr. and I've suspected it for about 5 years as during the winter I felt like I had SAD. My level is 21 and I looked up numbers. Normal is between 50-80. I'm extremely low! So I've been prescribed 50thousand Units of the vitamin. WOWEE! This is once weekly then once monthly after.
Finding this is absolutely WONDERFUL because there are several things that this will help. I haven't slept without medication since October. This happens during winter where I can't sleep. It should level hormones and there are other helpful thing that could come from this as well.
All in all, between these lab results, the OB appointment next month, the fact that we're seeking counseling for the emotional aspects and after affects to the miscarriage, and finally seeking God through it all.....I do believe that I may be on my way to recovery. This is excellent and I can't help but have a great attitude!
I haven't been on much because there's been alot going on in the past few weeks.
This week I plan to make an appointment for the chiropractor, the dentist for us both, and order contacts. Spring I plan to make the eye dr. appointment and continue to walk, walk, walk!
So ((BREATHING)) today I feel Great! I see light through all that darkness and of course God has given me HOPE and a future. I look forward to this year of renewal of mind, body and spirit. Gods presence in my life and looking at even the harder things in life with a hopeful attitude instead of hopeless. God is all about Hope.
Before I go, I'd also like to share that I've taken on some peaceful past-times to help in the healing process. November I got it in my head I wanted to knit socks. I bought the yarn and couldn't get it. I took a class and met a LOVELY bunch of women and I'm proud to say I have not just the cuff, but the leg of the sock finished.
THEN, to add to the healing process, I decided to start a "memory quilt" in memory of Jackson Jeffrey.
His room was going to be Beatrix Potter's Petter Rabbit and Friends, so I chose that fabric for the center divide of the squares, and Doug picked out the cutest little pattern of Peter and His friends for the bottom divide. Now I have to pick out meaningful squares to surround what will be a square with his name, birthdate and picture.
THIS ladies and gentlemen, will take some time. It's not just another quilt, and has SO much meaning. Not to mention healing in it. Once it's finished, I hope to share it with everyone and plan to work with MY experience to help other bureaving parents. One step at a time though! Just wanted to share a bit of my life with you as God works to heal not just our bodies, but our minds and spirits as well. Something long-awaited, and will take as much time as needs to.
Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen. Hebrews 11:1