Heartache and Thanksgiving

Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.” -Matthew 11:28-30

Though I have much thanks and praise for God in my conception and the birth of our son Jackson, today my heart feels slightly empty, a piece is missing and I hurt.  I must admit it's not easy to "celebrate" when a dream feels shattered.

My spirit understands the Truth however, and I know that while our son Jackson Jeffrey is with Jesus, it is God who gives me the strength to move forward with my life to represent HIM. 

So in the celebration of Thanksgiving and all that God has done in my life and within me, I will continue to praise Him through this heartache of mine and ask Him to heal our hearts during the most joyous of seasons.  What better reason to celebrate than to celebrate the season of the birth of OUR Savior who gave His life so we may KNOW and LIVE with God in heaven.

There IS a reason for the season as the saying goes.  It's what gives me the strength and joy and pleasure to celebrate at a moment I don't really feel much like celebrating.

Dear Lord, let MY life be a testimony shared with others for YOUR GLORY.  Thank YOU for everything in my life.  For I AM a mommy and I DO have a son who is now in heaven with Jesus.  Give me strength through rough days and help me to learn your ways o' Lord. So that I may be a light in this fallen world.  In Jesus name I pray...AMEN

Praise Be To God!

Come To Me, All You Who Are Weary and I Shall Give You Rest...A Mother's Heart-Cry

The past few weeks have been pretty hard.  Not only are we trying to pick up the pieces and walk forward without our son until we see him again in heaven, but my husband has been out of work for a week, because of another issue with his finger that kept bleeding for literally 4 hours at a time.

Add to that by the grace of God we were spared from what could have been a tragic accident concerning a ball joint holding on by a thread on the front passanger side, that both struts were absolutely shot and one severely leaking, leaving the drivers side tire bald...and a whole slew of issues that happened to take place, we have felt SPENT.

Even through our darkest moments, God has shown Himself through others. Believers and Non-believers, God has used both to share comfort and lift us up when we have felt we couldn't stand on our own.  I can't imagine my life without God, nor could I even imagine going through the death of a child, and the other issues that have taken place WITHOUT the love and presence of God and those who overwhelmingly shared their lovingkindness with us.

While my heart hurts very much still, I am able to stand.  Standing is good.  I have made a new step.  Now there are those who may suggest I get passed this and quickly, but I am learning that it's OK to cry, it's OK to feel the emptyness I feel.  I must just remember that God is with me and I can STILL count on Him as He has shown Himself deeply with each new day. 

I often reflect on the fact that He too, gave His son as a sacrifice for Sin.  He watched His son go through such suffering so that MANY would not parish, but have eternal life.  It says alot!

While it's unfortunate, I am also learning I am NOT, nor will I be THE ONLY ONE going through this.  Over the past 3 weeks, I have met and talked with MANY women who have lost their child.  MANY different ways.

In my bureavement group there is someone like me who went through the same exact pre-term birth.  Another couple found themselves with the same genetic disorder, only to find out that they could not bare more children or they would find the same ending as their dear child.

I met someone that will soon share a resting place just in front of us.  She is slightly older, but had her daughter pre-term at 22weeks as I have.

Another several have discussed how they weren't given an opportunity to hold their child or bury them.  NOR did they have support.

Mothers who couldn't bare children who lost THEIR child through an adoption process.
They are all the same losses, yet different.  Some were in early trimesters, some mid to late, others through the loss of the children who were born IN their heart who were prayed and waited for.
I am NOT alone.  Sadly I feel for each family, each woman who still holds a part of their heart with their child/ren. 

But there is HOPE for us.  The hope that we can all one day unite in Heaven and hold our dear children tight for an eternity.  A joy long awaited though for Gods timing, short.  Thinking of the wait to see Jackson seems like an eternity here on earth, yet for God, it's a glimpse.

I think to myself, how on earth can I take another step?  The son I've waited for 8 years is in heaven waiting for me.  The hopes and dreams as I step out into the real world and watch life go on seems almost unbareable, yet through the tears, I find a glimpse of light.

God, I know YOUR here!  I'll say.  I see you all around me.  He has even spoken boldly and yet I find myself asking questions and being so stubborn as He trys to lead me through this darkness I am in. 
I am deeply sad, but not overwhelmingly depressed.  I am standing, but am walking day by day with Gods hand.

Please forgive me if I don't post as much as I have.  Just know that as I go through this "valley", I'm doing so with joy in my heart.  Knowing the end result one day, will lead me to My God and Our son.  Just today....TODAY, I need a bit of Gods sunshine.  Today, I hold onto His promises and seek Him as He picks me up and carries me until my burden gets a bit lighter.

And to end the Title,  "Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light.”  Matthew 11:28-30

Thank You All Dearest Friends

Our son Jackson Jeffrey just before he went to be with the Lord.

My Dearest Friends,

I am at my parents on their computer and wanted to post a comment to you all.
Doug and I are feeling very lifted up right now and words cannot describe how much your love and prayers are keeping us held up right now. Our grief is great and we're still trying to understand everything but have found refuge and strength in God even when we do not understand.

Here's some things I wanted to share with everyone:
I went into early term labor because I was found to have Bacterial Vaginosis (BV) as it's called after the accident in September which caused me to lose my mucus plug. It wasn't caught until it was too late by medical staff, but even though Jackson was healthy and where he was supposed to be at his gestational period, my cervix was comprimised and thus allowed the amniotic sac to bulge through breaking my water.

Although our dear sweet Jackson wasn't ready to come so early, He bravely came when the time came.
I had the birthing experience I wanted. ALL NATURAL absolutely NO DRUGS even though they kept pushing morphine on me to relieve the pain knowing Jackson wouldn't live. I labored Wed. at 230pm until Thursday at 5pm. A total of 26 1/2 hours of full back labor. Jackson was born at 5pm on Thursday and lived for 25 minutes when he passed at 525pm.

His apgar score was excellent for where he was and we were told usually in these circumstances babies are born already having passed. Not our boy! He braved through a breach birth only having a swollen right eye....and while his lungs were too weak to cry, he moved his mouth and head, heard each word we were saying and even held my finger with his tiny little hand.

He weighed in at 13 ounces and was 11 1/2 inches long. He was VERY tall with long legs, a long torso, Big feet like daddy's and big hands. His nose and mouth were also like daddy's. Spitting image of Doug as soon as he came into my arms only having MY spunk and personality.

God gave me the opportunity to birth the way I wanted and gave Doug the honor of cutting the Cord. We spent 25 blessed minutes with our son and are greatful and honored to be Jackson Jeffrey Shearer's parents. He is a brave little soul.

All I ever wanted for him was to be a light in this dark world and to know the Love of Christ. I believe Jackson has done both in the short time he was here. As he took his last few breaths, I said to the Lord, " I give my sons spirit unto you Lord" and to Jackson, I said, "Well done good and faithful servant".
I am forever indebted to God for our beautiful little miracle and though God loved him so much he wanted Jackson back, we are glad for the time we had with him and as my Aunt Lori said to me, we HAVEN'T LOST Jackson. We know where he is and he'll be waiting for us.

So now, we're trying to mend our broken hearts. There is a piece of both of our hearts that went with jackson on Thursday at 525pm. I'm not really sure HOW we'll mend. Only God truely knows that. But we feel the hand of God in our lives. SO MANY of you have come to our side in prayer, with compassionate hearts and even with giving hearts. Our burden seems lighter having so much support by friends, family and even those we've only met here on the net. Our cup TRUELY runneth over and God is working through each of you in order to help us move forward without Jackson Jeffrey.

We STILL need your prayers. Having given birth and going through all that mothers go through and all that fathers go through emotionally with helping in the birth experiene and cutting Jackson's cord and seeing that his son looks EXACTLY like him, well, it has left us at times, when we are home with time to think (especially in early am hours) that we are missing someone. We have gone through it all and yet Jackson Jeffrey isn't with us. God knows the reasons and we are not questioning Him, but we are asking Him to give us strength and we are giving Him thanks for the opportunity to be not only parents, but Jackson's parents.
We are STILL parents. Unfortunately we have to do what many parents dread and that's having to prepare to bury their child. His sweet body is here but we know His spirit is in heaven with Jesus.

In the end. We just want to thank EVERYONE for the outpouring of support and to let you know that while our hearts are very broken right now, God has given us the blessed opportunity that we've always dreamed of. I got my natural birth, and my son. Doug had the opportunity to cut the cord, see his son and we both had the opportunity to see our son ALIVE. Which is more than some have.

I attribute all of this to Gods great lovingkindness. If I had taken the medicaton the nurses offered, Jackson wouldn't have been so alert or maybe would have even parished before we saw him. God gave us that time and we are forever grateful.

Thank you again, from the bottom of our hearts and please continue to keep us in prayer as we bury our son this upcoming week.
Love to you all
Rebekah and Doug

Lost Our Dear Boy

Jackson Jeffrey Shearer was born October 22, 2009 5:00PM. He went to be with the Lord shortly afterward at 5:25PM. Those moments that we were parents were precious few. But we know we shall see him again. Today is the happiest and saddest day of our lives. Thank you for all of your prayers. Please keep them coming.

We're Having A...

BOY

Today we had our week 22 sonogram and found out we are having a boy. Words can't describe how excited we are.  I actually wanted a boy first to be a big brother to a sister some day.  If we had a little girl I'd be JUST as happy, but I'm quite glad with Gods choice. He just knew and created such a beautiful life.  My cup runneth over.

He still didn't cooperate with some of the measurements, but we have found out that he is 15 ounces.  Just shy of 1 pound.

We DO have a name, but we're keeping it a surprise until our little guy arrives. 

I have a theme picked out and I'm unsure if I shared it yet.  The nursery will be Peter Rabbit by Beatrix Potter.  A light lime green color with baby and medium blue.  It's so fun because we had these colors to begin with when we thought we were going to adopt.  So God just KNEW.

I cannot post the sonogram today because we are at the library.  I will update with a picture closer to November.

Blessings to you all!

Memories Of A Miracle ~The 18 Wk Sonogram~

Well hello everyone!

It certainely has been awhile since I've last posted.  We'll soon be moving and things are starting to get exciting now.  While we're not moving into a home of our own (not because we haven't tried, but because we haven't found a home that fits our needs for the price range we're looking for) we certainly found a rental that's in a nice area and is not only economical, but will allow our dogs, has 3 bedrooms and is just beautiful with cabnitry and even a two person sink for the bathroom.  Definately the hand of God.

I can't wait to get the baby's crib up and start decorating the room.  Not only will I be decorating the room, but also getting everything settled again.  Ah, but it will be SO NICE and less stressful than living with folks.  We'll try looking again next year to see if we can find something we like.

Now onto the updates:
I am now 18 weeks and 4 days pregnant.  I still can't believe this has happened after 8 years without fertility drugs.  Just God and HIS timing.  Now that I CAN believe.

our baby enhanced. The sonogram is to the side because the baby was headfirst down.  Still can't tell if we're having a boy or a girl, but we're just happy we're having a BABY.

We went in for an anatomy sonogram with hopes to find out what we were having last Friday.  After deciding we didn't want to know in the beginning, the more attatched I become to this little one in my belly, the more I'd like to know just whom is "knocking at my door".  It's been SO HARD to buy neutral clothing.  I have a few cute outfits, but either I find too boyish or too girlish. 

As they started the sonogram we heard the heart rate which is now lower than it was in the first 10 weeks or so.  It was 147. That sound is SUCH a blessing to hear each time.  It's such a miracle to know that God is helping me grow something inside my body.  Makes me tear up everytime.

The sonographer got to measure part of the spine and arms and legs, but couldn't get everything like the brain and such.  Our baby is head first down. So measuring the head was almost impossible and the legs?  They were crossed.

Those who were praying the baby would cross their legs were Extatic.  NOW I have two grandmothers who are disappointed and one great grandmother who is waiting to find out what we're having. We called all the parents and Aunties to tell them...We had the sonogram and we're .......having A BABY!
Many thought we were intentionally keeping the sex of the baby from them, but in fact, we honestly DON'T KNOW.

Just like God to keep EVERYTHING a surprise.  We shall see if we see anything come week 22.

****On another note, I had a scare last night.  We were riding in a car with someone and they kept slamming on the breaks extremely abruptly.  I felt something odd and Doug had them pull over so I could have a bathroom break.  I started to panic when I saw huge amounts of mucous coming out and had to call my sister in law for answers.  After she calmed me down, we got home two hours later and I spoke to the Dr. on call who thought we were ok and asked that we call on Monday to check the cervical mucus and make sure the baby is ok. Doug as an RN checked my belly and all seems to be well, this may be something normal, but I don't know what "normal" is.

Baby weighs in at 7ounces and is right on track for the most part though. I can't express how joyful we are. 
It will honestly be nice to have a place of our own to enjoy this pregnancy together in privacy, but we ARE grateful for those who have helped us.

We should be online again regularly by the end of October. We pray all is well with our dear friends and I look forward to sharing more of our pregnancy soon.

Memories Of A Miracle ~The 10 Wk Sonogram~

I'm 13 wks now, but the last sonogram at 12 wks didn't come out too well because of my tilted uterus.  The baby was too hard to get with a regular sonogram, so when they tried the pelvic sonogram, the baby was so far away, he or she was pretty foggy.

At any rate, I thought I'd share the pic at 10wks to show how much the baby is growing and becoming more like a little person.  This WHOLE experience is so beautiful!  I'm still in awe that God has given me this opportunity.  Praise be to God!
Our little baby at 10weeks.

Memories Of A Miracle ~Hospital Trip For Pump Installation~

It's certainly been awhile.  Not on purpose I can assure you, but since we moved to our friends house for a short time, I just don't have the bandwidth to access my blogs lately. 

So here I am in the hospital and thought I'd update here since the speed is pretty awesome here.
I am 13 weeks pregnant today!  Yay. What a wonderful thing to say.  I never thought I'd get here and God has blessed our lives abundantly in SO many ways.

The baby is doing fine since my last appointment over a week ago.  I found out my uterus is tipped so it's making things harder to see the baby lately.  Heartbeat has been a whopping 167 and in weeks prior 176.  Growing nicely. 

We were having a blood screening done and with my uterus tipped as it is, it just couldn't be done.  I saw it as Gods answer to trust in Him.  So we're at peace.

Why am I in the hospital?  I'm on the insulin pump for tighter control for me and the baby. THAT, dear friends is a blessing in itself!  That pump cost 7 thousand dollars. I wouldn't have EVER been able to afford it, but God knew that I needed it.  So it was covered IN FULL by my insurance. So is my hospital stay.
Would you believe I have a private room with AWESOME air conditioning, a tv, internet access, a nice bathroom and have been offered FREE Massage, a volunteer came up to hand me magazines, games, and even an adult coloring book, while another volunteer got me water.  :wow  My stay here is quite a positive one and Doug has been able to stay here with me, which helps with less traveling because he actually is an RN on a different floor here.

I was SO nervous about laboring here and God has put my mind at ease over the past few days.
My body is trying to get used to new insulin in my insulin pump.  I had ALOT of training for the pump and am now on a fast acting insulin.  When my sugars are at a normal level, I feel like I've had a TON of caffeine with the shakes.  I've had a couple of highs tonight so we'll see if I go home tomorrow or not.  Either way, I'm in great hands and we are all doing well. 

My husband just blesses my spirit everytime he's around.  He went down for something to eat and came up with beautiful roses for me, He's sacrificed SO much to make me comfortable and what I love most about him is his love for the Lord.  I'm just in awe at what God has blessed me with and there is no price on the gifts I've been given.  God is so good!

Today Doug and I walked around the unit and enjoyed the nursery with all the babies in them.  It gave us both such a bright smile and reminded us of the Gift God has given us. We can't wait to see our little one in February.

I look forward to the day I can hold this little one who grew in my womb. To meet the little personality, the beauty of Gods creation.
Ugh, My cup runneth over!

Memories Of A Miracle ~Love Letter To Our Baby (who we now know as Jackson Jeffrey)

Our Dearest Baby,

It has only been 9 short weeks since you were conceived.  You are our little miracle that we’ve waited over 8 years for and thought we’d never have.

God has been good to us and while medical staff said you probably wouldn’t happen, God KNEW it would and thus, 8 years later touched my womb and I went from a barren woman to a miraculous pregnancy in a matter of seconds.

Your story is still fresh in my mind and Daddy and I are still in awe of Gods power and strength.  You are a testimony of Gods love for us and His will to provide if only we have faith and trust in HIS plan.  God at this very moment is creating your little body in my womb.  I weep even thinking about it.  Here I thought I may not have this opportunity and then God reminds daddy and I that only HE is in control and it is in HIS timing not our own. 

Later, I pray you’ll learn about Gods creation.  7 Days of creating this earth. You’ll learn of the fall of man and woman, and why this world isn’t perfect, but through Christ can be saved by grace.  Salvation through Jesus Christ is what I hope for you and I give your life over to God this very minute, knowing that He planned this whole miraculous pregnancy and that He knows my hearts desire for you to grow in Christ and not only walk with Him, but LOVE Him enough to serve Him. 

I went to the Dr.’s to find out what was wrong with me. I had lower back cramps, was feeling tired and naucious.  Not expecting THIS outcome, I received a phone call from the Dr. who told me to sit down and let me know I was pregnant.  In the same sentence, she said there was a possibility that you wouldn’t make it because your HCG count was only 14 and it should have been much higher.  After a second blood test, numbers doubled and we found you were right where you needed to be and that your number was low because our pregnancy was so new.  Praise God!  It seems that those low numbers were VERY EARLY numbers.  July 3, 2009 we found out you were only 6weeks and 3 days old through pelvic sonogram.  The OB came in and couldn’t seem to find you through regular sonogram and asked a sonographer to do a pelvic.  She too had a hard time finding our little sweetheart.  Turns out, I had to put my hands under my bum and lift my bum up.  Sure enough, there you were!  I weeped a great deal.  It was the first time daddy and mommy saw you…..They couldn’t hear your heartbeat and I just kept praying to God that He would reveal yet another miracle.  Lord, please reveal our little ones heart beat, Please show us Your presence, I said.   Sure enough, your little heartbeat started to appear. It was LOUD and a whopping 129 heart rate.  AMAZING!  Gods creation of this little miracle inside my womb.  My cup runneth over!

Your life isn’t taken for granted.  It’s special to us and to God.  Our Heavenly Father is such an awesome creator and I can’t imagine life without Him in my life.  I pray you too will find the same. 

I have your first scripture for you as I have thought about the process your going through in my womb right now. I would like to share Gods word with you as He breathes new life into you, your organs and your little body.  You are loved little one.  I love you so much and pray that you continue to grow inside me as we look forward to seeing you and touching you for the first time in February.

May God continue to do a good work in you in Jesus name I pray…AMEN!

Psalm 139:13-14

For You formed my inward parts;
You covered me in my mother’s womb.
 I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
 Marvelous are Your works,
And that my soul knows very well.  NKJV

Memories Of A Miracle ~The Insulin Pump Approval~

www.medtronicdiabetes.com/products/insulinpumps/features/index.html


I'm SO excited!  I was just called today and was told that my insurance company approved the insulin pump that I need in order to keep a TIGHT control over my sugars.  Praise God!  I was told that MANY women don't get approval until their pregnancy is almost over.  Kind of defeats the purpose when you need it to protect your baby.

It's been only 3 weeks and I will receive the pump on Monday where I will wait to hear from the professional on how to use it.  I will be hospitalized for 3 days (because I'm pregnant) and then all will be well throughout the pregnancy and I can rest my mind.

My sugars have been high in the mornings and at nights.  It's pretty stressful.  High sugars can cause birth defects.  I've been trying my hardest to lower my sugars with what I have, but mainly I've been trusting in Jesus to continue to protect the baby and myself.  God is good. He created this little miracle as He has all miracles.  I have no doubt He will continue His good work. The baby is fine and on target for where we are.

DIY Cloth Diaper Sprayer Tutorial

Cloth Diaper Sprayer pic by Gidget Goes Home
This has been THE best find yet!  Several cloth mommies have shared their suggestion of using a diaper sprayer in the toilet instead of cleaning the dirty inserts directly inside the toilet.  In hearing this wealth of information, I started on another search.  I came across another blogger (Gidget Goes Home) who's husband decided to make his own after persistence from his wife.  21.00 at Home Depot and a couple minutes later.....Whola!  A home-made Diaper Sprayer.

Cloth Diapering

 I've been investigating diapers while we're waiting for our little one to grow.  I think I'd like to try All In One ((AIO)) cloth diapers.  I REALLY like Sposoeasy brand which have either snaps or Aplix (velcro) and have natural cotten inserts.  They are pricey, however, I'm wondering if over time it would save us money by purchasing 24 or so and washing them ourselves instead of buying loads of disposables which are just as expensive, if not more over time.  I also like that I wouldn't be adding to the diaper dilemma in landfills. 
The Diapers have gotten AWESOME ratings from women who have used them for their babies. Has anyone tried this brand?  What are your thoughts?

Memories Of A Miracle ~The 8 Wk Sonogram~

This morning is another milestone.  8 weeks. 

our baby at 8wks 3dys
Today we were off site at another part of the medical group so that I could get a sonogram done (the regular high risk OB's in house sonographer broker her arm).  Today I had another pelvic sonogram with heart monitoring.  I could see the baby MUCH better this time, also saw the yolk sack too.  Baby's heart rate was 174 and he or she is doing quite well.   What took me by surprise was the babys cute arms and legs forming along with his or her heart.  Uh, my cup runneth over!

We're giving all the glory to God for this little miracle.  Praise Him for His loving-kindness and protection on our little darling.

Still no REAL sickness, but I notice more and more I'm feeling nauseous just after eating.  I'm enjoying this pregnancy and all it comes with.  I do NOT take for granted what God has blessed me with and thus am praising Him for every part. 

Mom and I went to the outlet mall.  She was so kind.  She bought me one of my first maternity outfits and when I went to buy a gender neutral outfit to celebrate my sonogram, she said, "well if your going to buy one, then I'm going to as well". Haha she's already a doting new grandmother.

Another sonogram will be done in 3 weeks.  Almost around 11 weeks.  I continue to Hope in the Lord, that He will keep our little one safe and help him or her to grow while developing into our precious little one we'll soon meet in February sometime.  God is so good to us!

Memories Of A Miracle Post #4

The past three days, I've been feeling pretty naucious from time to time.  Still no "morning sickness" per sey, but I'm naucious more.

I'm enjoying talking to the baby and rubbing my little belly to comfort both the baby and me.
Friday is our 8 week sonogram and I pray we'll find a continually growing baby who's organs are forming with Gods great touch.  I continue to pray that our little one will be safe in my womb for 8 more months.  God created this little miracle, I know He will continue to do His good work in our little one.

We have another meeting with the banker tomorrow to get preapproved for our home.  While in the City, I will have blood testing done so that it will get to the OB's by Friday.  Praise be to God.

We are grateful for your prayers and covet them as we look to Him for Victory and praise Him for this little miracle and all the blessings we have.  God is SO good.  I love Him so much.

Memories Of A Miracle ~The Baby Items & Being Plus Size Pregnant~

The past few days I've been catching up on sleep.  I haven't been sleeping through the night lately because I've had to pee a million times.  Praise God!   I'd rather go through this than anything else right now.  I'm just grateful to God that He's allowed me to partake in such a beautiful birth experience.

In the meantime, I'm exhausted mid-afternoon. So I take that opportunity to listen to my body and just nap as I need to.  I've been trying to eat well and working on continuing exercise as I have before.  Not strenuous by any means. Just walking the dogs in the afternoon so I can have some exercise.  I forgot to mention that at my last OB appointment, I actually LOST 6 more lbs.  I'm flabbergasted by it all, but maybe in the midst of this pregnancy, I'll lose a bit and won't gain much baby weight.  I am a plus size to those who don't know me.  This year, I've lost the most weight just before my pregnany.  Another praise report thanks to God.  I know I'll gain some weight for the baby which I don't mind at all, but maybe I won't gain as much as others because I already have it to begin with??  Only time will tell for sure I suppose.

Oh, while I'm on the subject.  Plus Size Maternity.  There are very FEW places that sell maternity clothing around here....Target, walmart has REALLY limited and ugly supplies, Pea in the Pod seems to sell to the teeny boppers as does Sears.  I've found some nice clothes at Motherhood which tends to be pricey and JCPenny's is OK, but caters to the teeny boppers as well.  Where in the world can I find some cutsie maternity clothes for Me?!

It's almost affensive that stores cater to thinner, younger mommies.  I mean, I've even seen tank tops with the belly showing and Holy Cats!  Shorts that BARELY cover the bum.  Do people actually wear these things when they're pregnant?  I know the beauty of pregnancy...but whatever happened to modesty?  And how about giving us larger women a break and allow us to dress like we are beautiful pregnant mommies and not like slobs that can't wear anything other than stretchy regular pants and HUGE t-shirts.  Common designers, this is really something women of ALL sizes need to have.  Don't shut us out.  Allow us to enjoy our own beauty!

k, enough whining. Haha  We are double dating with our dear friends whose anniversary is at the end of the month.  We're treating them to dinner and a movie.  While there, I hope to check out the bigger stores to see if I can find some nice maternity clothes to wear.  I'd also like to go to babies R Us and test out some strollers.  I've been given the advice that testing BEFORE buying is something that should be done because Strollers can very in weight and may vary in room for bags, cuppies, etc.

I'm finding it fun while we wait, to check out all the baby sites to see what the good items are to get.
We already have a crib and a baby armoir that we were planning to use for Foster to Adopt program.  God provides all our needs.  Hallelujah!


We also have the baby bedding, though I have no pics to show right now.  They are in storage.

 I'm just keeping myself occupied as we wait for our next OB appointment and 8 week sonogram Next Friday. 

Please continue to keep us all in your prayers.  That our baby continues to grow, his or her organs continue to develop and that he or she will be safe in my womb for 8 more months.  We covet your prayers and are grateful for them. We are even more grateful to God for His lovingkindness and protection on us.  His hands created this little one and we are forever in praise for this Heavenly Father of ours.  He is Mighty and Powerful.  Praise Be to God!

Memories Of A Miracle ~The Due Date~

Dear Friends,
Today was another mile-stone for us.  We had our first OB appointment with the High Risk specialist.  The appointment was 3 hours long and quite eventful. 

We started out at the desk where we filled out the usual paperwork and back I went to run to the bathroom stop.  I went into a room on my own as the nurse (Karen) asked for information.  I am 35 now, and not considered a spring chicken anymore, so they asked right away for genetic testing and an Amnio.  I denied the tests and signed papers denying each genetic test.  While I'm sure they have their reasons for them, I find no cause for us to have them.  If God created this little Miracle and has since continued to care for him or her, I am faithfully trusting HE will know best and there is no reason to cause fear and discontentment.  God doesn't create trash and thus, our baby is wanted no matter the outcome.  While we pray our baby is healthy and happy, we also accept it's diversity if he or she has a genetic predisposition.  I find no good in this testing for me and actually put more trust that God knows what He is doing with the miracle He has created as our Great Physician.  Praise Be To God for such a miraculous creation!

My husband was brought in the room shortly after, where we discussed insulin questions and agreed to focus on getting the "pump" for insulin regulation.  We want to keep this baby safe and having regular "good" readings  through pump regulation will help lessen a WHOLE lot of stress.  So I'm doing the paperwork as we speak, will call the company on Monday who will get the ball rolling with our insurance company ((please pray Pomco doesn't give us any problems. The sooner I get on the insulin pump, the better and healthier it is for me AND the baby)).  If all goes well, in a month or two, I will be hospitalized for 2-3 days to place the cathetor and pump inlay.  I'm hospitalized because I'm pregnant and they MUST watch the baby.
After our questions were answered, I asked if they would give me a sonogram to date the baby and make sure our baby was doing well.  We got into the room, and the Dr. couldn't see anything or hear anything.  My heart skipped a beat...but I just kept praying that God would again provide a miracle to see the baby and hear his or her heartbeat so early.
He got up and asked to have a pelvic sonogram done to get a closer look.  While we waited, I had the basic checkup done, breast exam, paps, heart rate, etc.  Then was led to the room with the sono technician.
She too had a hard time seeing the baby and then had me put both hands under my back and lift my bum up.  Sure enough...there was our wee little one with a heart.  The heart monitor was flat and I began to pray again to ask God to help us hear the babys heartbeat.  Please God....Let us hear the babys heartbeat.  Bless us dear Father with Your presence.  Give us confirmation though many have said it's too early.  Sure enough......We heard the heart beating.  Praise God!  129 was the heart rate.  Not only was there a heartbeat, but a GOOD heart rate.  We prayed and God answered.
Shortly after, we found out we are 6w3d and are due February 23, though the Dr. is confident it will be earlier.  Would you believe our Wedding anniversary is February 9th?  What a blessed month in February....when most find winter to be a time of death and spring to be a rebirth, I have found nothing but LIFE in the winter.  God has been VERY good to us and my life is an absolute testimony to His grace, love, protection and mercy.  I do not deserve anything I have, yet I am blessed by His gifts and am content where we ARE.
Again, Praise Be To God.  My Cup Runneth Over!

Memories Of A Miracle ~The Anxious Awaits~

God is good and I know He created this miracle.  Seeing other women who have PCOS as I do and hearing their excitement tailed with skepticism is making me slightly anxious though.  I have had to take several steps back from mothering sites with women who deal with PCOS as I do.  I just find it hard to keep faith in Gods plan and not look to the "what if's". 

I'm early and sometimes I have wondered why I'm not feeling this way or that way.  But in the end, I know God is creating and developing this little miracle and I cannot RUSH Him, nor should I question or control His outcome.  I have gathered over the years that HE knows best and loves me SO much.  This waiting stuff has me out of my comfort zone.  I cannot control my surroundings, nor any outcome.  Isn't it just like God to say, "hey!  I created YOU, I know what I'm doing and you need to get your hands out of the control box and let ME do what I DO". 

I can hear His gentle voice reassuring me that all is well and think of how much I REALLY love my Heavenly Father.

At a time when everything is up in the air, HE is the only thing that is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow.  I can ALWAYS count on Him and HE gives me peace in my spirit.
Even as I type this, I see my Title and think, what have I got to be anxious for?  God says,

"Be anxious for nothing, but in EVERYTHING by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; -Philippians 4:6

Thanks for listening as I share my heart with you today.  I look forward to tomorrow with hopes that we will see our little one in the ultrasound and hear his or her heartbeat for the first time.  Oh Lord, Hear my prayer.....please grant me this desire to hear my babys heartbeat and for us both to see that he or she is doing well under YOUR great hands as The Great Physician.  Thank you for this gift Lord and thank you for the greatest gift of Salvation.  I pray our child/ren will grow up seeking YOU and be Godly young men and women.  To YOU be the Glory Father.  Praise be to God.  Amen!

Memories Of A Miracle ~The Nursery Theme~

Beatrix Potter Murals

So we haven't got a home yet, but I'm having fun coming up with ideas for the nursery that are gender neutral.
I would like my walls a darker kahki with white crown molding in the middle.  I'd like a mural of Beatrix Potter at least on one side of the wall.  This is the one I've chosen so far. The site has wonderful ideas.

Memories Of A Miracle Post #3

I have an appointment on Friday with the prenatal high risk specialist.  Because I am a type II diabetic, I have to be closely monitored.  My sugars are somewhat higher than I'd like them to be, but aren't anywhere near what they've been in the past.  I've been EXTREMELY strict with myself.  Getting rid of sugar substitutes and having tea or water.  I have slipped an iced coffee or two, but nothing obsessive and I care more about this little life growing inside me, than I do of my own cravings.

Cravings -
                     For the most part, I'm not sure I have any right now.  I know I LOVE salads.  This is the season for all kinds of salads, pasta salads, fruit salads, green salads, etc.  My favorite are green salads with chicken and SPICEY ranch.  YUMMY.  Mexican, I LOVE mexican spicey meals too.  I've liked them before, but they just taste good to me right now.  I'm out on whether this is a craving just yet.

Doug seems to amaze me with each new day.  At first, he was distant a little.  I think part of it was the surprise of it all, another part was the potential of losing this little miracle and last, maybe not being able to feel first-hand what is going on in my body.

With each new day though, He's becoming quite the doting husband and daddy.  He has been doing more things to be sure I don't lift anything too heavy or do anything too strenuous.  His mind is spread thin with getting re-preapproved for a home of our own, having moved from his parents to our friends home for awhile and in a month or two, moving again somewhere all while dealing with a pregnant wife and watching out for our little one. 

The thought of a new life to be responsible for may be an issue for him too. 
As each day comes, he's been more and more involved in fun things.  Looking online to see what the baby looks like at this stage, coming up with names and helping figure out what we'll need for baby in the future.  I think all in all, the most important is nurturing baby though.  Material things aren't as important as taking care of baby.

 We are excited though to see what our little cutie looks like and who he or she will turn out to be.  My only hope, is that he/she/they come to know the greatest gift in life through Jesus Christ.  To raise our son or daughter to Love God and Serve Him.  Our baby after all, is HIS. He created him or her and blessed us with such an awesome little miracle that it's hard to comprehend any other way other than Gods way to create such a beautiful little baby.  Praise God for all He has created.

So friday is our appointment and I'm praying they'll do a sonogram early to be able to date our little baby. 
Please continue to pray God will strengthen him or her, the numbers will continue to grow, and we'll have a happy, healthy baby in 8 months.

God Bless You!

Rebekah

Memories Of A Miracle Post #2

After much trial, we FINALLY got the High Risk Dr.'s office to answer us.  We took an HCG lab and were called back.  Labs were good and our numbers were 340.  We're on track for a 4 or 5 week pregnancy. 
Later, we find it was in fact our mini-vacay to the Adirondacks where our little one was conceived.  Praise God!
An appointment is scheduled with the high risk OB for Friday July 3rd.  Please pray they give me an early sonogram so we can see our little one and know he or she is doing well.  Also pray we can hear a heartbeat this early. 
God created this little miracle, I know he/she/they are in HIS hands.
Glory be to God!

Memories Of A Miracle

Dr. Aziz calls to let me know in fact tests came back normal.  I didn’t have cancer as suspected, of course, it wasn’t "just stress" either.  I am in fact pregnant.

Today starts a new journey.  Dr.s said we couldn’t have a baby.  God spoke, and said it wasn’t so.  I was told I couldn’t ovulate.  I don’t even remember my last period.  God breathed life into my womb and so starts this unknown blessed journey. 

I shall jot down my thoughts, concerns and prayer requests as this type II diabetic works to carry this little miracle God helped create.